Saturday, March 24, 2007

Shlomo Carlebach declared first person resuscitated, Chabad concedes

Shlomo Carlebach declared first person resuscitated, Chabad concedes

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

In a turn of events that many call amazing, the Hassidic group, Chabad Lubovitch of Crown Heights has conceded to the members of the Carelbach Shul of Manhattan that it is possible that the first person brought back to life when the messiah comes will actually be Rabbi Schlomo Carlebach and not Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson of Crown Heights, Brooklyn, as they had previously claimed.

The unprecedented announcement came at the end of an all-night debate at the board meeting of the Motzes Gedolei Ha Torah, the ultra-orthodox organizing body founded by the Novominsker Rebbe in 1912. Originally it was supposed to be the quarterly board meeting but when a challenge came up, the answer came back from Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, the meeting chairman that the doors should be locked and nobody could leave until the question be settled for once and for all.

Even though the Lubovitchers are the single largest Hassidic group with more than a million members worldwide, the final decision came to a simple technicality on which neighborhood would be called “Ir Hacodesh,” or in English, the holy city, “which anyone could clearly see is Manhattan and not Brooklyn,” said Rabbi Moshe Sherer, president of the Agudath organization. Even more confusing was that Rabbi Sherer died on May 20 of 1998.

“We had to break out the Ouija Board to come to the final solution,” said Yaakov Perlow, current president. “It was tough getting everyones’ hands on the board amidst all the fighting but it happened.”

“This only proves that Shlomo Carlebach brough many people back to the Torah and his reward is to sing to all the Yidden as they roll in the ground back to Jerusalem,” said Rabbi Naftali Citron of the Carelbach Shul. “His style of prayer has become a worldwide standard and made it possible for many more to enjoy and participate.” This comment was thought to be in reference to the theory that all the dead people would roll from wherever they are to Jerusalem to be resuscitated.

In opposition the Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Kazen, founder of said that “Carlebach was a nothing who died a pauper in comparision to the Lubavitcher Rebbe who sent schnorers all over the world who collected so much that the rebbe was worth more than $450 million when he died in 1993. Well, he didn't really die, he actually went into hiding.”

The decision is not considered a loss for lubavitch in anyway, according to a current lubavitcher leader,”Since the decision said very little about who gets to be the messiah once the two men are back. And we who live in Crown Heights have total faith that our founder, leader and lord will be our strength and leader in the next world,” said Chabad founder Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, as conjured by Rabbi Ariel Sokolovsky, founder of the RebbeGod blog. Rabbi Sokolovsky believes the Rebbe should be reffered to by the 26 letter name usually reserved for God himself.

“The debate of who would be the messiah has plagued the Jewish people for many many years. Every time something bad happens, everyone moans that this is the sign he is coming. I had a lot of pressure beind the scenes to bring some sort of conclusion to the war between these two most powerful and faithful groups. It doesn't really matter who if they could just stop scuffling,” Rabbi Perlow said.
After the decision was announced, there was some discussion of a nevua, or prophecy that said this might happen from one of the Lubavitcher followers.

“It was just like when the Alter Rebbe passed the mantel on to his son-in-law, there was a nevua then too, and everyone had to follow it,” Said Menachem Mendel Schneur Shem Tuv, a Chasiddic follower of the Rebbe.

Rabbi Abe Xylum, who has been around both groups for years said he was somewhat shocked that there would be a disagreement.

“Sure, the Lube jobs have brawls in their headquarters all the time. People watch it on their web cams. But Carlebach? That shuls most distinguishing characteristic is being the only weekday minyan that has every single adult male there saying kaddish. I wouldn't have think the stock brokers on the West Side would care that much. More power to them for the peaceful settlement,” he said.

The decision and peaceful conclusion has many ramifications besides just the cultural decision from the group. The Agudah is going to be administrating an educational trust to be paid for by the Stockbrokers from the Carlebach shul. The Carlebach Yartzheit Educational fund will be exclusively to pay for Chabad kids throughout the world.

Another point in the decision was that Carlebach was originally doing his kiruv work with Chabad and learned to do outreach from Rabbi Schneerson himself.

“This is also funny, since most Chabadniks take the success of Carlebach as an effront since he was originally working with the Lubavitcher Rabbi and not against him. I mean he was happy in Crown Heights until the Rebbe said he had to stop sleeping with all the young chicks throwing themselves at him. He was originally learning in Lakewood, but what has lakewood done, ever? It is the endless trap of the Torah student. They go in and never leave,” Rabbi Xylum said.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Monsey Rabbi starts organization for extramarital hookers

Monsey Rabbi starts organization for extramarital hookers

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to

In a move to pull an outdated legalistic society into the modern age while, Rabbi Leible Tropper of Monsey, New York has started a new organization called Eternal Jewish Pelegish, aimed at encouraging more Jewish men to take on additional sex partners in addition to their wife.

“Everyone already knows this sort of thing is common, but we want tit in the context of a legal commitment. We also want to have a slice of the money by charging men for the legal accouterments of the hoes, things like handwritten contracts on fine lambskin parchment and mikveh visits,” Tropper declared at a fundraising dinner where he announced the plan. The dinner attracted over 170 rabbis of various denominations.

There may be a lambskin document, but this is not a place for a lambskin condom, Tropper said.

“We need a greater growth rate than a mere 12 children per family, and this will allow our breadwinners to have at least 24 children for each baal habas, think of the miser from all those followers, I am almost cumming in my bekisheh at the thought,” Tropper said.

The problem is that a conversion of a non-Jewish spouse can take ten years or more and some rabbis will never give a non-Jewish spouse a conversion. He then gave the Url of a web site, as a place for further information.

According to the site, Tropper and his organization have established seven rabbinical courts across the nation catering to the frum-sex and frum-group-sex crowds., and they are in the process of establishing more.

By standardizing the pilegesh process, Eternal Jewish Family hopes to lure in mixed couples that vow to adhere to Orthodoxy said Rabbi Marvin Jacobs, conference and fundraising chair.

“We don't let any boys in the yeshiva date until we are convinced they can keep their stupid mouths shut, so that I know they won't tell anyone about having sex on the side when they are bored with their first baby popper, er wife. Just like my wife doesn't know about me and our cute Russian housekeeper,” Tropper said. “Oops,” he added.

Many graduates of his yeshiva know that the celibacy enforced on bachurim is well worth it and that the sex fest begins after sheva brachos ends.

“Didn't you ever wonder why women aren't allowed to talk in the mikveh? It is so they won't ask who all the strange visitors are that they don't recognize. We really run an orderly system in Monsey,” Tropper said.

Vaad of Flatbush places all BTs in Cherem

Vaad of Flatbush places all BTs in Cherem

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to

The Vaad harabbonim of Flatbush has declared cherem on all Baal T’shuva Jews, in a move reminiscent of The Vilna Gaon’s declaration of excommunication on practicing Hassidus.
The ruling declares that anyone who can’t prove at least 15 years of continuous observance is now expelled from the Jewish community and cannot be called to the Toireh or to witness marriages or rabbinical courts. It does not differentiate between the alleged distinction of people born into the religion and those who became religious of their own decision as adults. Instead the focus is on weeding out anyone who isn't toting the rabbinical line of chumra.

“We have had enough of people going on and off the derech and bringing the shmutz of the outside world back into our synagogues. If you haven’t been with us continuously for the last fifteen years, we don’t want you anymore. If anyone is going to take gods name in vain, it is going to be me,” Said Rabbi Yosef Eisen, head of Kosher Supervision for the 5 towns of long Island.

Although widely proclaimed as just what the religion needs to pep things up a bit, others have been less enthusiastic, claiming the decision would make it the religion of old men with gray beards. Others claim that has already happened.

“Fifteen years ago most of my followers were celebrating Christmas and didn’t yet know they could give me money instead,” Said Rebbitzen Ester Jungereis, founder and principal beneficiary of Hineni Heritage Center on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. “With no followers, how I am supposed to pay the mortgage on a luxurious brownstone on the Upper West Side as well as my home in the Five Towns of Long Island?”

Sources confirm that financial modeling was not conducted prior to the gezera and that the impact on revenues could be much greater than originally projected. In a confidential confession, one accountant for a major organization declared “We had no idea how compromised the yechus of our followers was until we started looking objectively. We may have to let go of a few of our rabbis, even ones who have stayed on the derech. This is a major deal. It is almost as if no human could actually live up to even a small percentage of all chumras and halachas.”

Another organization said they were simply shifting their affiliation but continuing to work with the new untouchables of the Orthodox Jewish world.

“Newly Jewish people are our bread and butter. We could never let their revenue stream move elsewhere,” Said Rabbi Mark Wildes, founder of the Manhattan Jewish Experience. “Instead we are going to affiliate with the halachically responsible arm of the Jewish Theological Seminary. We already pretend to dress like conservative rabbis anyhow.”