Friday, April 20, 2007

What Does My Name Mean?

What does my name mean?

An editorial column by Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

Hi everyone! I have been getting lots of inquiries as of late, so I came to realize that you too may wonder, what does all the Hebew in my name stand for? Well, I am here to tell you.
Rabbi, is an old word, it means teacher or leader. Although lately people act like it means you should give them the Priestly tithing to live will without working, as if they were actually conducting the service in the demolished temple in Jerusalem. Of course we all know that is not true, but that is what rabbi means.

My first name, Lamech is after a biblical character. He was cousin to Cain. After Cain slew Abel, Lamech was out hunting in the woods. Of course, he was already old and partially blind so he was hunting with his son, who told him which way to point his bow and arrow. Apparently he was so strong and the bow was so big, that he was the only one who could hunt with it. His son saw a movement and told him to shoot, so he killed Cain. He was so upset at this he clapped, and that then killed his own firstborn son.

Then his wives wanted to divorce him to avoid the curse he brought on his household, but he then pointed out nobody would want to mess with him since he was cursed for seven generations for killing his cousin, but anyone who messed with him would be cursed for 77 generations.

In the yeshiva world it was considered an insult to call someone klutzy a Lamech.
Somayach is the Hebrew word for happiness. It is a pun on so many organizations that call themselves the source of happiness or the light. Of course I am pretty happy now, but I wasn't for a long time.

A Meshumad is one who has had the good fortune to fall away from religiousness and since the Haredim frown on any individuality, they consider this a bad thing. But you and I know otherwise.

A person who is worthy of praise is called a Meshubach, and in this case, what is more worthy of praise than bringing people to the truth of how their silly chumras are drivng them crazy.
When in yeshiva there are all the normal types of positions counterpart to what one might expect from a public school with a few additions or subtractions. The Mashgiach Ruchini is a patronage position and a general teaching position given to someone charged with giving inspirational talks about how all the lies are true and how pure the motives of the money grubbing blood suckers who run the place. Usually it is a person who cheers on the yeshiva and the whole system, not the other way around.

The name of the yeshiva where I am employed is Aishes Eish Hatorah and this is perhaps one of the greatest mixed metaphors of all. One of the largest sources of misinformation about Charedi Judaism is called Aish HaTorah, or Fire of the Torah. They wear an easy face but they really advocate an extremely restrictive millionaire lifestyle, since they are looking mainly for millionaire donors. The second half of the metaphor is a biblical term for adultery, Aishes Eish, or a married mans' woman. Of course this is one thing they don't advocate, but it makes for a nice contrast.

Reform Rabbis Forbid Visits To Monsey

Reform Rabbis Declare Monsey off limits to Jews

By Rabbi Lamech SomayachMeshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

Many Jews are in an uproar following a recent In a recent spate of declarations by various rabbis across the nation, as various cities have been declared off limits. The ban on visiting cities now means that many will have to undergo a pricely relocation their residence or else follow strict rules to stay in their current home.

While several prominent Orthodox rabbis have banned Miami, more surprisingly, the largest body of reform rabbis have correspondingly banned Monsey, NY, home to the orthodox rabbis who banned Miami.

“This is not a revenge banning,” Said Rabbi Fred Smith, a member of the council that issued the Monsey Ban.

While the original ban on Miami was based on the declarations that people on the beach were dressed immodestly, The Central Conference of American Rabbis, a Reform umbrella organization however has declared Monsey off-limits for other reasons. The ban on Monsey is based on an opinion that the Rabbis there behave immorally.

“The mandate of carry the message of ethics to the world has been abandoned in favor of ripping everyone off for tithing profits to religious institutions. This abandonment of Gods great and holy message has made Monsey and all businesses connected to that place a source of great spiritual danger. There is great risk for the people who go so far as to lay their eyes on a single fur hat, or a head that is full of lust for money and power,” Said Rabbi Harry K. Danziger, president of the Central Conference of American Rabbis, a Reform umbrella organization.

The proclamation read, in part: “Behold, we have found Charedi men who have given themselves to dishonesty in business and lust for money. We have found a place where rabbis consider themselves men of power who cover up for themselves and others to dwell with small children in lust and who hunger after money and power, and this is a desecration of Gods holy 26 letter name” began the proclamation that the Reform rabbis sent.

They also went into long length about the sin of using a religion to embarrass fellow Jews in public or to use rules designed to build people up as a way to strong-arm them into tithing or other forms of donations.

Quoting the words of the Chazon Ish, the great Haredi Rabbi who founded B'nei B'rak, the rabbis go on to point out how the entire city has become corrupted beyond redemption and the only solution is for people to voluntarily relocate to towns with little or no business and renew their reputations by living a simple life and avoiding the consumption of meat or dairy products.

The Reform Rabbis even copied the ban in Miami when the invoked the Babylonian Talmud in declaring anyone who voluntarily associated with such a place to be an evil man, saying that dishonest business practices in the town were so rampant that it was impossible to avert ones eyes, for even the menu prices in restaurants are 50 percent higher than in the delicious treifeleh goyish eateries.

Completing the ban were orderly numbered directions for extricating ones' business affairs and moving bank accounts to a more wasp oriented zip code, but included a suggestion of keeping ones affairs within the Reform Jewish community if possible. Not surprisingly it only made a mild allowances for anyone who would want to visit a sick or elderly parent or relative.

“History has shown that a complete disengagement is the only way to start the process of changes necessary for ethical living,” Danziger said. The Chazon Ish showed that in making a new town of Bnei Brak and we're doing it again 50 years later.”

The steps made allowances for the elderly to stay in their homes, although it said that children wouldn't have to visit their parents since it would be a sin; said that visiting sick parents there should be left up to women and not men, but said a man could visit his parents if he stayed off the main streets. The ban of Monsey concluded with a promise of everlasting salvation to people who were able to leave such an environment and locate elsewhere.

“This is just like Chemielnicky and the Cossack uprisings in Bershad, well at least they didn't kills us this time,” Said Rabbi Yaakov Rotenberg, the Salka Roov of Monsey, through a translater. The translator clarified that although Rabbi Rotenberg speaks perfect English, he refused to to so for “a schmuttzy blog like that of Rabbi Somayach.”

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Kolko reinstated for celebration of Simchas Bais HaToeva

Kolko reinstated for celebration of Simchas Bais HaToeva at his old Yeshvia

Rabbi Yehudda Kolko is out of jail and rehired at Torah Temimah

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to

In a move that shocked many today, Rabbi Lipa Margolies re-instated Rabbi Yehudda Kolko at the yeshiva where he is accused of molesting little boys and then created a new celebration of that fact. The new holiday is called Simchas Bais Hatoevah at Torah Temimah, and Kolko will be in charge of the celebrations.

The pending incarceration of the rabbi and a pending lawsuit were not a deterrent to Rabbi Margolies, who said that recent allegations of child molestation could not be substantiated by people who were minors at the time since women and children are not valid witnesses in a Jewish court.

“If you know the law, you can always find an exception,” He said.

In demonstration of his renewed trust in Kolko, he announced that the rabbis new job title will be supervisor of the boys bathhouse where he will be in charge of the new annual celebration called Simchas Bais HaToeva, in English, the celebration in the house of abomination.

The celebration promises to be totally unlike Simchas Bais HaShoevah which occurs after Sukkus, and is based on the prayer for rain that marks the start of the rain and growing season in Israel, where it doesn't rain at all in the summer. Usually the men have big celebrations with men dancing and singing and drinking and eating while the women sit in the balcony and watch on.

In the Abomination festival things will be different. Margolies said he is going to have Kolko “in the mikveh getting naked with the boys making sure nothing funny goes on with those little perverts,” Margolies said. “The only way to put a stop to the cycle of rumours, is putting him on the council supervising modesty for the yeshiva and have him in a room alone with the boys to make sure it is ok.”

Reactions ranged from shock to celebration. “This is just another in a long series of outrages, but it could be good for business” said Jeffrey Herman, an attorney who says poised to make millions of dollars from his multiple suits filed on behalf of former victims of Kolko, some cases going back decades.

But many others were not shocked and actually were happy with the decision. For example, Harav Naftali Halberstam released a statement that “the daas Torah of Rabbi Kolko cannot be challenged by the apikorsus of a few children since they are not even admissible as witnesses in a religious court and are not considered viable humans under Talmudic law.

The opinion of Rabbi Halberstam supporting the unquestioned innocence of Rabbi Kolko based solely on Talmudic circumlucation was co-signed by over 35 Roshei Yeshiva from around Brooklyn, Monsey, Monroe, Jersualem and B’nei B’rak.

Other people were merely against the introduction of a new rabbinically ordained holiday. “We haven't had a a rabinically created holiday since 560 CE, when the composition of Talmud was completed. What makes him think they can start now just because they want to legitimize a little monkey business?” said Amnon Pizza, whose kosher dairy shop on 13th Avenue sells, oddly enough, Pizza.