Rabbinical Council introduces new blessing for Themselves

Rabbinical Council introduces new blessing for Themselves

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

In a move the say the have calculated to increase honor for themselves, the members of theAgudath Israel Rabbinical board, the Motzes Gedolei Hatorah have introduced a new brocha into the public lexicon.

The blessing is hamotze gedolim min ha-am-haaretz and is calculated for ordinary humans and regular Jews to show the Motze board members the honor they deserve by reciting it when addressing one of the board members, or when board members enter the room, a spokesperson said.

“We’ve legislated informally for a long time that certain rabbis have achieved a level of recognition from the community that they deserve exceptional treatment. This will merely be a way to formally recognize the honor that we deserve as members,” said board chair Yaakov Perlow.

Other people have protested that Rabbis pretend that they are holy with black hats and long white beards but don’t deserve the honorary treatment that would accompany a rabbinically introduced brocha. Nonetheless, the board, claiming they are different, has downed the naysayers and started instituting the blessing.

Pundits and naysayers alike feel like this blessing should do nothing but good for the fundraising efforts of the board members since it will only increase the inferiority complex of people who come to speak to them and must kneel on one knee without bowing.

“We have started with a half folded laminated card that we will distribute as part of our next fundraising mailing and an awareness campaign in association with some of our subsidiary boards,” Said Rabbi Moshe Sherer, the late leader of Agudath Israel, as conjured in a séance by Rabbi Yaakov Perlow. “Since it isn't even me, but our deceased Torah sages, you can trust them more than me,” Perlow added.

Agudath Israel has already raised a million dollars from various donors to pay for advertising in all major Jewish areas and publication. In addition a corps of Lubavitcher kosher supervisors are being hired to escort the Gedolim everywhere, walk quiet and carry large sticks.

Although the thought of a swift whack seems repugnant to the typical person, a random interview of many men walking to work at the offices of B&H camera store received multiple confirmations that this would merely be a continuation of how they were treated as youths in their ultra-orthodox education up to the age of 19.

“As a continuation of the kiddusha of the rabbonim, it is my sincere hope and desire that this is also said for me soon,” Said Isaac Seanfeld, founder of the Vaad Hafotzas Chulent B'America. “I am sure that Shlomo would have the same thing said about him as well.”

Seanfeld went further to state that since Rabbis had taken over the tithing intended for the now defunct Temple in Jerusalem, he hoped to soon buy a home away from his current residence with his mother.

Marine Park Shul Prepares to accept new applications for club 612

Marine Park Shul Prepares to accept new applications for club 612

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

A shul in the Marine Park section of Brooklyn is opening its' own adjunct of a Brooklyn institution that has been around for generations, the famous club 612. As with religion and everything else, the Hasidim of Seagate and Borough Park bring further refinement to the world by introducing genetic counseling and a free loan club to your basic sex club orgy.

Called 612 because they exclude the commandment of adultery from the 613 commandments in the Torah, the group has very specific entry requirements for entry, including examination by a physician for diseases and donation of $20,000 to the free loan fund for members.

“We find that there are so many qualified applications from Marine Park that it is only natural that we extend membership to that area,” Said Nechiemia Waldmanstein, a founding member of the organization.

Other Hassidim had good things to say about the organization as well.

“There is such a lack of genetic diversity in the community, but also so much danger that our children will have Tay Sachs, or other genetic diseases, I find the groups policies to be such a source of comfort,” Said one man who would only be identified as Mordechai, son of David. “There is genetic counselingto say who can procreate with who and we strictly follow it,” he said

Membership includes several of the largest Rebbes in the area who saw the danger of sexual harassment lawsuits early on and opted for an organization that has a signed legal disclaimer up front.

“The Lubavitcher Rebbe might have gotten away with having a bed in his office on the pretense of studying Torah until very late at night but that only worked in the dark ages of litigation and would never pass muster today,” Said Rabbi Whore-a-wiyts, a big Talmud chachim and Jewish historian.

And others pro actively contradict some of the criticisms of the group.

“We are into fucking other mens wives only,” Said a big degenerate. “The group is mainly heterosexual. We excluded the Penislover Rebbe, whose yeshiva was closed because he used to fuck his students in the ass. I mean it is one thing to have a guy help you get ready for his wife, it is another thing to do it with another man to completion, although most of us tried at one point or another. But what are you supposed to do, when you're a fifteen-year-old boy in yeshiva with no relief in sight. As married men and leaders of congregations we don't have to live like that anymore,” Said rabbi Naftali Weiss, who has fathered over 40 children through the club outside of his wife.

And what of claims of religiousness?

“Most of us are officially atheists. As Hasidim we talk about God so much it becomes a meaningless abstraction anyhow,” Rabbi Weiss said. “It is so deeply ingrained in our culture that not believing has little to do with prayer or observance.”

Another kollel wife was also quick to defend the practices of club 612 as well as other afternoon activities of her and other wives.

“Sure it gets lonely when Moishe studies from 6 am to midnight. He's so religious he feels guilty about procreating, which is why I like to spend afternoons cuddling with Sarah next door. But Sarah won't give me more babies, will she?” Said Frummit Maklokes, an adjunct member of 612 whose husband has fathered two of their eight children.

Any walk down 15^th Avenue will show plenty of women walking together, if one knows what to look for, Mrs. Makklokes said. She said the opaque stockings and wigs are just a cover up for a promiscuous lifestyle. “If one knows what to look for, you can see who has been sleeping around. Just look for a wig that has the edge turned a little crooked showing they got dressed in no time flat, and you will have found yet another BP woman who has been taking in an afternoon delight” she said.