Sunday, December 21, 2008

Nanny for Chabad in Mumbai to pose naked

Nanny for Chabad in Mumbai to pose naked

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to

In a Tel Aviv press conference Tuesday, Sandra Samuel, the nanny for the murdered Chabad emissary in Mumbai, says she wants to pose naked in Playboy to bring more happiness into the world. She says after such a sad and depressing event, all she wants to do is use her body for a mitzvah to make as many people as possible happy.

After the death of her employers, Gavriel and Rivka Holtzberg, Samuel was upset to hear the first word out of Chabad central was about fundraising. “It seems inappropriate that the first words to remember this father and successful fundraiser were a fundraising speech,” she said. So, instead, Samuel wants to commemorate the joy her boss brought Jews everywhere by posing naked, bringing smiles to the faces of lonely Chabad emissaries worldwide.

The late, great Lubavitcher Rebbe, Menachem Mendel Schneerson, wanted to spread the word of Chabad and God all over the world, so he set out to build a Chabad house anywhere in the world where one could find ten Jews and buy Coca-Cola. As it says in the old commercials, “Ain’t nothin’ like the real thing baby!”.

Although the Chabad Hassidim are most well known for their uniformly conservative dressed members putting up outposts everywhere in the world, it is less known the reason was to operate a sort of amateur kosher hotel service, Samuel said. She then went on to ask, “What is the main thing that goes on in hotels, besides a family vacation? Besides families going to Disney world, it usually involves nudity, so I feel this is the best way to carry on the Chabad tradition, and support myself, now that I have lost my primary form of employment,” Samuel said.

Samuel went on to detail exactly how often she found stains from bodily emissions on the sheets of guests to the rabbi’s house.

“As the housekeeper I took care of the kids, but I also changed the sheets, and there was a lot of intercourse over Shabbes between our various guests,” She said.

A Chabad spokesperson in Crown Heights confirmed that their emissaries allow married houseguests to sleep in the same room, but require unmarried couples to sleep separately.

Hugh Hefner, Founder of Playboy Magazine was unavailable for comment.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

MJE spawns new group, Manhattan Gay Experience

MJE spawns new group, Manhattan Gay Experience


By Rabbi Lamech SomayachMeshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

There is a new group in New York City and their main goal is to recruit straight people and convince them to be gay, and their inspiration, surprisingly, is a recruitment group for the Jewish ultra-Orthodox.

 “The MGE is founded on the principle that it can swell the ranks of homosexuals by being nice to straight people, exposing the to the positive side of homosexuality, and in turn they will give us money to bring more straight people over to our orientation,” said Sam Smalz, spokesperson for the MGE.

 Smalz said the idea is licensed and paid for from the Jewish Experience since everything in their program lead to the founding of the MGE.

 "We saw these extremists passing themselves off as nice moderate rabbis and raking lots of money from it before their congregants came to understand the constantly increasing limitations that were heaped on the after accepting membership in the group. In the same way, MGE will have date night where we set men up with “women” played by confederates who just happen to deny them sex, but encourage them to converse with the nice, clean cut guys we have floating all over the party,” Smalz said.

 When a new member proves to be sufficiently obsequious and seeking to support the cause of the organization even more, the plan to offer people jobs recruiting new members or working as a confederate and finding out who is the potential wealthy donor the organization is looking for.

 “Since member recruits are highly motivated, we can pay them forty percent less than they would earn in a comparable position in the workforce and the people don’t care,” Said Aron Littlebug, MGE assistant founder. “This makes for good economics, since more of the huge donors funds making it’s way into salary for the founders.”

 “It’s like those trickle down economics that Milton Fraudman was talking about at the University of Chicago, we like that guy,” Smalz said.

 A wealthy secret donor has already rented the MGE a really nice place on the Upper West Side and renovated it to meet their needs. It has a luxurious meeting hall area, an industrial kitchen, smaller studies and libraries off to the side, and best of all, there is a mikveh in the basement.

 “We did improve something big over the Hassidim,” Smalz said. “We know there is a difference between Clorox and chlorine. I don’t want my skin dried out after sex and I know our members don’t either, so we are adding softeners to the water also.”

 Smalz said the contractor who built the mikveh was recommended by the MJE and really gave them a hard time about the unholy use of a sacred object. He had to explain how they merely wanted their Jewish brethren to feel at home while mixing and mingling with all the other men and women at the MGE. 

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Spitzer was an ideal gentleman and customer, Hassidim say

Spitzer was an ideal gentleman and customer, Hassidim say


By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to


In a series of intervews conducted by Journal News  it has come to light that a large number of Hassidic Rabbis are coming forth as having been regular co-customers with New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, and they all gave positive reviews to his conduct.


“Everyone Jew in power wants to have sex with a shiksa, a rabbis wife or someone important, ever since King David,” said Moshe, who wished to remain anonymous so the other Satmar hassidim won’t find out he has been a regular at brothels for years. “Not many people tip better than the governor.”


Rabbi Leib Tropper of Monsey also got in on the sex outside of marriage commentary saying that prostitution can be good, but Jewish outreach better. “The women interested in becoming orthodox will do anything just to get involved and take a 'taste' of Yiddishkeit home with them. The best time is if they are trying to convert, those bitches will do almost anything!”


Tropper said he regularly saw Spitzer at the brothels. “The best was to get a woman who just got a huge financial boost from the governor, they were so happy the next customer got treated twice as well also.”


Tropper, who got his current wife at an outreach seminar he was teaching, said that the big money set was “easier to reach at the brothels since they were already in a spending mood, and plus a rabbi in the brothel can be bought off much easier than a journalist.”

In fact the only way this blog entry could be written by Rabbi Somayach was by invoking his rabbinical credentials and the Jewish oath of confidentiality.

Don’t worry, I keep secrets about fifteen minutes on average also, said Rabbi Gerald From, who uses information from his confidential counseling sessions to buy prestige with the area rabbis who officiate over his patients.

 “Sometimes helping someone twist a suckers arm is worth more than I could personally afford, and I am sure Tropper and many others were cashing in on Spitzers fun with “Kristen” to the tune of huge bundles of cash on a regular basis,” From said.

 In a written statement issued by the Motzes Gedolei HaTorah, Agudath Israel decried a “wanton waste of blackmail resources by the financial industry in driving out the governor before the full amount of his blackmail could be extracted. Although still a billionaire, his wife knows and doesn't care. He is still married and there is no elected position to hold over his head.”

 Not to be let out of the fame melee, Governor appointee David Patterson gave a press release where he admitted to “smoking crack in a brothel with some dude who said he was a rabbi.” Patterson then went on to say something about a Cadillac with a furry steering wheel and bunny ears on the seat cover, but his office could offer no verification.

Scandal erupts over Ohr Somayach altering words in Ma’oh Tzur

Scandal erupts over Ohr Somayach altering words in Ma’oh Tzur




By Rabbi Lamech SomayachMeshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to

 A recent historical revelation about the practices of Ohr Somayach has once again roiled the Orthodox communities around the world with charges of idolatry and revisionism, much to the chagrin of wealthy donors everywhere.

 The scandal surrounds certain rabbis who changed the lyrics to a famous winter holiday tune Ma’oh Tzur to reflect their own glory over the glory of god and sang this song in their prayer hall.

In a recent article about the school in the Haredi rag, the Yated Neeman  they quoted the entire speech by famed Haredi fictionist and speaker, Rabbi Simcha Schorr, son of the famous Rabbi Gedalia Schorr. While the article and all critics agree on some of the rabbis statements, there has been a groundswell over the songs and dancing that followed.

The yeshiva has put up with enough bad students to last forever and now we can deny those lacking sufficient wealth, Schorr said in his speech.  He was referring to a  $12 million payment from Joe Tannenbaum for their fancy study hall. 

But then “the rabbis all got up and started dancing and laughing and screaming and sang Ma’oh Tzur, only they changed the words from talking about the inauguration of the holy temple in Jerusalem to a praise of their own building in Monsey they were going to make,” said Fayge Felayge, a Hassidic woman who was witness to the carnage that took place. “They were implying Ohr Somayach as the new temple for all of Judaism, isn’t that what the German Reform Jews said before the Holocaust?  That is what I learned at the Aish discovery weekend.”

 “The real scandal, besides the rabbis at Ohr Somayach dancing for themselves, is how they are happy leach money from the Monsey community but would not attend the bar mitzvah of a poor orphan, much less dance at the wedding of a minor donor,” Said Rabbi Moshe Dovid Tendler, a Professor Emeritus of Yeshiva University and head of his own congregation in Monsey.

Other Jewish leadership seemed to think that the revision was good for the religion, such as Rabbi Nosson Wolpin, Editor in Chief of the Jewish Observer, the voice of Haredism. 

“We see Jewish owned institutions advertising with the private branding of publicly financed institutions like the sports stadiums and roads, and musical jingles were an advertising campaign staple for decades, so it only makes sense to rewrite this bedrock of observance in a way to encourage more donors,” Wolpin said. 

Wolpin when further to compare the increasing pace of innovations of all other areas of observance with the change of the song, remarked “We are certain the medieval commentators had nothing except inspiration with most of their interpretations of the Bible and Talmud, so this is no different.”

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Shaddchan Group to complete the marriage cycle by brokering divorces

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini

Special to


A group of Jewish matchmakers in Brooklyn are now following the model of Wall Street and expanding their business services as a way of increasing revenues and profits. The council of matchmakers, are undertaking to undo their hard work of marrying people by negotiating their divorces. 

The organization, called Oyvei Hagefen, has been helping the grown up girls and boys of the Orthodox persuasion get hitched based on such love related topics as the type of hats they wear, or what brand of stockings the girls wear. Since such a superficial connection undoubtedly leads to divorce, it only makes sense to complete the cycle and profit from the second half of marriage, the split-up.

“We already got to know everything about them when we married them, their clothes, rabbi and prayer book they use. They pay us good money, but we are just not earning enough for those hotel vacations for our entire families,” Said Yehuddith Rustpig, an overweight pig and housewife who has spent the last ten years eating herself to death while coercing skinny young men to marry ugly fat single women on the basis of their wealthy father-in-laws to be. “Since the matchmaker already knows everything important to get a boy and a girl together, it should be easy for us to split them apart as well. We'll just say she got too fat during the marriage.”

“Often times a boy will want to keep his children so there will be enough government family aid so that he can keep warming a bench in Lakewood, or the wife will want to keep a small portion of her dowry so that we can help her remarry, and we are happy to accommodate that, we just increase our fee,” Rustpig said.

“The matchmaker isn't just a gossipy and pushy Jewish housewife,” Rustpig said. “She is a gossiping and pushy Jewish housewife who can earn more than $100,000 if she plays her cards right. After all, she is usually from a rabbinnical family and has been shown the inner Talmudic secrets of how to manipulate and harm people.”

Rustpig went further to explain how they will often coordinate with the rabbi of the newlywed couple to concoct supposed reasons the newlywed couple should not have sex. “Denying them intimacy for the majority of the first year increases misery and frustration, especially since they have never been allowed any emotional expression for 16 years of the repressive educational system.”

In the essential Haredi publication, the Jewish Oberver, Rabbi Nosson Wolpin explained how ordinary lay Jews are not allowed to know the rules and bylaws of marital purity, thus making them total passive slaves to the extortions of their rabbi. “Later on, they have years of experience and can guess when the rabbi is deviating from the law. But newlyweds?  They are like lambs to slaughter.”

Not everyone was happy with the new system. Many rabbis expressed dismay that a revenue stream from mediating the unhappy marriage was being transferred from them to some shubby matchmaker so she could end it.

“For example, they are already miserable and fighting. Why don't I just ruin their lives for ten years when it is so easy,” Said Rabbi Lable Slander HaMalshin of Monsey. I do it enough to my yeshiva bochurs.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Linguistic discovery reveals root of name Boro Park

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

Residents of a Hassidic neighborhood are threatening another riot over an academic paper recently released that gained new insights into the Hassidic language that reflected badly on their community. It has many people asking if the Hassidim really are Jackasses or what is in a name.

The paper was written by Noam Chomsky, the world-renowned linguistic genuis and professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It portends to reveal an anomaly in Yiddish, the language of Hassidic Boro Park. Yiddish, which is German for Jewish, is a combination of many languages with Hebrew. Originally it was German and Hebrew and was meant for German Jews living in New York. In Spain the Jews combined Hebrew with Spanish, in Ukraine with Russian and so forth. In the US it is now combined with English.

“You may notice that in South Brooklyn the Hasidim live in a neighborhood called Boro Park. However the rest of New York uses the Latin spelling for neighborhood, Borough. This is in the English tradition,” Chomsky said in his book.

Boro is not a Yiddish translation of Latin for neighborhood,” Chomsky said. “Instead, it is Spanish, burro is the Spanish word for Jackass. He said there was some certainty the name was connected both to the Spanish speaking community that lives in the top of Boro Park, near 39th Street, but added it probably had something to do with the Hassidim all selling their houses in Crown Heights for a song and then blowing outrageous amounts to move into an industrial area simply because it had permissive zoning.

The move started with Lubavitchers in Crown Heights insisting their rabbi would never die and instead would be the messiah. The flow of people moving out of Crown Heights peaked once Menachem Mendel Schneerson, the Chabad rebbe died and riots began breaking out.

To give away a $2 million house for $400,000 and then spend another million building an ugly three family monstrosity in the industrial waste part of town could be considered the epitome of being a donkey, according to real estate broker Channy “Hunny” Fleishmon.

“These critics don’t know what they are talking about. I lost a $1,500 Town car in those riots, it was a good investment to move to a safer area,” Said Moshe Stanislov of Boro Park. “The name is unfortunate but seems to have stuck.”