Tuesday, October 30, 2007

New Dating service for Chulent party

New Dating service for Chulent party

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

You may have heard about the dating service called It's just lunch. Well there is a new frum dating service that many are raving about that is centered around a classic Thursday night ritual called the Council for Grabbing Chulent of America. The site, called “It's Just Chulent,” is centered around matching up random people who attend a weekly party of chassidim who gather to socialize, talk Torah, drink beer and smoke.

Much like the busy professional people who go on lunch dates with other potential busy professionals, the site is geared towards attendees of a certain demographic, only partiers at this weekly all-night gathering are less busy than most professionals, instead they are seeking a city of refuge, says founder Rabbi Issac Chai Shon of Burro Park.

According to the web site information, the stated purpose of the group is “to provide traditional matchmaker services for attendees of the group since every is sleeping around with the other people there anyways.” This is in marked contrast to most orthodox yeshivot and congregations where the rabbis are the only ones getting any when they victimize their congregates and members.

Chulenteers get the address and password when attending the weekly gathering. If they pass out it is written on their foreheads with a sharpie. Then, Friday afternoon, they log in and put up their photo, profile and references. Navigating the site is simple with easy to follow icons replacing Yiddish, English, Hebrew or other languages.

“We had to borrow heavily from sign language and Esperanto, said the sites designer, who wishes to remain anonymous in his house of worship which is located on 16th Avenue between 43 and 46th Streets, on the left hand side in Burro Park. The designer also cited fears that people wouldn't trust a single male as the head of a large kashruth organization.

The result of the design is phenomenal, users declare.

“I can tell which men are into women, men or both just by the hand symbols, no languages needed. That's great since I am unable to read,” Said Rabbi Nosson Weisz, head of a Congregation Ahava Rabah of Burro Park. “They always love it when I do the penis in the chulent trick!”

Weisz said he is urging his entire congregation to join the site in an effort to simplify his job of satisfying congregants and he is not alone. A recent informal telephone survey of twenty four distinguished Jewish leaders showed unanimous support for making a frum place for people to go off the derech without all the goyim getting involved.

So far the site has led to a boon in an unrelated industry that nobody had expected. “The Rabbis who work as scribes” are cashing in on superstitious Hassidim who “think they need a Get after having intercourse while other people are watching,” said the mashgiasch for the chulent party.

Many people decry the extreme localization of the site, claiming atheists outside of the Manhattan area are getting shortchanged. But Rabbi Chai refuted those claims in a sweeping statement on Thursday, April first of this year.

“There are people who claim that ex-orthodox Jews live in Boston, Atlanta and even California but we all know the Rebbi told us the real Jews only live in Brooklyn!” he said. “The world is flat, and is not even 6,000 years old and single people can come here to us or can suffer in hell!”

Others disageed, saying things like “Isaac is a nut,” or alluded to his accepting funding from right wing Haredi groups so that he could one day move out from living with his mother, according to anonymous sources inside the Chulent party who didn't want to be identified on a Jewish blog.

“We all know Isaac is stuck in that plight of being over 40 and wanting a wife under 20 who will bear him 12 children. He has a lot of financial ground to make up. All the old frum farts get there some time or another,” Said a participant known only by the pseudonym Berel witzoberg.

“The genesis of the site came because so many people were having sex in the bathrooms of the Milinery Center Synagogue, and we just put it into action,” said Rabbi Xylum of the Chulent Party.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Seminary to offer child molester certification for rabbis

Seminary to offer child molester certification for rabbis

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

“We want our kids to have the same upbringing we did,” Said Moshe Karliner-Stanislov, a parent attending the PTA at a local yeshiva school. The parents were quite clear about wanting their Jewish traditions continued at a recent ceremony in the Brooklyn rabbinical school Torah Vodas. This was the idea behind a certification concerning pedophilia at the academy which gives a highly prized ordination and also teaches grades K to 12.

“Unfortunately, pedophilia has been going on as long as society has been around,” said Goldie Rosenberg, a social worker for a Satmar school. “This certification is a great step in the right direction.

The head director of Torah Vodas, Rabbi Yisroel Belsky, gave the address outlining the unofficial school position and why they were offering the endorsement.

“Many of the adults who graduated from this school have fond memories of a Rebbe or teacher who took them aside and showed them the secrets of this world as taken from the holy Shaas and they want that same advantage to their kids,” he said. “By offering a certification in regards to pedophilia, we can ensure everyone learns about sexual interactions at an early age and under proper supervision with their rebbe,” he said.

Another parent also relayed his own fond memories of Rabbi Belsky offering him a ride home and then taking him to the house of Rabbi Yehudda Kolko from nearby Yeshiva Torah Temimah for a little rabbinical-three-way sex.

“That day was the start of my life and the preparation I need for my Bar Mitzvah. It set me up for a lifetime of internal conflict which gave explosion to my book about chronic masturbation and made me a millionaire. If it weren't for my emotional problems I would not be the celebrity I am today,” said visiting Jewish writer Philip Roth.

An upcoming graduate of the ordination program gave a valedictorian where he went in depth with an explaining about the new outreach yeshivas and Chabad being very persistent in encouraging their students to go to the mikveh for spiritual purification.

“You know they discovered that old adage about the mivkeh being where all the dicks and assholes hang out when he limps into Kablat Shabbat during Lecha Dodi while holding his rear end and grimacing. They will never leave the religion at that point, and then they can start in on bulimia,” Said Rabbi Levi Kranz.

“The only thing that can make a man more dedicated, is an adult convert who has a bris with metzizah b'peh as an adult,” Said Kranz, in reference to a controversial form of child abuse that involves a rabbi putting his mouth on the penis of a newborn, that is sometimes done in a prayer hall, and sometimes in privacy in the rabbis study.