Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Postville Iowa Chulent and immigrants

Postville, Iowa Chulent Made from undocumented immigrants

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

Many complaints have come across the desk of kosher supervisors across the nation and across the world that chulent has not been tasting as good as it did in the past. After an extensive investigation, the nation's largest Kosher supervision organization has found the answer with the most shocking reasons. It is all tied to the arrest of Shalom Rubashkin and the kosher slaughterhouse in Postville, Iowa.

In a prison cell revelation, Shalom Rubaskin has revealed that he was using undocumented immigrants in the production of Rubaskins Chulent. Everyone knows he hired people without papers, but we are just discovering they were also the secret ingredient that made Rubashkins chulent the best of all brands available in the kosher grocery.

“Humans eat the finest staples of wheat, high fructose corn syrup and aspartame of any animal,” Rubashkin said. “We all learn in cheder [elementary school] how [gentiles] are not really human, lacking the highest part of the neshama (soul), and also human meat is fed the finest grain,” Rubashkin announced at a press conference held in the prison shower room at the point of a highly sharpened butter knife.

But he also offered the apology to “Vinny the knife”. “But I am sure you have a very nice soul and the Ribono shel olam has a place reserved for you in the front row of the world to come,” Rubashkin said. The whole event was caught on the security camera where the prison security officer captured it on the computer, and uploaded it to youtube.com under the screen name, Ny'sboldest.

A series of scientific studies carried out independently across the nation found that in older frozen chulent packages, indeed the hemoglobin on the meat was in fact of Hispanic origin with fat and lean muscle ratios consistent with a diet based on Mcdonald's and Pizza Hut. However it also discovered the more recent frozen chulent packages only contained the meat of animals like cows, chickens, cats dogs and pork.

The Kosher supervision body of note issued a ruling that since the delicious chulent was no longer available no further action was necessary. In a posthumous psak din, Rabbi Harold I Scharfman spoke from his grave in Los Angeles and said, “Human meat is more of a delicacy than monkey or Genie. Besides, this gives valuable employment opportunities to all the surplus populations around the world.”

Chabad makes special chulent

Chabad at 770 makes special chulent of people from all over the world

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Chulent is often considered the best stew on planet Earth. A mixture of beans and seasoning and meats, served piping hot, it is delicious. Everyone knows the Hassidic world has the best chulent to be found anywhere. Only recently have events in Postville, Iowa began to reveal why. Of course, the best chulent in all Hassidim is found in Crown Heights at the Rebbe's shul, 770 Eastern Parkway. Documents revealed during bankruptcy filings related to Chabad have finally revealed why having an international network can result in the best chulent ever made.

A higher up in the Chabad administration filed bankruptcy to avoid paying child support to his third wife and their twelve children and an astute lawyer was accidentally given access to records from his work where it was revealed Chabad was using it's international network of followers to recruit dedicated Lubvitchers from around the world to serve in the Rebbe's chulent as the most delectable ingredient.

“We sent emissaries to the third and fourth world where the people know human meat is the most delectable sustenance there is. It didn't take a lot of thinking to realize that we had an endless supply of people willing to do anything up to giving up their life for our religious fiction. It was a natural conclusion to include them in the meal,” Said Moshe Hertz, a senior handler for guests to Crown Heights.

Documents reveal extensive communications between employees in Brooklyn and the thousands of Chabad houses around the world coordinating who has their papers in order before travelling to Brooklyn, and who has not yet written Chabad-Lubavitch into their will yet. Emissaries make sure the person will not be missed and around suspicion before allowing them to visit New York and make the ultimate sacrifice for the Rebbe.

“When the rebbe took over Chabad he was worth $10 million. With his business acumen he realized every emissaries sent out sent back ten times as much as he cost and the rebbe died with a net worth of $500 million,” Hertz said. “What makes you think the apparatchiks in Crown Heights limited themselves to the luxuries money can buy?”

As further proof, Hertz, brought up the movie, Sweeny Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, where a restauranteur became immensely wealthy by serving up the most delicious pies, fully of the best meat available to man, human meat.

Isaac Schonfeld, a Lubavitcher living in Boro Park has hosted a Chulent party every Thursday for the past ten years, a place where people stay up until sunrise drinking and smoking their way to varying parts of oblivion. However his Chulent has no meat.

“We are dealing with a varying crowd and it is highly likely someone would leave my party and drink milk after eating chulent, so we don't use any meat at the Chulent party,” He said.

This was in contradiction of a ruling handed down by the Rosh Yeshiva Aaron Kotler, at Bais Midrash Jehovia, in Lakewood, New Jersey.

“Deorisa [from the Torah], human meat is not meat, it is not necessary to wait 3 minutes before having milk. However if it is in a chulent there is a possibility a person might confuse it with meat from a cow or pig,so it is necessary to wait, but only as a fence around the laws, not as a law itself,” Kotler said.

Hertz was dismissive, saying Schonfeld didn't have a very large fan base yet. “Just joining in with Chabad Lubavitch gives rabbis a connection to an already built fan base of millions. We are the single largest Jewish organization in the world, with followers to spare. With all these extra people to waste, we do.”