Chabad-Lubavitch declares crisis as kollel numbers insufficient for coming crisis
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com
A recent business analysis from the department of finance and acquisitions has place the entire Lubavitch community into a crisis as forecasts predict a shortage of available labor, thus endangering the entire organization.
The crisis began when a middle management bean counter came to the realization that the organization lacked sufficient reserves of employees for a high attrition role, and faced an inability to staff the money gathering positions around the globe in 2012.
Accountant-business manager and mathematician Paul Erdish saw a movie motze Shabbos kodesh parshas Leviticus and was shocked at the historical cataclysms predicted for the year 2012 and realized the organization was insufficiently prepared for the coming catastrophes that are the hallmark of the rebirth pains of the messiah.
Combining an old Christian theory that the messiah will come amongst great tragedy for the followers, and the Lubavitch theorem about Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson coming back to life as the Messiah at the apex of the Mayan Calendar predicting the end of the world in 2012, the idea spread through Crown Heights like wildfire. Even Rabbi Shalom Auslander agreed that when the world is reborn it, a larger number emissaries are necessary for ensuring enough survived to continue raising money after the recreation of society.
“The Rebbe went from a net worth of $10 million to more than $500 million when he realized each emissary sent back ten times the cost of setting him up in business. If we went public, Chabad-Lubavitch has a market valuation of $2 Billion. We need more emissaries carrying our message so that when civilization is eradicated, the primitive man that survives will know that one man was born, killed and after three days rose to heaven. They may get the name wrong or make a pagan religion out of it but the recreation of civilization will know the Messiah came, left and shall return,” Erdish said.
Part of the problem Auslander said, was documented in the book, The Rebbe, The Moshiach and the Plight of Orthodox Indiference. By David Berger. “We all know there are not enough people crazy enough to believe our system and sober enough to serve as believable clergy in the Christian sense of the word. This is a serious crisis, we must begin dispensing Prozac and finishing classes to our followers as soon as possible,” Auslander said.
“The famous quote in the Zohar teaches us many people will die at the end and we must prepare to sacrifice ourselves so our ideas can be perpetuated,even if it means the end of our religions,” said Rabbi Shalom Keller from his pulpit in the Australian Outback, as quoted in the latest issues of Emissary news.
“Most business models stress the important of running a lean operation but having amble back up for critical operations. The early sailing ships had twice as many sailors as needed to compensate for the high rate of attrition. Sure they sat around drunk, but the toughest ones got rich doing it,” Keller said.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Square Rebbe declares war of terror on nonbelievers, converts mikveh to zyklon b gas chambers
Square Rebbe declares war of terror on nonbelievers, converts mikveh to zyklon b gas chambers
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com
The patriarch of the Hasidic community in New Square, Rabbi David Twesky has announced a new “War of Terror” against all non-believers who dare to give tithe to shuls other than his own and lethally condemned all Jewish people who pray at other synagogues outside of New Square. As part of the plan he is inviting all people from other area synagogues to come pray at his synagogue and use the New Square Mikvah before, while carefully converting the world-class bathing operation into a gas chamber featuring Zyklon B gas and using the nearby bakery ovens to reduce human remains to ashes.
The news announcement comes after a disturbing incident where a follower, Shaul Spitzer, acting on his own, but with implicit direction from the rebbe, caused burns on 50 percent of the body of Aron Rottenberg, a New Square resident and follower of the Rebbe who had been praying at a different synagogue for well over two weeks.
“I was just trying out something new, and now this,” Said Rottenberg. “I heard about this thing called Modernish Orthodox where people look more American and there was one just down the street. I merely wanted to see if they read from the same Torah as the Square Hassidim.”
According to the Grand Rebbe, this type of insubordination is totally unacceptable. In words echoing the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Long like the King Messiah, every man should think of his Rebbe as the King Messiah, and thus blindly obey.
“This mans presence at another shul show unwanted individual thinking, thus obviating the need for a trial,” Twersky said. “Following the lead of Presidents Bush, Obama and Der Furher, we tried him in absentia, convicted him, and sent a man to burn his house down, forcing him to move. Carrying the sentence out on his person was a unfortunate misdirection, but a result I am fully comfortable with.”
The trial and sentence were carried out by the Brown Shirts of New Square, often called Jihadists by the compassionate and loving members who welcome everyone with open arms and are never harsh or cruel with anyone.
“I think the guy had it coming, associating with Misnagdim, the historical enemy of the Heimish Frum world is verboten,” said Mendel Berger, a community leader and top scoring jihadist. He has presided over the largest number of attacks on infidels of any Squarer Hassidim.
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com
The patriarch of the Hasidic community in New Square, Rabbi David Twesky has announced a new “War of Terror” against all non-believers who dare to give tithe to shuls other than his own and lethally condemned all Jewish people who pray at other synagogues outside of New Square. As part of the plan he is inviting all people from other area synagogues to come pray at his synagogue and use the New Square Mikvah before, while carefully converting the world-class bathing operation into a gas chamber featuring Zyklon B gas and using the nearby bakery ovens to reduce human remains to ashes.
The news announcement comes after a disturbing incident where a follower, Shaul Spitzer, acting on his own, but with implicit direction from the rebbe, caused burns on 50 percent of the body of Aron Rottenberg, a New Square resident and follower of the Rebbe who had been praying at a different synagogue for well over two weeks.
“I was just trying out something new, and now this,” Said Rottenberg. “I heard about this thing called Modernish Orthodox where people look more American and there was one just down the street. I merely wanted to see if they read from the same Torah as the Square Hassidim.”
According to the Grand Rebbe, this type of insubordination is totally unacceptable. In words echoing the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Long like the King Messiah, every man should think of his Rebbe as the King Messiah, and thus blindly obey.
“This mans presence at another shul show unwanted individual thinking, thus obviating the need for a trial,” Twersky said. “Following the lead of Presidents Bush, Obama and Der Furher, we tried him in absentia, convicted him, and sent a man to burn his house down, forcing him to move. Carrying the sentence out on his person was a unfortunate misdirection, but a result I am fully comfortable with.”
The trial and sentence were carried out by the Brown Shirts of New Square, often called Jihadists by the compassionate and loving members who welcome everyone with open arms and are never harsh or cruel with anyone.
“I think the guy had it coming, associating with Misnagdim, the historical enemy of the Heimish Frum world is verboten,” said Mendel Berger, a community leader and top scoring jihadist. He has presided over the largest number of attacks on infidels of any Squarer Hassidim.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Chabad-Lubavitch wins award from Amway
Chabad-Lubavitch wins award from Amway
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com
During the 2010 annual Awards dinner banquet at the Amway world headquarters in Ada, Michigan, there was a unique form of recognition given to Chabad-Lubavitch for their expansive international network. Jay Andel and Rich Devos got up in front of the crowd and declared their envy of the international Hassidic organization.
“We're rich, but they are rich and tax exempt. One day Amway will be up there with Scientology and Chabad,” Devos said. “Until then we use our tax havens, pay our taxes and get our customers to work for us as much as possible. But there is so much Amway could learn from this organization.”
A Shaliach, or emissary of the deceased rebbe was on hand to give an eloquent acceptance speech and ask for Amway members to think about Chabad-Lubavitch in their last will and testament and consider making their tithing to the organization.
“We don't ask for much, ten percent of your post tax, post cost of living expenses would not tax most people. We make it sound easy so that even people who are poor can donate and all those poor people eventually add up to as much as half of the donations of one rich person. Plus they all turn into sales people on their own right. This is a lesson Amway could learn from the occult,” Said Rabbi Shalom Ber Liberow, from Chabad of Western Michigan.
In an attempt to cudgel more donations, Rabbi Yosef Weingarten spiked the punch with pure grain alcohol, saying, “It worked with the college kids. Why not with these schmucks?” In his talk he motivated the sellers at Amway by sharing some of the techniques used by Chabad.
“Begin by catching people off guard and finding their weaknesses and then use that to manipulate the crowd. Usually they will be afraid of security for the future. Then you tell them how your product can solve that problem best. I always tell people why worry about retirement when they have no place in the imaginary world that doesn't exist? Then I promise them a seat with the dead guy upstairs! All for a low, low price.”
Then Andel, compared the techniques favorable to Amway motivational pamphlet #17-879.3, becoming your own best customer, page 447, where it says, “basically the same thing, except for the part about dosing your unsuspecting customer with large amounts of vodka.”
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com
During the 2010 annual Awards dinner banquet at the Amway world headquarters in Ada, Michigan, there was a unique form of recognition given to Chabad-Lubavitch for their expansive international network. Jay Andel and Rich Devos got up in front of the crowd and declared their envy of the international Hassidic organization.
“We're rich, but they are rich and tax exempt. One day Amway will be up there with Scientology and Chabad,” Devos said. “Until then we use our tax havens, pay our taxes and get our customers to work for us as much as possible. But there is so much Amway could learn from this organization.”
A Shaliach, or emissary of the deceased rebbe was on hand to give an eloquent acceptance speech and ask for Amway members to think about Chabad-Lubavitch in their last will and testament and consider making their tithing to the organization.
“We don't ask for much, ten percent of your post tax, post cost of living expenses would not tax most people. We make it sound easy so that even people who are poor can donate and all those poor people eventually add up to as much as half of the donations of one rich person. Plus they all turn into sales people on their own right. This is a lesson Amway could learn from the occult,” Said Rabbi Shalom Ber Liberow, from Chabad of Western Michigan.
In an attempt to cudgel more donations, Rabbi Yosef Weingarten spiked the punch with pure grain alcohol, saying, “It worked with the college kids. Why not with these schmucks?” In his talk he motivated the sellers at Amway by sharing some of the techniques used by Chabad.
“Begin by catching people off guard and finding their weaknesses and then use that to manipulate the crowd. Usually they will be afraid of security for the future. Then you tell them how your product can solve that problem best. I always tell people why worry about retirement when they have no place in the imaginary world that doesn't exist? Then I promise them a seat with the dead guy upstairs! All for a low, low price.”
Then Andel, compared the techniques favorable to Amway motivational pamphlet #17-879.3, becoming your own best customer, page 447, where it says, “basically the same thing, except for the part about dosing your unsuspecting customer with large amounts of vodka.”
Jewish group announces new organization, National Alliance for the Mentally Well
Jewish group announces new organization, National Alliance for the Mentally Well
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com
The patriarch of the Monsey Community Outreach announced today that a new organization was afoot in Monsey and soon the world would be worshiping at the feet of Jews while they studied Talmud and the Messiah arrived. The National Alliance for the Mentally Well was announced by Mendel Hoffman Tuesday as a new support organization designed to bolster Orthodox influence while taking all the money intended to help sick people nationwide.
The new organization, patterned after the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, has a uniquely Jewish twist, because it is not designed to help people, only to collect money.
“We know that society at large suffers from the mental illness called secularism, and the religious life is the only way. Besides the religion is oppressive enough that most of us suffer from symptoms of PTSD, OCD and depression,” Hoffman said.
“We got all the school vouchers for the New York City. All. 100 percent. Now, we are taking the other money and putting it to use, lining the pockets of the rabbinate of Monsey!” Hoffman gleefully announced to the deafening cheers of a crowd of thousands of Hassidim and Ultra-Orthodox at a collaborative press release and sium in the Rockland county park.
As part of the celebration, the held during the three weeks of summer when the Orthodox are not allowed to eat meat, announcements were made, three old men held a celebration for completing the reading of a tractate of Mishnah and two thousand people ate free barbecue and drank beer in the summer heat. Monsey Community Outreach footed the bill with money allocated for helping adults with Downs Syndrome live independently.
“Even the name is a joke on the goyim,” Hoffman said, “Since everybody knows being frum causes mental illness. Where else can you find such a large group of people all afflicted with PTSD from childhood parental neglect and childhood sexual molestation, OCD from years of obsessing about molecules, contradictory kosher laws and a restrictive lifestyle that doesn't allow for basic health measures, any physical activity, freedom or happiness?”
“The funniest part, for us rabbis,” Hoffman said, “is we know the rules are a joke and we watch our Mexican caterers carry unboiled wine and bless Jesus while they pour a bracha for unsuspecting Hasidim. Then we laugh our ass off. This distresses our followers who then come to us with money, seeking a way to feel better.”
“Now we have an organization to help us use these people to defraud the government through this organization, even while we still collect tithing from them,” Hoffman said. “We already have tons of downs babies and that is a major source of wealth flowing into the community. Now we can start collecting on behalf of healthy normal-ish people as well.”
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com
The patriarch of the Monsey Community Outreach announced today that a new organization was afoot in Monsey and soon the world would be worshiping at the feet of Jews while they studied Talmud and the Messiah arrived. The National Alliance for the Mentally Well was announced by Mendel Hoffman Tuesday as a new support organization designed to bolster Orthodox influence while taking all the money intended to help sick people nationwide.
The new organization, patterned after the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, has a uniquely Jewish twist, because it is not designed to help people, only to collect money.
“We know that society at large suffers from the mental illness called secularism, and the religious life is the only way. Besides the religion is oppressive enough that most of us suffer from symptoms of PTSD, OCD and depression,” Hoffman said.
“We got all the school vouchers for the New York City. All. 100 percent. Now, we are taking the other money and putting it to use, lining the pockets of the rabbinate of Monsey!” Hoffman gleefully announced to the deafening cheers of a crowd of thousands of Hassidim and Ultra-Orthodox at a collaborative press release and sium in the Rockland county park.
As part of the celebration, the held during the three weeks of summer when the Orthodox are not allowed to eat meat, announcements were made, three old men held a celebration for completing the reading of a tractate of Mishnah and two thousand people ate free barbecue and drank beer in the summer heat. Monsey Community Outreach footed the bill with money allocated for helping adults with Downs Syndrome live independently.
“Even the name is a joke on the goyim,” Hoffman said, “Since everybody knows being frum causes mental illness. Where else can you find such a large group of people all afflicted with PTSD from childhood parental neglect and childhood sexual molestation, OCD from years of obsessing about molecules, contradictory kosher laws and a restrictive lifestyle that doesn't allow for basic health measures, any physical activity, freedom or happiness?”
“The funniest part, for us rabbis,” Hoffman said, “is we know the rules are a joke and we watch our Mexican caterers carry unboiled wine and bless Jesus while they pour a bracha for unsuspecting Hasidim. Then we laugh our ass off. This distresses our followers who then come to us with money, seeking a way to feel better.”
“Now we have an organization to help us use these people to defraud the government through this organization, even while we still collect tithing from them,” Hoffman said. “We already have tons of downs babies and that is a major source of wealth flowing into the community. Now we can start collecting on behalf of healthy normal-ish people as well.”
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