Saturday, December 8, 2007

Parents Sitting Shiva for Newest Chumra

Parents Sitting Shiva for Newest Chumra

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Masgiach Ruchini
Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

In a move that has shocked the members of congregations around Brooklyn and the world, parents of boys in religious schools are finding new reasons to sit shiva that some find petty. Shiva, means seven and refers to the traditional seven day period of mourning for the dead in the past was restricted for people who weren actually deceased. In recent years its use has been expanded to include limited circumstances like when a child leaves the faith or, cuts off his side locks, called peyos, because some liken this to spiritual death. However, the same Rabbis who instituted the new form of shiva say the community has gone too far, and sits shiva for ideas that are too trivial.

Moshe Willinsky, an accountant and resident of Williamsburg said he felt it appropriate to perform kria and sit shiva when his son failed eighth grade algebra since he saw this meant his son would not be following in his footsteps into the accountant trade.

“I didn’t want this for little Yiddle. If he isn't an accountant he may have no choice but to become a begger or a schlepper in kollel. But mainly I just wanted all the attention of people visiting my home,” Willinsky said.

Ever since it became apparent he wasn’t able to pay for the new Torah day school and community mikveh, visits to the Wilinsky homes have been almost none. And the Willinsky family is representative of a whole new class of Hassidim who are happy to sacrifice their firstborn son to regain attention from their neighbors.

The winner of a straw-poll vote for the best explanation was from Yankel Villiams, owner of Speedvay repair service who is also currently sitting shiva for his son, Zalman.

“It seems there are so many Hassidim around today and so few ways to stand out, I just wanted the fellows at the minyan to come pay attention to me for a few mornings. If that is the only thing I can do to set myself apart, then so be it. I plan on eventual excommunication for all 12 of my children,” Villiams said.

Opinions amongst the members of the Gedolim were mixed, but mostly favorable.

“As usual, the Hassidim are happy with anything that increases divisiveness and keeps the followers too busy to question their leadership. I suppose this chumra, this ridiculous stringency is no worse than the microscopic bugs in the water.”Said Moshe Dovid Tendler, a professor emeritus at Yeshiva University, the most non-hassidic yeshiva in New York.

His opinion was mirrored by Rebbeim from the Hassidic dynasties on the other side of the fence.

“We have a work problem for our children because the number of followers is limited we can’t set up all our children with a stable retinue of subservient donors. The BT movement brought new people in, but this is a good way to mix up the existing followers to put our children in the business of being rabbeim,” Said Rabbi Baruch Shalom HaLevi Ashlag, as conjured via séance by the current Dzirka Rebbe.

But other people were not so blithe about dismissing things off the bat.

“This is a sad day, when people who are already will do almost anything for attention are willing to do this as well,” Said Pastor Jimm Folsell. “It is one thing to wear a heavy wool coat and hat in the summer heat, but child sacrifice was only intended for the Temple when it stood in the time of Jesus.”

“Just look at the book of Gedalia, he offered his daughter up to a sacrifice of thanks. There was a price, but he was able to get out of it and came out ahead in the long run. Don’t you wish you were mentioned in the bible, or at least a Jewish newspaper?” Said sales agent Aryeh Frankel. “Won’t your friends all envy you when they see your shiva on the top of the fold? You won’t have to answer your own phone, and the rabbi will come to your house to cover the mirrors!”

Monday, November 5, 2007

Mikveh Protest Arouses riots from thousands in Burro Park

Mikveh Protest Arouses riots from thousands in Burro Park

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

A protest last Wednesday by single Jewish men outside a Boro Park mikveh attracted hundreds of protestors and thousands of counter protesters and raised fear in the Charedi community of married men.

The single men were angry and protesting that the Orthodox Community doesn't allow dating and was refusing to help them get married, raising massive fear from the married men that their wives would not have sex with them in sympathy to the protestors because Orthodox Jewish law considers them filthy until they complete the required immersion in the ritual bath, or mikveh.

In a manner reminiscent of Christian groups that block access to abortion clinics, the protesting single men formed a human chain across the women's mikvah while chanting, “If we can't get any then you can't either!”

The married men were afraid the women would continue to avoid sex more than they already do in sympathy, when they would be unable to copulate with their husbands or other Jewish lovers.

“Why should my wife continue fucking our Shabbes goy but not me just because of a few stupid single men? If they can't get wealthy parents why should they even want to get married?” some of the counter protesters said.

The single men carried signs protesting shaddchan practices with slogans like “Can't anyone else get pussy without being wealthy first?” or “Can't we all just get it on?”

Meanwhile the married men were also in uproar and had signs that said things like: “I only get laid one week a month and you are going to take another day away from me?”

The protest was organized by Rabbi Moshe Gelbert of Midwood, a sextant in a midtown synagogue. Between chain and chain smoking cigarettes and screaming in the face of everyone he calmly explained how he was screwed over in the marriage game by an unscrupulous loblolly matchmaker, as were many of his friends.

“This protest is for every Jewish boy who suffered for years only to find he wasn't wealthy enough for the rabbis to help him marry.

Notably absent was Chananya Weissman, the Orthodox rabbi behind a different group protesting the same situation. He issued a press releaase on his website, stating that although he has written and spoken very forcefully on the issues, he couldn't agree with a protest staged by reform Jews.

He gave no indication where he got the idea this was a protest of Reform Jews, a claim strongly disputed by every protester present.

“We don't even have a single kippah seruggah, here” said Gelbert, the groups organizer. However, a survey of the crowds revealed a dozen faces from the colloquium that Weissman held in Midwood during the winter of 2004.

Also present was MTV rock star and Chabad faceman Matisyahu, who managed to give a relevant Dvar torah in Broken Yiddish, despite having grown up a full-on secular American.

“He's progressing on the way to being an FFB very quickly,” said Moshe Grunfield of Crown Heights.

Matisyahu said “It says in parshas Mispotim that the early Israelite men were led astray by the Midianite women. But how can the Hassidic boys of Borro Park be led astray if they can't even attend my concerts to meet women?

“It is bad enough being a yeshiva bachur and your only relief comes from another bachur in the mens mikveh, but with no marriage in sight this is getting ridiculous. Doesn't happiness count anymore?” he said.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

New Dating service for Chulent party

New Dating service for Chulent party

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to

You may have heard about the dating service called It's just lunch. Well there is a new frum dating service that many are raving about that is centered around a classic Thursday night ritual called the Council for Grabbing Chulent of America. The site, called “It's Just Chulent,” is centered around matching up random people who attend a weekly party of chassidim who gather to socialize, talk Torah, drink beer and smoke.

Much like the busy professional people who go on lunch dates with other potential busy professionals, the site is geared towards attendees of a certain demographic, only partiers at this weekly all-night gathering are less busy than most professionals, instead they are seeking a city of refuge, says founder Rabbi Issac Chai Shon of Burro Park.

According to the web site information, the stated purpose of the group is “to provide traditional matchmaker services for attendees of the group since every is sleeping around with the other people there anyways.” This is in marked contrast to most orthodox yeshivot and congregations where the rabbis are the only ones getting any when they victimize their congregates and members.

Chulenteers get the address and password when attending the weekly gathering. If they pass out it is written on their foreheads with a sharpie. Then, Friday afternoon, they log in and put up their photo, profile and references. Navigating the site is simple with easy to follow icons replacing Yiddish, English, Hebrew or other languages.

“We had to borrow heavily from sign language and Esperanto, said the sites designer, who wishes to remain anonymous in his house of worship which is located on 16th Avenue between 43 and 46th Streets, on the left hand side in Burro Park. The designer also cited fears that people wouldn't trust a single male as the head of a large kashruth organization.

The result of the design is phenomenal, users declare.

“I can tell which men are into women, men or both just by the hand symbols, no languages needed. That's great since I am unable to read,” Said Rabbi Nosson Weisz, head of a Congregation Ahava Rabah of Burro Park. “They always love it when I do the penis in the chulent trick!”

Weisz said he is urging his entire congregation to join the site in an effort to simplify his job of satisfying congregants and he is not alone. A recent informal telephone survey of twenty four distinguished Jewish leaders showed unanimous support for making a frum place for people to go off the derech without all the goyim getting involved.

So far the site has led to a boon in an unrelated industry that nobody had expected. “The Rabbis who work as scribes” are cashing in on superstitious Hassidim who “think they need a Get after having intercourse while other people are watching,” said the mashgiasch for the chulent party.

Many people decry the extreme localization of the site, claiming atheists outside of the Manhattan area are getting shortchanged. But Rabbi Chai refuted those claims in a sweeping statement on Thursday, April first of this year.

“There are people who claim that ex-orthodox Jews live in Boston, Atlanta and even California but we all know the Rebbi told us the real Jews only live in Brooklyn!” he said. “The world is flat, and is not even 6,000 years old and single people can come here to us or can suffer in hell!”

Others disageed, saying things like “Isaac is a nut,” or alluded to his accepting funding from right wing Haredi groups so that he could one day move out from living with his mother, according to anonymous sources inside the Chulent party who didn't want to be identified on a Jewish blog.

“We all know Isaac is stuck in that plight of being over 40 and wanting a wife under 20 who will bear him 12 children. He has a lot of financial ground to make up. All the old frum farts get there some time or another,” Said a participant known only by the pseudonym Berel witzoberg.

“The genesis of the site came because so many people were having sex in the bathrooms of the Milinery Center Synagogue, and we just put it into action,” said Rabbi Xylum of the Chulent Party.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Seminary to offer child molester certification for rabbis

Seminary to offer child molester certification for rabbis

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to

“We want our kids to have the same upbringing we did,” Said Moshe Karliner-Stanislov, a parent attending the PTA at a local yeshiva school. The parents were quite clear about wanting their Jewish traditions continued at a recent ceremony in the Brooklyn rabbinical school Torah Vodas. This was the idea behind a certification concerning pedophilia at the academy which gives a highly prized ordination and also teaches grades K to 12.

“Unfortunately, pedophilia has been going on as long as society has been around,” said Goldie Rosenberg, a social worker for a Satmar school. “This certification is a great step in the right direction.

The head director of Torah Vodas, Rabbi Yisroel Belsky, gave the address outlining the unofficial school position and why they were offering the endorsement.

“Many of the adults who graduated from this school have fond memories of a Rebbe or teacher who took them aside and showed them the secrets of this world as taken from the holy Shaas and they want that same advantage to their kids,” he said. “By offering a certification in regards to pedophilia, we can ensure everyone learns about sexual interactions at an early age and under proper supervision with their rebbe,” he said.

Another parent also relayed his own fond memories of Rabbi Belsky offering him a ride home and then taking him to the house of Rabbi Yehudda Kolko from nearby Yeshiva Torah Temimah for a little rabbinical-three-way sex.

“That day was the start of my life and the preparation I need for my Bar Mitzvah. It set me up for a lifetime of internal conflict which gave explosion to my book about chronic masturbation and made me a millionaire. If it weren't for my emotional problems I would not be the celebrity I am today,” said visiting Jewish writer Philip Roth.

An upcoming graduate of the ordination program gave a valedictorian where he went in depth with an explaining about the new outreach yeshivas and Chabad being very persistent in encouraging their students to go to the mikveh for spiritual purification.

“You know they discovered that old adage about the mivkeh being where all the dicks and assholes hang out when he limps into Kablat Shabbat during Lecha Dodi while holding his rear end and grimacing. They will never leave the religion at that point, and then they can start in on bulimia,” Said Rabbi Levi Kranz.

“The only thing that can make a man more dedicated, is an adult convert who has a bris with metzizah b'peh as an adult,” Said Kranz, in reference to a controversial form of child abuse that involves a rabbi putting his mouth on the penis of a newborn, that is sometimes done in a prayer hall, and sometimes in privacy in the rabbis study.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Rabbinical Council introduces new blessing for Themselves

Rabbinical Council introduces new blessing for Themselves

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to

In a move the say the have calculated to increase honor for themselves, the members of theAgudath Israel Rabbinical board, the Motzes Gedolei Hatorah have introduced a new brocha into the public lexicon.

The blessing is hamotze gedolim min ha-am-haaretz and is calculated for ordinary humans and regular Jews to show the Motze board members the honor they deserve by reciting it when addressing one of the board members, or when board members enter the room, a spokesperson said.

We’ve legislated informally for a long time that certain rabbis have achieved a level of recognition from the community that they deserve exceptional treatment. This will merely be a way to formally recognize the honor that we deserve as members,” said board chair Yaakov Perlow.

Other people have protested that Rabbis pretend that they are holy with black hats and long white beards but don’t deserve the honorary treatment that would accompany a rabbinically introduced brocha. Nonetheless, the board, claiming they are different, has downed the naysayers and started instituting the blessing.

Pundits and naysayers alike feel like this blessing should do nothing but good for the fundraising efforts of the board members since it will only increase the inferiority complex of people who come to speak to them and must kneel on one knee without bowing.

We have started with a half folded laminated card that we will distribute as part of our next fundraising mailing and an awareness campaign in association with some of our subsidiary boards,” Said Rabbi Moshe Sherer, the late leader of Agudath Israel, as conjured in a séance by Rabbi Yaakov Perlow. “Since it isn't even me, but our deceased Torah sages, you can trust them more than me,” Perlow added.

Agudath Israel has already raised a million dollars from various donors to pay for advertising in all major Jewish areas and publication. In addition a corps of Lubavitcher kosher supervisors are being hired to escort the Gedolim everywhere, walk quiet and carry large sticks.

Although the thought of a swift whack seems repugnant to the typical person, a random interview of many men walking to work at the offices of B&H camera store received multiple confirmations that this would merely be a continuation of how they were treated as youths in their ultra-orthodox education up to the age of 19.

As a continuation of the kiddusha of the rabbonim, it is my sincere hope and desire that this is also said for me soon,” Said Isaac Seanfeld, founder of the Vaad Hafotzas Chulent B'America. “I am sure that Shlomo would have the same thing said about him as well.”

Seanfeld went further to state that since Rabbis had taken over the tithing intended for the now defunct Temple in Jerusalem, he hoped to soon buy a home away from his current residence with his mother.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Marine Park Shul Prepares to accept new applications for club 612

Marine Park Shul Prepares to accept new applications for club 612

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to

A shul in the Marine Park section of Brooklyn is opening its' own adjunct of a Brooklyn institution that has been around for generations, the famous club 612. As with religion and everything else, the Hasidim of Seagate and Borough Park bring further refinement to the world by introducing genetic counseling and a free loan club to your basic sex club orgy.

Called 612 because they exclude the commandment of adultery from the 613 commandments in the Torah, the group has very specific entry requirements for entry, including examination by a physician for diseases and donation of $20,000 to the free loan fund for members.

We find that there are so many qualified applications from Marine Park that it is only natural that we extend membership to that area,” Said Nechiemia Waldmanstein, a founding member of the organization.

Other Hassidim had good things to say about the organization as well.

There is such a lack of genetic diversity in the community, but also so much danger that our children will have Tay Sachs, or other genetic diseases, I find the groups policies to be such a source of comfort,” Said one man who would only be identified as Mordechai, son of David. “There is genetic counselingto say who can procreate with who and we strictly follow it,” he said

Membership includes several of the largest Rebbes in the area who saw the danger of sexual harassment lawsuits early on and opted for an organization that has a signed legal disclaimer up front.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe might have gotten away with having a bed in his office on the pretense of studying Torah until very late at night but that only worked in the dark ages of litigation and would never pass muster today,” Said Rabbi Whore-a-wiyts, a big Talmud chachim and Jewish historian.

And others pro actively contradict some of the criticisms of the group.

We are into fucking other mens wives only,” Said a big degenerate. “The group is mainly heterosexual. We excluded the Penislover Rebbe, whose yeshiva was closed because he used to fuck his students in the ass. I mean it is one thing to have a guy help you get ready for his wife, it is another thing to do it with another man to completion, although most of us tried at one point or another. But what are you supposed to do, when you're a fifteen-year-old boy in yeshiva with no relief in sight. As married men and leaders of congregations we don't have to live like that anymore,” Said rabbi Naftali Weiss, who has fathered over 40 children through the club outside of his wife.

And what of claims of religiousness?

Most of us are officially atheists. As Hasidim we talk about God so much it becomes a meaningless abstraction anyhow,” Rabbi Weiss said. “It is so deeply ingrained in our culture that not believing has little to do with prayer or observance.”

Another kollel wife was also quick to defend the practices of club 612 as well as other afternoon activities of her and other wives.

Sure it gets lonely when Moishe studies from 6 am to midnight. He's so religious he feels guilty about procreating, which is why I like to spend afternoons cuddling with Sarah next door. But Sarah won't give me more babies, will she?” Said Frummit Maklokes, an adjunct member of 612 whose husband has fathered two of their eight children.

Any walk down 15th Avenue will show plenty of women walking together, if one knows what to look for, Mrs. Makklokes said. She said the opaque stockings and wigs are just a cover up for a promiscuous lifestyle. “If one knows what to look for, you can see who has been sleeping around. Just look for a wig that has the edge turned a little crooked showing they got dressed in no time flat, and you will have found yet another BP woman who has been taking in an afternoon delight” she said.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Second kashruth scandal erupts in Monsey, this time over fruit

Second kashruth scandal erupts in Monsey, this time over fruit
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini of Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to

Another scandal has erupted in the Orthodox community of Monsey, NY over the kashruth labeling of fruit in local groceries. Residents are in uproar over fruit under supervision of Rabbi Tzvi Jacobs that was labeled as pareve Yisroel.

“We are furious!” said Moshe Silberstein, a member of the Viznitzer Hassidim. “Parve Yisroel means that the fruit was picked by a Jew in a state of ritual purity. Having the name of Tzvi Jacobs means that no woman handled our bananas during her period!”

People were angry when they discovered the fruit was not from a secret Hassidic Jewish plantation but was actually picked by Mexican migrant laborers in California. The scandal was held back for a period of hours as the original gossips who knew were tracked down and threatened with expulsion if they shared, but one yenta let it slip while reading a shidduch for the rebbes grandson and the tide of news could not be contained any longer.

“They had a secret factory set up in Nyak, solely for removing the Chiquita stickers and putting on the ones that said 'Koysher parvah yisroel' from Rabbi Jacobs. First it was Shevachs chicken, and now this!” said a Monsey Kollel wife who chose to remain anonymous.
While many people can claim they escaped eating the treif chicken from Shevachs, it seems the fruit scandal has pervaded every corner, with almost no person left untouched.

“It was the most beautifully tasty fruit in five counties, I don't know a single person who didn't buy this fruit at one of the local stores,” said Mordechai Swiaticky, Rosh Yeshiva of Ohr Somayach and local Schnorrer.

The response in the mainstream news was incredulous and the television waves were again bombarded with images of frum Jews immersing their fruit bowls and paring knives in boiling water all over Rockland County and also nearby Kiryas Yoel.

The scandal seemed a repeat from a kashruth scandal that erupted over Shevachs chicken, which had the best tasting chicken in town but never seemed to order supplies from the kosher butcher company whose chicken they purportedly were selling. That scandal was discovered when an insomnolent Hassidic man observed a crane lifting the entire freezer off the ground, with the supervisors lock intact and a truck from Perdue Chicken unloading delicious breast meat that only cost a third as much as regular kosher chicken.

Before he fled town, Mr. Shevach was reported as saying the profit margins had been incredible and he had already paid off the mortgage on his mansion, a high-ranch, which is now back on the real-estate market.

“The amazing thing about the chicken was that everyone ate it, and loved how it tasted better than the frum chickn and nobody knew why. But this fruit really affected everyones' neshama in the way a chicken doesn't,” said Mordechai Tenovitch, Grandson of Moshe Tenovitch.

Friday, April 20, 2007

What Does My Name Mean?

What does my name mean?

An editorial column by Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

Hi everyone! I have been getting lots of inquiries as of late, so I came to realize that you too may wonder, what does all the Hebew in my name stand for? Well, I am here to tell you.
Rabbi, is an old word, it means teacher or leader. Although lately people act like it means you should give them the Priestly tithing to live will without working, as if they were actually conducting the service in the demolished temple in Jerusalem. Of course we all know that is not true, but that is what rabbi means.

My first name, Lamech is after a biblical character. He was cousin to Cain. After Cain slew Abel, Lamech was out hunting in the woods. Of course, he was already old and partially blind so he was hunting with his son, who told him which way to point his bow and arrow. Apparently he was so strong and the bow was so big, that he was the only one who could hunt with it. His son saw a movement and told him to shoot, so he killed Cain. He was so upset at this he clapped, and that then killed his own firstborn son.

Then his wives wanted to divorce him to avoid the curse he brought on his household, but he then pointed out nobody would want to mess with him since he was cursed for seven generations for killing his cousin, but anyone who messed with him would be cursed for 77 generations.

In the yeshiva world it was considered an insult to call someone klutzy a Lamech.
Somayach is the Hebrew word for happiness. It is a pun on so many organizations that call themselves the source of happiness or the light. Of course I am pretty happy now, but I wasn't for a long time.

A Meshumad is one who has had the good fortune to fall away from religiousness and since the Haredim frown on any individuality, they consider this a bad thing. But you and I know otherwise.

A person who is worthy of praise is called a Meshubach, and in this case, what is more worthy of praise than bringing people to the truth of how their silly chumras are drivng them crazy.
When in yeshiva there are all the normal types of positions counterpart to what one might expect from a public school with a few additions or subtractions. The Mashgiach Ruchini is a patronage position and a general teaching position given to someone charged with giving inspirational talks about how all the lies are true and how pure the motives of the money grubbing blood suckers who run the place. Usually it is a person who cheers on the yeshiva and the whole system, not the other way around.

The name of the yeshiva where I am employed is Aishes Eish Hatorah and this is perhaps one of the greatest mixed metaphors of all. One of the largest sources of misinformation about Charedi Judaism is called Aish HaTorah, or Fire of the Torah. They wear an easy face but they really advocate an extremely restrictive millionaire lifestyle, since they are looking mainly for millionaire donors. The second half of the metaphor is a biblical term for adultery, Aishes Eish, or a married mans' woman. Of course this is one thing they don't advocate, but it makes for a nice contrast.

Reform Rabbis Forbid Visits To Monsey

Reform Rabbis Declare Monsey off limits to Jews

By Rabbi Lamech SomayachMeshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

Many Jews are in an uproar following a recent In a recent spate of declarations by various rabbis across the nation, as various cities have been declared off limits. The ban on visiting cities now means that many will have to undergo a pricely relocation their residence or else follow strict rules to stay in their current home.

While several prominent Orthodox rabbis have banned Miami, more surprisingly, the largest body of reform rabbis have correspondingly banned Monsey, NY, home to the orthodox rabbis who banned Miami.

“This is not a revenge banning,” Said Rabbi Fred Smith, a member of the council that issued the Monsey Ban.

While the original ban on Miami was based on the declarations that people on the beach were dressed immodestly, The Central Conference of American Rabbis, a Reform umbrella organization however has declared Monsey off-limits for other reasons. The ban on Monsey is based on an opinion that the Rabbis there behave immorally.

“The mandate of carry the message of ethics to the world has been abandoned in favor of ripping everyone off for tithing profits to religious institutions. This abandonment of Gods great and holy message has made Monsey and all businesses connected to that place a source of great spiritual danger. There is great risk for the people who go so far as to lay their eyes on a single fur hat, or a head that is full of lust for money and power,” Said Rabbi Harry K. Danziger, president of the Central Conference of American Rabbis, a Reform umbrella organization.

The proclamation read, in part: “Behold, we have found Charedi men who have given themselves to dishonesty in business and lust for money. We have found a place where rabbis consider themselves men of power who cover up for themselves and others to dwell with small children in lust and who hunger after money and power, and this is a desecration of Gods holy 26 letter name” began the proclamation that the Reform rabbis sent.

They also went into long length about the sin of using a religion to embarrass fellow Jews in public or to use rules designed to build people up as a way to strong-arm them into tithing or other forms of donations.

Quoting the words of the Chazon Ish, the great Haredi Rabbi who founded B'nei B'rak, the rabbis go on to point out how the entire city has become corrupted beyond redemption and the only solution is for people to voluntarily relocate to towns with little or no business and renew their reputations by living a simple life and avoiding the consumption of meat or dairy products.

The Reform Rabbis even copied the ban in Miami when the invoked the Babylonian Talmud in declaring anyone who voluntarily associated with such a place to be an evil man, saying that dishonest business practices in the town were so rampant that it was impossible to avert ones eyes, for even the menu prices in restaurants are 50 percent higher than in the delicious treifeleh goyish eateries.

Completing the ban were orderly numbered directions for extricating ones' business affairs and moving bank accounts to a more wasp oriented zip code, but included a suggestion of keeping ones affairs within the Reform Jewish community if possible. Not surprisingly it only made a mild allowances for anyone who would want to visit a sick or elderly parent or relative.

“History has shown that a complete disengagement is the only way to start the process of changes necessary for ethical living,” Danziger said. The Chazon Ish showed that in making a new town of Bnei Brak and we're doing it again 50 years later.”

The steps made allowances for the elderly to stay in their homes, although it said that children wouldn't have to visit their parents since it would be a sin; said that visiting sick parents there should be left up to women and not men, but said a man could visit his parents if he stayed off the main streets. The ban of Monsey concluded with a promise of everlasting salvation to people who were able to leave such an environment and locate elsewhere.

“This is just like Chemielnicky and the Cossack uprisings in Bershad, well at least they didn't kills us this time,” Said Rabbi Yaakov Rotenberg, the Salka Roov of Monsey, through a translater. The translator clarified that although Rabbi Rotenberg speaks perfect English, he refused to to so for “a schmuttzy blog like that of Rabbi Somayach.”

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Kolko reinstated for celebration of Simchas Bais HaToeva

Kolko reinstated for celebration of Simchas Bais HaToeva at his old Yeshvia

Rabbi Yehudda Kolko is out of jail and rehired at Torah Temimah

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to

In a move that shocked many today, Rabbi Lipa Margolies re-instated Rabbi Yehudda Kolko at the yeshiva where he is accused of molesting little boys and then created a new celebration of that fact. The new holiday is called Simchas Bais Hatoevah at Torah Temimah, and Kolko will be in charge of the celebrations.

The pending incarceration of the rabbi and a pending lawsuit were not a deterrent to Rabbi Margolies, who said that recent allegations of child molestation could not be substantiated by people who were minors at the time since women and children are not valid witnesses in a Jewish court.

“If you know the law, you can always find an exception,” He said.

In demonstration of his renewed trust in Kolko, he announced that the rabbis new job title will be supervisor of the boys bathhouse where he will be in charge of the new annual celebration called Simchas Bais HaToeva, in English, the celebration in the house of abomination.

The celebration promises to be totally unlike Simchas Bais HaShoevah which occurs after Sukkus, and is based on the prayer for rain that marks the start of the rain and growing season in Israel, where it doesn't rain at all in the summer. Usually the men have big celebrations with men dancing and singing and drinking and eating while the women sit in the balcony and watch on.

In the Abomination festival things will be different. Margolies said he is going to have Kolko “in the mikveh getting naked with the boys making sure nothing funny goes on with those little perverts,” Margolies said. “The only way to put a stop to the cycle of rumours, is putting him on the council supervising modesty for the yeshiva and have him in a room alone with the boys to make sure it is ok.”

Reactions ranged from shock to celebration. “This is just another in a long series of outrages, but it could be good for business” said Jeffrey Herman, an attorney who says poised to make millions of dollars from his multiple suits filed on behalf of former victims of Kolko, some cases going back decades.

But many others were not shocked and actually were happy with the decision. For example, Harav Naftali Halberstam released a statement that “the daas Torah of Rabbi Kolko cannot be challenged by the apikorsus of a few children since they are not even admissible as witnesses in a religious court and are not considered viable humans under Talmudic law.

The opinion of Rabbi Halberstam supporting the unquestioned innocence of Rabbi Kolko based solely on Talmudic circumlucation was co-signed by over 35 Roshei Yeshiva from around Brooklyn, Monsey, Monroe, Jersualem and B’nei B’rak.

Other people were merely against the introduction of a new rabbinically ordained holiday. “We haven't had a a rabinically created holiday since 560 CE, when the composition of Talmud was completed. What makes him think they can start now just because they want to legitimize a little monkey business?” said Amnon Pizza, whose kosher dairy shop on 13th Avenue sells, oddly enough, Pizza.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Shlomo Carlebach declared first person resuscitated, Chabad concedes

Shlomo Carlebach declared first person resuscitated, Chabad concedes

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

In a turn of events that many call amazing, the Hassidic group, Chabad Lubovitch of Crown Heights has conceded to the members of the Carelbach Shul of Manhattan that it is possible that the first person brought back to life when the messiah comes will actually be Rabbi Schlomo Carlebach and not Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson of Crown Heights, Brooklyn, as they had previously claimed.

The unprecedented announcement came at the end of an all-night debate at the board meeting of the Motzes Gedolei Ha Torah, the ultra-orthodox organizing body founded by the Novominsker Rebbe in 1912. Originally it was supposed to be the quarterly board meeting but when a challenge came up, the answer came back from Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, the meeting chairman that the doors should be locked and nobody could leave until the question be settled for once and for all.

Even though the Lubovitchers are the single largest Hassidic group with more than a million members worldwide, the final decision came to a simple technicality on which neighborhood would be called “Ir Hacodesh,” or in English, the holy city, “which anyone could clearly see is Manhattan and not Brooklyn,” said Rabbi Moshe Sherer, president of the Agudath organization. Even more confusing was that Rabbi Sherer died on May 20 of 1998.

“We had to break out the Ouija Board to come to the final solution,” said Yaakov Perlow, current president. “It was tough getting everyones’ hands on the board amidst all the fighting but it happened.”

“This only proves that Shlomo Carlebach brough many people back to the Torah and his reward is to sing to all the Yidden as they roll in the ground back to Jerusalem,” said Rabbi Naftali Citron of the Carelbach Shul. “His style of prayer has become a worldwide standard and made it possible for many more to enjoy and participate.” This comment was thought to be in reference to the theory that all the dead people would roll from wherever they are to Jerusalem to be resuscitated.

In opposition the Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Kazen, founder of said that “Carlebach was a nothing who died a pauper in comparision to the Lubavitcher Rebbe who sent schnorers all over the world who collected so much that the rebbe was worth more than $450 million when he died in 1993. Well, he didn't really die, he actually went into hiding.”

The decision is not considered a loss for lubavitch in anyway, according to a current lubavitcher leader,”Since the decision said very little about who gets to be the messiah once the two men are back. And we who live in Crown Heights have total faith that our founder, leader and lord will be our strength and leader in the next world,” said Chabad founder Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, as conjured by Rabbi Ariel Sokolovsky, founder of the RebbeGod blog. Rabbi Sokolovsky believes the Rebbe should be reffered to by the 26 letter name usually reserved for God himself.

“The debate of who would be the messiah has plagued the Jewish people for many many years. Every time something bad happens, everyone moans that this is the sign he is coming. I had a lot of pressure beind the scenes to bring some sort of conclusion to the war between these two most powerful and faithful groups. It doesn't really matter who if they could just stop scuffling,” Rabbi Perlow said.
After the decision was announced, there was some discussion of a nevua, or prophecy that said this might happen from one of the Lubavitcher followers.

“It was just like when the Alter Rebbe passed the mantel on to his son-in-law, there was a nevua then too, and everyone had to follow it,” Said Menachem Mendel Schneur Shem Tuv, a Chasiddic follower of the Rebbe.

Rabbi Abe Xylum, who has been around both groups for years said he was somewhat shocked that there would be a disagreement.

“Sure, the Lube jobs have brawls in their headquarters all the time. People watch it on their web cams. But Carlebach? That shuls most distinguishing characteristic is being the only weekday minyan that has every single adult male there saying kaddish. I wouldn't have think the stock brokers on the West Side would care that much. More power to them for the peaceful settlement,” he said.

The decision and peaceful conclusion has many ramifications besides just the cultural decision from the group. The Agudah is going to be administrating an educational trust to be paid for by the Stockbrokers from the Carlebach shul. The Carlebach Yartzheit Educational fund will be exclusively to pay for Chabad kids throughout the world.

Another point in the decision was that Carlebach was originally doing his kiruv work with Chabad and learned to do outreach from Rabbi Schneerson himself.

“This is also funny, since most Chabadniks take the success of Carlebach as an effront since he was originally working with the Lubavitcher Rabbi and not against him. I mean he was happy in Crown Heights until the Rebbe said he had to stop sleeping with all the young chicks throwing themselves at him. He was originally learning in Lakewood, but what has lakewood done, ever? It is the endless trap of the Torah student. They go in and never leave,” Rabbi Xylum said.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Monsey Rabbi starts organization for extramarital hookers

Monsey Rabbi starts organization for extramarital hookers

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

In a move to pull an outdated legalistic society into the modern age while, Rabbi Leible Tropper of Monsey, New York has started a new organization called Eternal Jewish Pelegish, aimed at encouraging more Jewish men to take on additional sex partners in addition to their wife.

“Everyone already knows this sort of thing is common, but we want tit in the context of a legal commitment. We also want to have a slice of the money by charging men for the legal accouterments of the hoes, things like handwritten contracts on fine lambskin parchment and mikveh visits,” Tropper declared at a fundraising dinner where he announced the plan. The dinner attracted over 170 rabbis of various denominations.

There may be a lambskin document, but this is not a place for a lambskin condom, Tropper said.

“We need a greater growth rate than a mere 12 children per family, and this will allow our breadwinners to have at least 24 children for each baal habas, think of the miser from all those followers, I am almost cumming in my bekisheh at the thought,” Tropper said.

The problem is that a conversion of a non-Jewish spouse can take ten years or more and some rabbis will never give a non-Jewish spouse a conversion. He then gave the Url of a web site, as a place for further information.

According to the site, Tropper and his organization have established seven rabbinical courts across the nation catering to the frum-sex and frum-group-sex crowds., and they are in the process of establishing more.

By standardizing the pilegesh process, Eternal Jewish Family hopes to lure in mixed couples that vow to adhere to Orthodoxy said Rabbi Marvin Jacobs, conference and fundraising chair.

“We don't let any boys in the yeshiva date until we are convinced they can keep their stupid mouths shut, so that I know they won't tell anyone about having sex on the side when they are bored with their first baby popper, er wife. Just like my wife doesn't know about me and our cute Russian housekeeper,” Tropper said. “Oops,” he added.

Many graduates of his yeshiva know that the celibacy enforced on bachurim is well worth it and that the sex fest begins after sheva brachos ends.

“Didn't you ever wonder why women aren't allowed to talk in the mikveh? It is so they won't ask who all the strange visitors are that they don't recognize. We really run an orderly system in Monsey,” Tropper said.

Vaad of Flatbush places all BTs in Cherem

Vaad of Flatbush places all BTs in Cherem

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to

The Vaad harabbonim of Flatbush has declared cherem on all Baal T’shuva Jews, in a move reminiscent of The Vilna Gaon’s declaration of excommunication on practicing Hassidus.
The ruling declares that anyone who can’t prove at least 15 years of continuous observance is now expelled from the Jewish community and cannot be called to the Toireh or to witness marriages or rabbinical courts. It does not differentiate between the alleged distinction of people born into the religion and those who became religious of their own decision as adults. Instead the focus is on weeding out anyone who isn't toting the rabbinical line of chumra.

“We have had enough of people going on and off the derech and bringing the shmutz of the outside world back into our synagogues. If you haven’t been with us continuously for the last fifteen years, we don’t want you anymore. If anyone is going to take gods name in vain, it is going to be me,” Said Rabbi Yosef Eisen, head of Kosher Supervision for the 5 towns of long Island.

Although widely proclaimed as just what the religion needs to pep things up a bit, others have been less enthusiastic, claiming the decision would make it the religion of old men with gray beards. Others claim that has already happened.

“Fifteen years ago most of my followers were celebrating Christmas and didn’t yet know they could give me money instead,” Said Rebbitzen Ester Jungereis, founder and principal beneficiary of Hineni Heritage Center on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. “With no followers, how I am supposed to pay the mortgage on a luxurious brownstone on the Upper West Side as well as my home in the Five Towns of Long Island?”

Sources confirm that financial modeling was not conducted prior to the gezera and that the impact on revenues could be much greater than originally projected. In a confidential confession, one accountant for a major organization declared “We had no idea how compromised the yechus of our followers was until we started looking objectively. We may have to let go of a few of our rabbis, even ones who have stayed on the derech. This is a major deal. It is almost as if no human could actually live up to even a small percentage of all chumras and halachas.”

Another organization said they were simply shifting their affiliation but continuing to work with the new untouchables of the Orthodox Jewish world.

“Newly Jewish people are our bread and butter. We could never let their revenue stream move elsewhere,” Said Rabbi Mark Wildes, founder of the Manhattan Jewish Experience. “Instead we are going to affiliate with the halachically responsible arm of the Jewish Theological Seminary. We already pretend to dress like conservative rabbis anyhow.”

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Beit Din proceeding to Revoke Smicha on Aish Rabbi

Beit Din proceeding to Revoke Smicha on Aish Rabbi
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to

In a move that has shocked many in the frum and Baal T’shuva world, the Beit Din of the Motezes Gadolim Hador announced they are immediately starting legal proceedings to revoke the rabbinical ordination of Aish HaTorah Rabbi Kalman Packouz of North Miami Beach. The grounds for the revocation come from a d’var torah that Rabbi Packouz sent out in 2004 that contradicts the philosophical goals of Orthodox teachings and has resulted in the falling out of more than six wealthy donors from the Orthodox donors list world wide.

The announcement comes on the heels of a wave of reputation trashings across the world for rabbis who dare to make unpopular comments, often innocently enough at the time but in later light their comment is somehow found to be offensive or else there is a person who is angry and looking for a place to vent their rage.

“This loss of financial clout is unforgivable in how many rabbinical trips to vacation in Israel were lost because of people reading this essay, and that can never be forgiven” said Rabbi Nosson Wolpin, editor of the Jewish Observer, the mouthpiece of the organization. “What, should I start telling people my name is Nathanial now,” he added sarcastically.

The controversial essay was written By Rabbi Packouz on August 29, 2003, was a fairly common commentary that connected the weekly Torah Portion with contemporary events in an extemporaneous essay loaded with donation links and fundraising pleas.

The exact phrase was: “Our lesson? We must learn to be discerning. Even those things that appear to be harmless can be very dangerous. Similarly, there are many things that are detrimental to one's spiritual well-being that at first glance do not seem dangerous.”
This is clearly supposed to be a throw away cocktail party comment, Wolpin said. However, because of its ambiguity several wealthy people came to realize that their ethics had become suspect due to exposure to the Orthodox emphasis on fundraising at any cost. In addition the people realized their personal life was not significantly better after becoming frum than it was before.

“We realized we were so busy with an intellectually vacuous life that we had entirely abandoned the rigorous intellectualism that drew us in and replaced it with constantly running to minyan and watching out for chumras, and we owe this realization to Rabbi Packouz” the people said.

In order to prevent future scandals like this, the Motzes is contemplating implementing guidelines requiring central approval for all sermons before publication, but acknowledges that language can have multiple interpretations, Wolpin said.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Motzes Gedolei Hador come forth with new brocha for adultery

Motzes Gedolei Hador come forth with new brocha for adultery
Say it is time for Orthodox to connect with modern times

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to

In a move that shocked the audience at the last public meeting of the Board of Agudath Israel of America, Rabbi Nosson Scherman and Rabbi Joseph Elias announced the publication of a new brocha to be said before committing adultery and consensual intercourse between unmarried people.

The new blessing is supposed to bring a long standing tradition among Frum men back into the world of halacha by reminding both the men and women having sex outside of their spouse that Hashem is in charge of the world and that rabbinical supervision of panties and niddah is still required. It also brought a promise of rabbinical secrecy and confidentiality in the case of infidelity.

The blessing sounds like a very familiar blessing over apples and starts out just like every blessing, invoking the G-d who is the creator of the universe and commanded us with his commandments. However the ending is a surprising invocation of original sin and the tree of Knowledge. It is intended both for the pelegish and the man to recite before poking a hole in the sheet or unrolling the condom.

“The next printing of the Artscroll Siddur will contain the blessing Barouch atah adonay, elokanoo meilech ha-oilam asher kiddushanu b’mitsvosav u’vitsevanu l’ocheilas bo’ray pa’ri ha aitz ha daas,” Rabbi Scherman said. “In English that would read, “Blessed art thou, oh L-rd our G-d, creator of the universe who commanded us with his mitzvoth and commanded us concerning regarding eating of the fruit of knowledge.”

“This will bring the omnipresent knowledge of everything man does in the eyes of rabbonim to Jews attempting to stray everywhere. We estimate the increased guilt will increase tithings by 10 to 15 percent,” said Rabbi Elias. “Since donations in the shul have not kept up with the increase prices of real estate this is a vital part of continuted rabbinical hegemony.”

“After a few years of living this way our membership should be so screwed up they won’t even know if they are coming or going, much less what the leadership is or is not doing,” Elias added.

Pundits agree that the blessing should bring legitimacy to a widespread practice and thus would strengthen the state of orthodoxy even more than the innovation when Channukah was eleveated to the level of Christmas gift giving in America.

However more than one halachic scholar noted that the invention of the blessing was still too late for some people.

“This spells eventual forgiveness for Rabbi Kolko and all of Torah Temimah, but only after the NAMBLA people get through with it and that might be years, he could be dead by then,” Said Rabbi Moses Dovid Tendler of Yeshiva University.

Another scholar who refused to be named because of his own connections to allegations of marital infidelity in his own synagogue said that the main reason for the new blessing and related halachot was because some people who were unpopular have been ousted from their synagogue. For them it is too late, but others may still be saved, he said.

The Orthodox and Ultra Orthodox world have been shaken by several major scandals of sexual nature in recent years and the new blessing is hoped to be a way to stem the tide of sexual impropriety by bringing the issue back into the mainstream of discussion.

“We’ve already included excerpts from all the related Talmudic tractates and several commentaries by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, alav haShalom, into the Complete Artscroll Guide to Adultry,” Rabbi Scherman said.

Despite a single case of homosexual child molestation at one Brooklyn middle and high school, there was still no allowance for homosexuality in the brocha, which is strictly forbidden, Rabbi Scherman said. He declined to elaborate on the topic of the proper age of consent, noting solely that the Torah determines a woman is able to copulate once she has her first period, but only says males become a man at 13.

Scherman and several other rabbis went to great lengths to explain how the problem has gotten big enough to be recognized and contained and not just ignored. And failing this, they are already at work to included the blessings for Cherem and beheading as well as choking on molten lead.

New Blog

I am creating this new blog for posting of my articles for your perusal. I hope you enjoy and can relate to the satires contained here. This is the first post but I am planning to put up more as time goes on. I have attended Ponovich, Mir, Bais Midrash Elyon, Shema Yisroel, Ohr Somayach, Aish HaTorah, Derech Chaim, Hadar HaTorah, Emunas Yisroel, Shomrei Emunah, Stalin, Carlin, Viznitz, Satmar, Bostoner, Toldos Avrahom Yitzchock, The Vaad Chafatzos Chulent B'America, Yeshiva Chipas Emes, Shomer Shabbos and many other institutes of higher Torah learning. I have lived in Boro Park, Flatbush, Midwood, Monsey, Lakewood, Long Beach, Five Towns, the Upper West Side, the Upper East Side, Jerusalem, Bnei Brak, Tel Aviv and many other Jewish places. You probably know me and have no idea who I am. I love Jasmine Tea.