Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Bruno, a movie that teaches more than you think

Bruno, a movie that teaches more than you think

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

Sasha Baron Cohen opens his latest movie with the character having a sexual escapade with his midget latino lover that included pouring champagne while using the rectum of his boyfriend as a bottle holder and putting giant 20 foot springs on an overstuffed leather rolling office chair to propel him into anal sex in a comic book fashion. The movie is an artistic success despite not splashing big into the box office.

You are probably wondering how an Orthodox Rabbi would know anything about the current cinema, since, “everybody knows” the Orthodox don't go to movies. That saying is only partially right. A Jewish man in beard and black suit would never be seen in line to a public movie theater. The high admission charge, the questionable kashruth on the pop corn, the questionable content in the movies. No, Orthodox men do not go to movies.

Instead, we download them from the pirate web sites using the free internet access we pilfer from the non-Jewish neighbors and watch the movies on our computers, burn them onto blank DVDs and share it with our “business companions.”

In the beginning we are shown the decadent celebrity life led by Bruno with fashion shows and celebrities. He loses his job and goes on a quest to regain his celebrity status, in the meanwhile hoodwinking many average Americans who don't know they are part of a movie. Because almost everyone has heard about Cohen's characters he had to dig deep to find people to fool. Luckily there are places like Missisisppi and Oklahoma and politicians like Ron Paul, whom he tries to seduce under the auspices of confused identity, he thought he was scoring sex with the Transsexual musician Rupaul.

The best part of this is a test screening of his television show that features him dancing first in only a thong and then naked, followed by a CGI of his penis dancing and shouting his name, “Bruno!” The test audience is completely offended and walks out.

After a case of confusion where the employees of a hotel are confronted with trying to unlock Bruno from a bondage position with his assistant the two men are left to limp their way, still conjoined to a locksmith, until a police officer board the bus and wants to know why two naked men are chained together in a thong with a racoon tail the assistant leaves him.

Bruno sees a rural souther preacher who has a history of converting gays and then goes to a private home for a gang-bang. While all the other couples have an ordinary men and women Bruno brings a freaky looking dominatrix with DD silicon, tattoos all around her waist and dual nipple piercings. While the others have sex, Bruno goes around and stares deeply and romantically in the mens' eyes until the dominatrix grabs him with a whip and he goes out a window and into the night.

Finally Bruno things his ticket to fame is to take up an issue. Since Darfur has always been taken, he asks the audience where is Dar-five. He flies to to the African continent and trades his iPod for a small child and gives the baby boy a name he thinks is African, OJ. There is a long scene where he interviews parents about using their children in a photo shoot involving dangerous machinery, sharp knives, dangerous animals and insects. This is the third scene in the movie where theater is completely silent. No raucous laughter.

He takes little OJ on a talk show, Today With Richard Bey where the all black audience is outraged to see a gay white man raising a black baby. This is where I started to catch on to what Cohen was doing with his movie. While we were laughing at the stupid bystanders he seduced in his first big movie about prejudice, this movie shows us something so ridiculous we don't laugh. The audience gets a taste of the experience the people in the Ali G show and in the movie Borat. The silence in the audience is because people are too disgusted.

Of course he ends the movie on a hilarious note, when he holds a match in the Ultimate Fighting Arena in Oklahoma with a bunch of beer drinking red necks who think they are attending Straight Dave's Fight Night. Their reactions are great when someone in the audience calls the host a faggot, climbs into the ring as if the two are going to fight. It turns out to be Bruno's long lost assistant, and instead of the anticipated fight, the two men begin making out and taking off each other's clothes. The red necks begin throwing things, pelting the cage with bottles of beer and one man hits himself on the head in shock.

The movie is Cohen's third, and probably his last. His three characters and they too well known to fool people again. But don't discount the genius of Cohen to come up with something new and surprising. The movie puts the audience in the position of the people they were laughing at moments before. In his crusade against prejudice Sasha Cohen breaks new ground both by campaigning for gay rights and exposing audiences to their own hypocrisy. The message is clear, we all need to grow up andl earn to accept one another.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Satmar announces number one award for growth

Satmar spokesman announces CDC number one award for growth

By Rabbi Lamech Somach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to

The Hassidic group Satmar held a press conference announcing they won an achievement
award for outstanding progress from the government of the United States, announced Mordechai Teitelbaum, spokesperson for the grand Rebbe based out of the Williamsburg neighborhood in Brooklyn. “Our organizational goal has been to produce as many children as possible and now we are the dominant religious block in New York, and this only validates our existence. We have every appearance of success,” Teitelbaum said.

Although the announcement was heralded as proof of success, the “recognition” was actually a report from the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta regarding large amounts of high risk sexual behavior for the transmission of HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. The carefully worded report was a warning that many members of the Satmar Hassidic group regularly participate in unprotected, high risk sexual behavior, making Williamsburg the site for the next major AIDS outbreak.

The report, “High growth risk in the religious world” said that the high levels of marital infidelity found among all the various Ultra-Orthodox groups form a major risk cluster for HIV and other STDs. Because survey respondents are forced into marriage at an early age, many report openly seeking sexual experiences outside of marriage.68.5 percent of respondents reported that their spouses knew about the affair and but did not care.

Factors contributing to the problem included a complete lack of sexual education and a complete isolation from advertising designed to educate people about the problem. It also mentioned forced marriage at an early age and complete disregard for personal preferences by the individuals charged with arranging marriages. According to CDC analyst Steve Ziglar, these social conditions inside the Satmar community are highly conducive to the transmission and growth of HIV and AIDS.

“There is a disproportionate emphasis on appearances, combined with a total lack of any sex education whatsoever, including basic sexual etiquette or use of protection. The community oppression forces members into living secret lives where high risk behaviors are never addressed'” Ziglar said.

According to the report, Satmar and other Hassidim were once considered an extremely low danger group because of the appearance of high levels of monogamy. But now the danger rate has been changed to high. They now have higher rate of marital infidelity than classical musicians, rock musicians, heroin dealers or Gene Simmons, the Jewish lead singer and founder of the musical group Kiss.

Common activities for the Hassidic groups include Mikvah mixers, group trips around the world, kissing the kverer, kvetching about the tsoras from the Torahs, and the old classic, tossing the salad while peeling the fruit.

Miryam Blein of Boro Park, is quoted in the report as knowing many married couples where the husband, or wife, or both, openly had a boyfriend or girlfriend outside of their marriage, but the couple had to stay married in order to please the rabbi.

Mordechai Teitelbaum said the rabbi disapproved of this practice, saying the use of a plegish or other sexual surrogate was a pleasure reserved only for the Grand Rebbe and his wealthiest donors, not open to any member who is merely wealthy.

Rabbi Mayer Lansky, the famous Misnag had nothing but scorn for the utter ignorance of Ultra Orthodox groups. “The Hassidim don't know the difference between Chlorine and Clorox, so the entire community suffers from extremely dry, irritated skin. If they can't figure that one out, what makes you think they have any idea what those red bumps are on the crotch of their favorite prostitute?”

The group Chabad Lubavitch also received special recognition for their special system of sending emissaries all over the globe. Aish HaTorah was also recognized for spreading a virulently racist ideology.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Vizhnitzer Rebbe announces “Our long national nightmare is over”

Vizhnitzer Rebbe announces “Our long national nightmare is over”

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

Following the announcement of President Elect Barack Obama, on January second, Mordechai Hager, The Rebbe of Vizhnitz-Monsey has announced that “Our long national nightmare is over.” In echoing the words of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, he invoked the feeling that eight years of fear about losing a Federal subsidy to kollel members everywhere has ended.

“For eight years we have seen benefits rolled back by not keeping up with inflation,” the Rebbe announced. “For the entire time of the Bush regime we have lived in fear of losing our government subsidies. Yeshivas suffer from lack of food stamps while the Zionists get the military support we deserve here in the US. Now with the Schvartza in the Ovaltine Office, we have no more fear, our long national nightmare is over.”

Reactions from his followers were mixed, and confusing.

“Oy is mir! Misphachasom V’lednick deh hoor is mein oshvat’chem!” One man in the minyan factory said. However, nobody has been able to translate this statement.

Other responses were clearer in language but just as obtuse in their meaning.

“I know what he said, but what it means in common terms is indelible, quite incredible! This is not even a reversal, it is more like a connection. Wait until I tell my cousin Faige,” Said Feige Sromlowicz of Monsey.

There was considerable outcry against this statement from the Satmar shtible around the corner. Although the prayer hall is a small outpost from the main Satmar groups in Williamsburg and Monroe, the counter reaction of the rebbe expressed shock at their reaction.

“Those anti-Zionist people are nuts, but anyone who thinks the Bush White House was bad for the illegal occupiers of Palestinian Land are confused,” Said Rabbi Tzvi Greystone of Monsey. “Under the Bush we have been blessed to see a holy expansion of the illegal settlements and the oppression of the rightful Palestinian residents of the land has been divinely inspired.”

In the aftermath of hearing this barrage of criticism from his neighbor and arch-rival, the Vizhnitzer Rebbe said “You know, he has a point.”

“This is all the fault of our living in a current society obsessed with secular happiness and pornography. We are the leadership and our job is to cow the followers with continual reminders of the Holocaust and other feel-bad exhortations. Saying the nightmare is over is wrong. The nightmare is always just beginning for a newly religious person somewhere,” Said Rabbi Naftali Reich of Dark Light Yeshiva in Monsey.

Hugh Hefner was unavailable for comment.