Monday, November 5, 2007

Mikveh Protest Arouses riots from thousands in Burro Park

Mikveh Protest Arouses riots from thousands in Burro Park

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

A protest last Wednesday by single Jewish men outside a Boro Park mikveh attracted hundreds of protestors and thousands of counter protesters and raised fear in the Charedi community of married men.

The single men were angry and protesting that the Orthodox Community doesn't allow dating and was refusing to help them get married, raising massive fear from the married men that their wives would not have sex with them in sympathy to the protestors because Orthodox Jewish law considers them filthy until they complete the required immersion in the ritual bath, or mikveh.

In a manner reminiscent of Christian groups that block access to abortion clinics, the protesting single men formed a human chain across the women's mikvah while chanting, “If we can't get any then you can't either!”

The married men were afraid the women would continue to avoid sex more than they already do in sympathy, when they would be unable to copulate with their husbands or other Jewish lovers.

“Why should my wife continue fucking our Shabbes goy but not me just because of a few stupid single men? If they can't get wealthy parents why should they even want to get married?” some of the counter protesters said.

The single men carried signs protesting shaddchan practices with slogans like “Can't anyone else get pussy without being wealthy first?” or “Can't we all just get it on?”

Meanwhile the married men were also in uproar and had signs that said things like: “I only get laid one week a month and you are going to take another day away from me?”

The protest was organized by Rabbi Moshe Gelbert of Midwood, a sextant in a midtown synagogue. Between chain and chain smoking cigarettes and screaming in the face of everyone he calmly explained how he was screwed over in the marriage game by an unscrupulous loblolly matchmaker, as were many of his friends.

“This protest is for every Jewish boy who suffered for years only to find he wasn't wealthy enough for the rabbis to help him marry.

Notably absent was Chananya Weissman, the Orthodox rabbi behind a different group protesting the same situation. He issued a press releaase on his website, stating that although he has written and spoken very forcefully on the issues, he couldn't agree with a protest staged by reform Jews.

He gave no indication where he got the idea this was a protest of Reform Jews, a claim strongly disputed by every protester present.

“We don't even have a single kippah seruggah, here” said Gelbert, the groups organizer. However, a survey of the crowds revealed a dozen faces from the colloquium that Weissman held in Midwood during the winter of 2004.

Also present was MTV rock star and Chabad faceman Matisyahu, who managed to give a relevant Dvar torah in Broken Yiddish, despite having grown up a full-on secular American.

“He's progressing on the way to being an FFB very quickly,” said Moshe Grunfield of Crown Heights.

Matisyahu said “It says in parshas Mispotim that the early Israelite men were led astray by the Midianite women. But how can the Hassidic boys of Borro Park be led astray if they can't even attend my concerts to meet women?

“It is bad enough being a yeshiva bachur and your only relief comes from another bachur in the mens mikveh, but with no marriage in sight this is getting ridiculous. Doesn't happiness count anymore?” he said.