By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com
A group of Jewish matchmakers in
The organization, called Oyvei Hagefen, has been helping the grown up girls and boys of the Orthodox persuasion get hitched based on such love related topics as the type of hats they wear, or what brand of stockings the girls wear. Since such a superficial connection undoubtedly leads to divorce, it only makes sense to complete the cycle and profit from the second half of marriage, the split-up.
“We already got to know everything about them when we married them, their clothes, rabbi and prayer book they use. They pay us good money, but we are just not earning enough for those hotel vacations for our entire families,” Said Yehuddith Rustpig, an overweight pig and housewife who has spent the last ten years eating herself to death while coercing skinny young men to marry ugly fat single women on the basis of their wealthy father-in-laws to be. “Since the matchmaker already knows everything important to get a boy and a girl together, it should be easy for us to split them apart as well. We'll just say she got too fat during the marriage.”
“Often times a boy will want to keep his children so there will be enough government family aid so that he can keep warming a bench in Lakewood, or the wife will want to keep a small portion of her dowry so that we can help her remarry, and we are happy to accommodate that, we just increase our fee,” Rustpig said.
“The matchmaker isn't just a gossipy and pushy Jewish housewife,” Rustpig said. “She is a gossiping and pushy Jewish housewife who can earn more than $100,000 if she plays her cards right. After all, she is usually from a rabbinnical family and has been shown the inner Talmudic secrets of how to manipulate and harm people.”
Rustpig went further to explain how they will often coordinate with the rabbi of the newlywed couple to concoct supposed reasons the newlywed couple should not have sex. “Denying them intimacy for the majority of the first year increases misery and frustration, especially since they have never been allowed any emotional expression for 16 years of the repressive educational system.”
In the essential Haredi publication, the Jewish Oberver, Rabbi Nosson Wolpin explained how ordinary lay Jews are not allowed to know the rules and bylaws of marital purity, thus making them total passive slaves to the extortions of their rabbi. “Later on, they have years of experience and can guess when the rabbi is deviating from the law. But newlyweds? They are like lambs to slaughter.”
Not everyone was happy with the new system. Many rabbis expressed dismay that a revenue stream from mediating the unhappy marriage was being transferred from them to some shubby matchmaker so she could end it.
“For example, they are already miserable and fighting. Why don't I just ruin their lives for ten years when it is so easy,” Said Rabbi Lable Slander HaMalshin of Monsey. I do it enough to my yeshiva bochurs.