Seminary to offer child molester certification for rabbis
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com
“We want our kids to have the same upbringing we did,” Said Moshe Karliner-Stanislov, a parent attending the PTA at a local yeshiva school. The parents were quite clear about wanting their Jewish traditions continued at a recent ceremony in the
“Unfortunately, pedophilia has been going on as long as society has been around,” said Goldie Rosenberg, a social worker for a Satmar school. “This certification is a great step in the right direction.
The head director of Torah Vodas, Rabbi Yisroel Belsky, gave the address outlining the unofficial school position and why they were offering the endorsement.
“Many of the adults who graduated from this school have fond memories of a Rebbe or teacher who took them aside and showed them the secrets of this world as taken from the holy Shaas and they want that same advantage to their kids,” he said. “By offering a certification in regards to pedophilia, we can ensure everyone learns about sexual interactions at an early age and under proper supervision with their rebbe,” he said.
Another parent also relayed his own fond memories of Rabbi Belsky offering him a ride home and then taking him to the house of Rabbi Yehudda Kolko from nearby Yeshiva Torah Temimah for a little rabbinical-three-way sex.
“That day was the start of my life and the preparation I need for my Bar Mitzvah. It set me up for a lifetime of internal conflict which gave explosion to my book about chronic masturbation and made me a millionaire. If it weren't for my emotional problems I would not be the celebrity I am today,” said visiting Jewish writer Philip Roth.
An upcoming graduate of the ordination program gave a valedictorian where he went in depth with an explaining about the new outreach yeshivas and Chabad being very persistent in encouraging their students to go to the mikveh for spiritual purification.
“You know they discovered that old adage about the mivkeh being where all the dicks and assholes hang out when he limps into Kablat Shabbat during Lecha Dodi while holding his rear end and grimacing. They will never leave the religion at that point, and then they can start in on bulimia,” Said Rabbi Levi Kranz.
“The only thing that can make a man more dedicated, is an adult convert who has a bris with metzizah b'peh as an adult,” Said Kranz, in reference to a controversial form of child abuse that involves a rabbi putting his mouth on the penis of a newborn, that is sometimes done in a prayer hall, and sometimes in privacy in the rabbis study.
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