Yeshiva to benefit Typhoon victims in Malaysia by helping themselves

Yeshiva to benefit Typhoon victims in Malaysia by helping themselves

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to MeshumadMeshuback.blogspot.com

In an attempt to alleviate the suffering in the aftermath of the largest tropical typhoon in history, the rabbis at Ohr somayach in Monsey are planning to buy a dozen houses for their children.

"In an attempt to reduce suffering in Malaysia, we agree to recite poems from the book of Psalms in unison with more than 100 students and complete study on a section from the Talmud that we are already studying anyways and we will assign all heavenly benefit from this activity to the people wrecked by disaster if we raise a million dollars," Said Rabbi Avrohom Braun, dean of students for the institution.

While there was an uproar of criticism from many circles for the cynicism of doing nothing while talking about how much they care, the defense of the top wise man at Ohr Somayach was able to quell the murmuring crowds.

Rabbi Simcha Schorr, the top, and only Yiddish lecturer at Ohr Somayach, and son of the actually famous Rabbi Gedalia Schorr presented his analysis to much applause.

"We all have a crop of children coming to marriageable age (the inner circle of rabbis at Ohr Somayach) and we need to buy them houses and set up their trust funds. The guilt our wealthy followers feel over the suffering couldn't come at a better time. This is no different than every year we prevent our check slaves from going to the Salute to Israel Day Parade by hosting a special day of learning. Instead of having fun they tithe and we get rich, this is how we think it should be," he said.

The rabbis at Ohr Somayach are not the only rabbis committing this type of fraud. Almost every synagogue in Monsey has a rabbi who has raise worth in the millions of dollars by asking his impoverished followers for "charity."

Although questionable, this ploy is perfectly legal since the yeshiva fraud is couched in convoluted rationalization, said area legal expert, Duvid Kaetz, Esq. "Take for example, my legal collections business. Through ploy and innuendo, I get people to pay. In turn the synagogue got me to pay out equally large sums. My rabbi is rich and I'm still not popular," He said.

Chabad-Lubavitch declares Communism role model

Chabad-Lubavitch declares Communism role model and sets minimum tithing and income for all true believers

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

The Rebbe grew up under communism and hated it, said it was oppressive. But, he went on to recreate the same organizational structure, but with him in control. Now, the Chabad bureaucracy is operated by a committee of aparatachiks in Crown Heights who have begun to openly embrace communism as the existing system for Chabad houses all over the world.

“The Communists in the Soviet Union made everyone act like they were happy about the leadership or else they put them in a gulag and worked them to death. This seemed to work well, so we convince people to attend our "houses" and then milk our followers until they are bankrupt at threat of cutting them off from their friends, community and way of life. When confronted with a contrived spiritual death, they find a way to pay more. What is the difference?” Said Chabad chief rabbi, Moshe Lehrman.

In addition to taking tithing from foolish people all over the globe, the money is then sent out to hangers on in Crown Heights and Rabbis all over the world in the form of a guaranteed income for all party members and aparatachiks.

When a newly minted emissary is sent off into the world he gets a subsistence funding to get a house, another house for his residence, and orders to start going through local residents until he finds people he can take advantage of. The good ones wind up owning mansions, and very wealthy, sometimes in the most unexpected places. Others have no character and struggle their whole lives. But at least they are there, said Avi Herman Cohen, the third assistant director of friends for emissaries in Brooklyn. "Look at me, all I do is arrange friends for the people working for the directors of the emissaries and I am making good money!" He said.

Aish to produce new film series called Insipid

Aish to produce new film series called Insipid

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to http://meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

The famous outreach machine of Rabbi Noah Weinberg is at it again, but this time with a fresh new approach that even has some of their critics smiling and supporting them. The folks at Aish are making yet another movie, titled 'Insipid.' The approach is time tried and true, try and sucker in the worrried well-to-do with an movie that helps them to feel at home with their fabulous wealth while simultaneously addressing their gut with feelings of guilt by saying the problem is they are not religious enough.

“The people love it because it takes their guilt off their tremendous wealth, and they pay us handsomely for the service, while we enslave them to obedience of us,” Said Rabbi Chaim Sampson, director of outreach and Scientology at the Upper West Side center. “Scientology uses a cross in their symbolism, thus making a huge gaping hole for us to take advantage of wealthy Jews who are averse to symbolism that involves a Cross.”

While their previous movies have exclusively shown people who were financially advantaged and implied that the normal culmination of that lifestyle is adopting the Aish rabbis as beneficiaries of their largess, the movie still managed to offend the people of Lakewood and Williamsburg with a portrayal of a married woman who makes a decision about her own life.

“Women should be barefoot and pregnant, popping babies for the rebbe, not sipping a latte while reading a book from Aish,” said Rabbi Aron Kotler, founder of Yeshiva Bath Medrash Jehova in Lakewood, NJ. “We resent any depiction of a woman making a decision, even if she is in a wig and a dress.”

Other critics say the new outreach program could be even worse, according to a marketing analysis by Aish.

“We target people financially advantaged enough to help us, so we portray the millionaire lifestyle as normal, same as advertisers on television shows like, Friends or LA Law. But now we are competing in a much more difficult market that has the rest of America in a severe decline. This is not going back to the golden age of mass marketing. This is the most challenging sales job in the history of Judaism.

The film, titled insipid, will portray mouth breathing morons who can think of nothing more fun than sittng in a dark, cold room eating raw food.

New signs in Meah Shaarim Deplore Work Ethic

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In light of removing the kollel exemption from the Israeli army draft, new signs have been posted at the entrance to the gated community in front of the Jersualem neighborhood of Meah Shaarim and their anti-work statements have been causing quite a stir.

The neighborhood was already famous for signs requesting that women wear a restrictive dress code and asking that no tourist groups come through, now they have signs in German declaring studying Torah makes a person observant while work makes people leave religion.

In a large metal letters on an arch across all entrances to the gated city are the German words, “Arbeit macht frei, Kollel mact frum.” The first half of that phrase was famously posted over the entrance to Nazi Labor internment camps during the 1930's and 1940's to make the gay, Gypsy, Jewish, and Communist people inside work even harder. However, residents of Meah Shaarim say they saw they have reclaimed and revitalized the phrase.

“I have never worked a day in my life and I don’t want my children to either. The only thing is the study of Torah,” said Rabbi Alter Klein of Meah Shaarim. “Working at a job is a sign of secularism and leads people off the path of study,” he said. "Besides, Moshiach is coming, and then all true Jews will be studying Torah while the goyim and fake Jews wait on us hand and foot. I know so because my Kiruv teacher taught me."

Many of the so called "normal" residents of Jerusalem think this is yet another sign that the frummies have lost their minds, with the frum sheep merely echoing another crazy drasha designed to keep them obeying and financially supporting the rabbis of Meah Shaarim.

“I worked year in and year out to grow this beard, and studied a lot also. Now I have my followers trained to think like children. I have been running out of innovations, and this should keep them so busy they never realize I’ve embarrassed them again,” Rabbi Klein said. "Also, My father, alav haShalom, worked hard to generate a trust fund so I don't have to work. This is the only respectable way to be Jewish."

“The people of that neighborhood have long been an eyesore in the area. This is no different,” said Mark Goldberg, who settled in the area because of his Jewish roots, but feels no compunction to keep up with the frummies. “All four of my grandparents died in the gas chambers during the Holocaust, and I find this latest move offensive, but that is also nothing new.”

Viznitzer Rebbe says “Don’t come here to daven, unless you have a jacket”

Viznitzer Rebbe says “Don’t come here to daven, unless you have a jacket”

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to http://MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a near riot last Tuesday night, a congregant was told to leave prayer services at the Vizhnizter minyan factory of Monsey. The Grand Viznitzer Rebbe of Monsey, Rabbi Mordechai Hager was walking with his entourage past a group of men davening in his Synagogue and stopped to tell the young man he should not pray there without a proper jacket and hat.

The synagogue, 1 million square foot prayer hall, has so many members that a minyan, or service starts every fifteen minutes through out the entire day. “This building was intended as a place for all men to come and express their thanks to the creator of the universe, but their prayers are not heard if their hat is the wrong type or if they only wear a yarmulke,” said a translation of the Rebbes drasha give during Shabbat the following Saturday.

Reactions to the announcements were varied. “I was turned away from the Vizhnitzer mikveh because the sign said ‘no one with a hairdo would be admitted,’ and I had not yet shaved my head,” said Don Rosenblum of Monsey. “These things are entirely arbitrary and designed to keep us in line.

This is perfectly normal.” The young man, a Jew of Sephardic descent said that he was not dressed in a disrespectful manner. “I was wearing pants a shirt with a collar and a kippah, the same way I dress when I go to my own shul to pray,” said Daniel Melamed, whose parents are from Syria, but he grew up in Monsey.

Rabbi Mohel plans to give herpes infection directly to male infants

Rabbi Mohel plans to give herpes infection directly to male infants

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach  Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a twisted way of accommodating the requirements of the New York State Department of Health, the Charedi Rabbis in Boro Park and Williamsburg have agreed to use small glass capillary tubes in drawing blood from bris milah but also plan to bring injections of live herpes virus to inject directly into the genitalia of young boys.

“The idea is to passively resist this needless chumrah being imposed on us by the goyish state,” Said Rabbi Mohel, who is famous for causing the death of three boys and the brain death of a dozen other male infants.

He claims “The herpes virus is just another part of hassidus we should all be happy to accept, like clandestine homosexual hookups in the mikveh.” Many followers were in agreement.

“Every child develops a rash over their whole bodies after their circumcision. Herpes is just another rite of passage for childhood,” said Frumkah Friedman of Fellowes Court in Williamsburgh, co-founder of the Fun Frum School for Female First Graders.

“Oy Vey!” Was the response of Doctor Hannoch Teitelbaum, from the Chassidic Health Department of the Satmar Rov. Upon hearing the rabbinical plans he clarified, “This is a great idea but it should be clandestine. How could he make such a public announcement in English?”

Other politicians were not so pleased with the plans. “We need our followers to be intellectually disabled so they don’t try to enter the real world, but there is a danger this plan could go way too far,” Said Rabbi Shlomoh Gardenhouse, founder and Gadol of Congregation Bais Mikvah of Monsey, a school that is internationally acclaimed for turning out the most illiterate graduates of any school on the East Coast. “Many of our talmudim [male students] have low iqs from natal herpes infections. The low IQ makes it impossible for them to leave, and often this is seen as the only way to make frum marriage bearable.” Garenchouse said. “Besides, it creates jobs for the community when these children have paid attendants funded by the state.”

Masbia, Ohel have final solution to pervasive problems

Masbia, Ohel have final solution to pervasive problems

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Masgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

In a special joint press release at the Asifa agains the Internet at citi Field the leaders of Masbia soup kitchens and Ohel Family Services announced a new method of controlling the Orthodox community, while eliminating the surplus population created by the rabbinical leadership.

Alexander Rappoport and Moishe Slimazel took the stage together and made the announcement that a new plan was in effect for the ubiquitious soup kitchen located in major Jewish communities throughout New York City. They were going to start adding genetically modified Riacin poison produced by Monsanto to the food at Masbia to eliminate the crowds of mentally ill who had overrun the soup kitchen, originally conceived as a nice place for families to eat in a restaurant.

 According to a paper handed out at the event, the Orthodox requirement of not using birth control had saddled a few generations of families with a lifetime of changing diapers on unwanted adult children with pervasive developmental disorders.

While it was a good boondoggle to wrench money from the government for their care, there were now more needs than the communities have the ability to care for. But the answer was simple.

“This is no difference from how we use so many other methods to defraud the nations which surround klal Yisroel for our personal benefit. In addition to eliminating the surplus expenses associated with all the unwanted and unwatched people, a generous pool of donors was taking out life insurance policies like crazy with the idea this is a new way to strike it rich,” Rapp said. Slimazel added, “Kol Yisroel areivim zeh leh zeh. We have to look out for each other's interest, even if it means murdering the most powerless amongst us."

"While this may sound new to some people, in fact, the community has long preyed off of people, just look at the millions pfilfered off the BT movement that have generously benefited our rabbis," Slimazel said. "Some of that even trickles down to people in need. It is proven by rabbonim, by repeating silly statements about inheritance people will eventually give up common sense with the hope an invisible man in the sky would reward generosity. We know it's a lie, but one that pays the party bureaucrats well."

 The genesis of the idea of eliminating the disabled population centered around an analysis that Masbia customers were no longer accepting services from Ohel and thus not benefiting klal Yisroel anymore. Apparently the idea came from an event during World War Two, when a nurse at a mental hospital poisoned several hundred mental patients to save them from working to death in a Nazi labor camp. Mark Weiskopf was completely exonerated in a tribunal when he said he saved the patients from a slow and painful death.

“We monetized the disabled to the enrichment of ourselves, and many Jewish people, but now there are too many disabled to profit anymore. I made my millions and I want out. We have no easier solution,” Slimazel said. “By controlling adults and forbidding them to use birth control, we created a surplus population of unwanted disabled adults that enabled us to charge the government a fortune providing diapers, medical care and food for them. Who would have imagined there would ever be too many,” Rapp said.

Yeshivot to add special class on molestation

Yeshivot to add special class on molestation
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Due to the outbreak of attention focussed on scandals surrounding Orthodox rabbis having illicit relations with students a new class has been added to rabbinical classes at a Brooklyn Yeshiva. The rabbis teaching ordination students at Yeshiva Chaim Berlin and Torah Vodaass have joined together to create a curriculum on childhood sexual molestation in the Orthodox community.

“As the preeminent schools for creating rabbinical leadership in the Orthodox world, we realize it is important to address this vital issue early on,” said Rabbi Wosner of Brooklyn, NY. “There are many important facets to this part of Orthodoxy that rabbis must be educated on.

“ Much to the surprise of many concerned parents this class is not going to be the same chillul hashem as The Awareness Center or other groups, Wosner said. Instead this group would educate rabbis. “Many old ideas are no longer applicable, like the supposition that a minor cannot testify in bait din, since they can now testify in secular court. Our class teaches newly minted rabbis how to find the neglected kids from dysfunctional families so there will never be any calls to justice to begin with,” Said Gedalia Schorr, a Monsey rabbi descended from the gadol hador of Torah Vodass, Rabbi Simcha Schorr. “Using tips from my father, I've personally molested more that 3,000 baalei teshuvah and not one has taken it further than the local mikveh. Avrahom Braun and me, we're like the dynamic duo compared with the menuval, Rabbi Tropper!” Schorr Said.

The celebratory tone didn't stop with the announcement. There was a five man band performing all the classic wedding tunes, with men holding hands and dancing in circles in the traditional manner, palm of hand on crotch area of the man next to him, in big circles of gay Israeli style dancing.

A recently revealed adult who says he was a victim of childhood sexual molestation also spoke at the commencement. Chaim Chalvner said he was raped regularly from the age of eight until bar mitzvah. “I was molested for five of the worst years of my life. Yet to silence me, they had their congregation bribe me for hundreds of thousands of dollars, mainly because I come from a wealthy family. Redistribution of wealth is an essential part of communism and what could be more redistributive than having more people receive bribes of silence?” He said.

“Many people don't realize however much molestation might go on, there is no homosexuality in the Orthodox community,” Wosner said. “In order to be considered gay, at least one partner must be a willing participant in an act. Since we victimize children against their will and they are not of legal age to testify in bait din, there is no legal homosexuality. It's the Achmedinajad argument all over again.”

A recent audit of major Hassidic and Ultra-Orthodox congregations by Agudath Israel confirmed a unanimous and complete absence of flamboyance, openly gay behavior, bright clothing or any typical gay behavior. “Except a few young boys had sexy high pitched voices,” the report noted.

Chabad-Lubavitch declares crisis as kollel numbers insufficient for coming crisis

Chabad-Lubavitch declares crisis as kollel numbers insufficient for coming crisis

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

A recent business analysis from the department of finance and acquisitions has place the entire Lubavitch community into a crisis as forecasts predict a shortage of available labor, thus endangering the entire organization.

The crisis began when a middle management bean counter came to the realization that the organization lacked sufficient reserves of employees for a high attrition role, and faced an inability to staff the money gathering positions around the globe in 2012.

Accountant-business manager and mathematician Paul Erdish saw a movie motze Shabbos kodesh parshas Leviticus and was shocked at the historical cataclysms predicted for the year 2012 and realized the organization was insufficiently prepared for the coming catastrophes that are the hallmark of the rebirth pains of the messiah.

Combining an old Christian theory that the messiah will come amongst great tragedy for the followers, and the Lubavitch theorem about Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson coming back to life as the Messiah at the apex of the Mayan Calendar predicting the end of the world in 2012, the idea spread through Crown Heights like wildfire. Even Rabbi Shalom Auslander agreed that when the world is reborn it, a larger number emissaries are necessary for ensuring enough survived to continue raising money after the recreation of society.

“The Rebbe went from a net worth of $10 million to more than $500 million when he realized each emissary sent back ten times the cost of setting him up in business. If we went public, Chabad-Lubavitch has a market valuation of $2 Billion. We need more emissaries carrying our message so that when civilization is eradicated, the primitive man that survives will know that one man was born, killed and after three days rose to heaven. They may get the name wrong or make a pagan religion out of it but the recreation of civilization will know the Messiah came, left and shall return,” Erdish said.

Part of the problem Auslander said, was documented in the book, The Rebbe, The Moshiach and the Plight of Orthodox Indiference. By David Berger. “We all know there are not enough people crazy enough to believe our system and sober enough to serve as believable clergy in the Christian sense of the word. This is a serious crisis, we must begin dispensing Prozac and finishing classes to our followers as soon as possible,” Auslander said.

“The famous quote in the Zohar teaches us many people will die at the end and we must prepare to sacrifice ourselves so our ideas can be perpetuated,even if it means the end of our religions,” said Rabbi Shalom Keller from his pulpit in the Australian Outback, as quoted in the latest issues of Emissary news.

“Most business models stress the important of running a lean operation but having amble back up for critical operations. The early sailing ships had twice as many sailors as needed to compensate for the high rate of attrition. Sure they sat around drunk, but the toughest ones got rich doing it,” Keller said.

Square Rebbe declares war of terror on nonbelievers, converts mikveh to zyklon b gas chambers

Square Rebbe declares war of terror on nonbelievers, converts mikveh to zyklon b gas chambers

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

The patriarch of the Hasidic community in New Square, Rabbi David Twesky has announced a new “War of Terror” against all non-believers who dare to give tithe to shuls other than his own and lethally condemned all Jewish people who pray at other synagogues outside of New Square. As part of the plan he is inviting all people from other area synagogues to come pray at his synagogue and use the New Square Mikvah before, while carefully converting the world-class bathing operation into a gas chamber featuring Zyklon B gas and using the nearby bakery ovens to reduce human remains to ashes.

The news announcement comes after a disturbing incident where a follower, Shaul Spitzer, acting on his own, but with implicit direction from the rebbe, caused burns on 50 percent of the body of Aron Rottenberg, a New Square resident and follower of the Rebbe who had been praying at a different synagogue for well over two weeks.

“I was just trying out something new, and now this,” Said Rottenberg. “I heard about this thing called Modernish Orthodox where people look more American and there was one just down the street. I merely wanted to see if they read from the same Torah as the Square Hassidim.”

According to the Grand Rebbe, this type of insubordination is totally unacceptable. In words echoing the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Long like the King Messiah, every man should think of his Rebbe as the King Messiah, and thus blindly obey.

“This mans presence at another shul show unwanted individual thinking, thus obviating the need for a trial,” Twersky said. “Following the lead of Presidents Bush, Obama and Der Furher, we tried him in absentia, convicted him, and sent a man to burn his house down, forcing him to move. Carrying the sentence out on his person was a unfortunate misdirection, but a result I am fully comfortable with.”

The trial and sentence were carried out by the Brown Shirts of New Square, often called Jihadists by the compassionate and loving members who welcome everyone with open arms and are never harsh or cruel with anyone.

“I think the guy had it coming, associating with Misnagdim, the historical enemy of the Heimish Frum world is verboten,” said Mendel Berger, a community leader and top scoring jihadist. He has presided over the largest number of attacks on infidels of any Squarer Hassidim.

Chabad-Lubavitch wins award from Amway

Chabad-Lubavitch wins award from Amway

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

During the 2010 annual Awards dinner banquet at the Amway world headquarters in Ada, Michigan, there was a unique form of recognition given to Chabad-Lubavitch for their expansive international network. Jay Andel and Rich Devos got up in front of the crowd and declared their envy of the international Hassidic organization.

“We're rich, but they are rich and tax exempt. One day Amway will be up there with Scientology and Chabad,” Devos said. “Until then we use our tax havens, pay our taxes and get our customers to work for us as much as possible. But there is so much Amway could learn from this organization.”

A Shaliach, or emissary of the deceased rebbe was on hand to give an eloquent acceptance speech and ask for Amway members to think about Chabad-Lubavitch in their last will and testament and consider making their tithing to the organization.

“We don't ask for much, ten percent of your post tax, post cost of living expenses would not tax most people. We make it sound easy so that even people who are poor can donate and all those poor people eventually add up to as much as half of the donations of one rich person. Plus they all turn into sales people on their own right. This is a lesson Amway could learn from the occult,” Said Rabbi Shalom Ber Liberow, from Chabad of Western Michigan.

In an attempt to cudgel more donations, Rabbi Yosef Weingarten spiked the punch with pure grain alcohol, saying, “It worked with the college kids. Why not with these schmucks?” In his talk he motivated the sellers at Amway by sharing some of the techniques used by Chabad.

“Begin by catching people off guard and finding their weaknesses and then use that to manipulate the crowd. Usually they will be afraid of security for the future. Then you tell them how your product can solve that problem best. I always tell people why worry about retirement when they have no place in the imaginary world that doesn't exist? Then I promise them a seat with the dead guy upstairs! All for a low, low price.”

Then Andel, compared the techniques favorable to Amway motivational pamphlet #17-879.3, becoming your own best customer, page 447, where it says, “basically the same thing, except for the part about dosing your unsuspecting customer with large amounts of vodka.”

Jewish group announces new organization, National Alliance for the Mentally Well

Jewish group announces new organization, National Alliance for the Mentally Well

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

The patriarch of the Monsey Community Outreach announced today that a new organization was afoot in Monsey and soon the world would be worshiping at the feet of Jews while they studied Talmud and the Messiah arrived. The National Alliance for the Mentally Well was announced by Mendel Hoffman Tuesday as a new support organization designed to bolster Orthodox influence while taking all the money intended to help sick people nationwide.

The new organization, patterned after the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, has a uniquely Jewish twist, because it is not designed to help people, only to collect money.

“We know that society at large suffers from the mental illness called secularism, and the religious life is the only way. Besides the religion is oppressive enough that most of us suffer from symptoms of PTSD, OCD and depression,” Hoffman said.

“We got all the school vouchers for the New York City. All. 100 percent. Now, we are taking the other money and putting it to use, lining the pockets of the rabbinate of Monsey!” Hoffman gleefully announced to the deafening cheers of a crowd of thousands of Hassidim and Ultra-Orthodox at a collaborative press release and sium in the Rockland county park.

As part of the celebration, the held during the three weeks of summer when the Orthodox are not allowed to eat meat, announcements were made, three old men held a celebration for completing the reading of a tractate of Mishnah and two thousand people ate free barbecue and drank beer in the summer heat. Monsey Community Outreach footed the bill with money allocated for helping adults with Downs Syndrome live independently.

“Even the name is a joke on the goyim,” Hoffman said, “Since everybody knows being frum causes mental illness. Where else can you find such a large group of people all afflicted with PTSD from childhood parental neglect and childhood sexual molestation, OCD from years of obsessing about molecules, contradictory kosher laws and a restrictive lifestyle that doesn't allow for basic health measures, any physical activity, freedom or happiness?”

“The funniest part, for us rabbis,” Hoffman said, “is we know the rules are a joke and we watch our Mexican caterers carry unboiled wine and bless Jesus while they pour a bracha for unsuspecting Hasidim. Then we laugh our ass off. This distresses our followers who then come to us with money, seeking a way to feel better.”

“Now we have an organization to help us use these people to defraud the government through this organization, even while we still collect tithing from them,” Hoffman said. “We already have tons of downs babies and that is a major source of wealth flowing into the community. Now we can start collecting on behalf of healthy normal-ish people as well.”

Queen of England visits Obama, stops in Crown Heights to visit red chair

Queen of England visits Obama, stops in Crown Heights to visit red chair

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

During July of 2010, Elizabeth, the Queen of England came to New York and inspected her colonial holdings started by her grandfather, George III in 1690, including a personal meet and greet with her recently hired property managers, Barack and Michelle Obama. During that visit she also came to visit a red chair in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. The prayer seat that was formerly occupied by the Rebbe of Chabad-Lubavitch, Menachem Mendel Schneerson.

“It was just like how Grandpa described the old Brittish Empire,” she said. “People coming and going from all over the globe. At one point any petty citizen with a good reputation could find himself promoted to viceroy of an entire region. And it felt even more familiar since the rebbe and my family both claim descent from the ancient biblical King David.”

At first her highness said she found it somewhat unsettling to talk to an empty chair, but she soon came around, and began referencing the messianic redepmtion.

“It amazed me how much the Lubavitch talk of messianic redemption and our life in Windsor Palace. We have goyim wait on us hand and foot while we study the Talmud or do whatever we want, and people tell us how there are many sparks of godliness inside of us,” She said.

“Plus, the Rebbe loves us. He wants us to be happy and will arrange things from the grave, where he isn't really dead and help us to obtain our ever wish. She that lady over there, she kept two Shabbos in a row, and now she's going to have her first child at age fifty,” The Royal Queen said, perfectly parroting the old Chabad recruiting line.

The the queen went on to the most amazing revelation, that she had kept Shabbos for 40 years running. “Being of Royalty means that I never have to work, the last time I flicked a light switch was in 1961. All our meals are prepared, we never wear the same clothes twice,” Her highness said.

“I know the Rebbe hasn' worn any clothes since he died and his empire is larger, has Chabad houses in more provinces than the Brittish Empire in it's peak, but I heard he sent his suits to be dry cleaned and sometimes wore them weekly for as long as a year. I've never worn clothes twice,” she said.

The Queen went on to reference succession battles in various Hassidic sects and the divided state of Vihznitz, Satmar and Chernobyl Hassidim as proof. The Royal Family, already declared monarch over 32 countries is the organization to serve as legitimate messianic leadership over the world. But they are not above granting favors to other religious groups in a power sharing agreement, in exchange for obesiance. “Just look at England, with no separation between church and state. All yeshiva tuition is paid for from my national treasury,” She said.

New Organization demands equal treatment for Hassidim

New Organization demands equal treatment for Hassidim

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com


Anyone walking along Williamsburg Street on a recent Friday would have glimpsed hundreds of Hassidim Jostling like pigeons to watch an overturned oil truck on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway as a part of their Oneg Shabbos. You would have also observed sundry goyim driving by and shouting various epithets at the Jews blocking traffic on the access road. This is the rational for a heimish new organization being formed in Brooklyn called the Society of People for the Ethical Treatment of Hassidim.

The group is a coordinating body between Williamsburg, Midwood and Boro Park. It’s purpose is to focus attention on the four areas in which the largest number of hassidim suffer most intensely for the longest time, minyan factories, shatnez laboratories, in the clothing trade and cleaning out leavening for passover.

A website for the group declared that PETH works through public education, cruelty investigations, research, animal rescue legislation, special events, celibacy involvement, and protest campaigns.

“I mean look at these poor suffering Hassidim, held slave to a million different myths and fears, half of them never getting laid and the other half giving their wives herpes from the prostitutes on Smith and South ninth streets,” Said Rabbi Pesach Feivel of Monsey. “Every time I go to the titty bar my girls tell me about another tragedy of the system. It is time we began to tell these Hassidim that we care, that they are people also,” he said.

“As of late, large number of protesters have found themselves in trouble with the various townships and councils for their uncompromising stands on Hassidic rights. For example, there are a large number of stringencies associated with the cleaning for passover, the festival of matzos that involve removing every crumb of leavened bread from a persons house. Clearly this is an unnecessary stringency for them to clean every last inch of their home,” Rabbi Feivel said.

The group website said that the training Hassidic children receive from age three to six is inhuman. It said “they suffer from extreme loneliness, boredom and frustration from the intellectual cages month after month.” The website claimed these children cannot speak for themselves and need PETH members to speak for them, and gave a range of suggestions, ranging from writing letters, to boycotts and marches.

Of course one of the biggest areas where help is needed is clothing, and the group was supporting the donation of cruelty free, drop dead georgous clothing for all kinds and sizes of clothing. It even had a skins trade section narrated by Pamela Anderson that would instruct women on the proper way to show some thong without even violating the ban on modest dress and behavior, by being aware of social norms.

One of the more interesting theoretical ideas on the site was the nude run through Williamsburg to show that that there can be modesty based on behavior, regardless of actual dress. The lecture included a video essay of fat old people casually conversing on a nudist beach.

The group was also seeking to overthrow the strict requirement and replace it with an easier way of observing the holidays. One option was to have a giant bunny deliver black socks to all the young boys and black stockings to all the little girls in Boro Park and Williamsburg.
The idea was masterminded by someone identified as Rabbi Paul Kook who said that he “Had no idea if this would be better but that at least it would be a change.”

Sephardim vote to make Flatbush Judenrein

Sephardim vote to make Flatbush Judenrein

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Masgiach Ruchini
Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

A new war has been declared in Flatbush, but this one is not between the gentile ethnicities and the Jews. This war is between the Syrians and the Ashkenazi Jewish groups living in Brooklyn. The opening salvo began when the Syrians expanded their exclusion of converts to exclude Ashkenazi Jews.

German is not a Jewish language and all other Jews had no Jewish roots, the grand mufti declared on Wednesday. He further declared he wanted the area Jeudenrein, adopting the German term for an area that has been ethnically cleansed of Jewish people speaking German.

“Flatbush was given to us and not to them,” declared Fred Shakirge, the chief rabbi and grand mufti of the diaspora Syrian Jewish community. He went on to compare the Ashkenazi confusion of Poland with the term Po – Len, here to them, in Hebrew. Flatbush has a similar meaning in the Syrian dialect of Farsi that an Ashkenazi Jew would never know.

“We want these Kuzaris out of here,” Shakirge said. “It is declared in the Talmud how mass conversions will bring a curse on the Jewish people. The results are self-evident when we have fools walking around in the summer heat wearing heavy wool outfits and fur hats as if they were in the coldest Siberian winter.”

The contempt Shakirge expresed for white Jews was not constrained to inappropriate clothing choices, he also attacked ridiculous chumra like a prohibition on rice based on flour bags being used for rice in a previous century.

“The core of the problem with them [Askenazis] is that they are using superficial aspects of the religion to afflict people in ridiculous ways. We find a single issue, completely torment people on the one point and they can do what they want the rest of the time,” he said.

“After the movie Syriana came out, we knew Syrian Jews have a special connection to the elite ruling class in America. We have what they want,” Shakirge said. “The people in the movie they have oil, but that is nothing compared with Syrians being the chosen people.”

Sebi Lenihan, a professor of Jewish history at Carnegie Melon university agreed, offering supporting evidence commonly known from history. “After their expulsion from Yemen in 1948 we found the Jews from that region were speaking the language of King Solomon, living as itinerant sheepherders, peeing in latrines and they all had direct lineage to the King. The closest King these other Jews can claim connection to is in the 60's they were marching with Martin Luther King. Not quite the same thing.”

Review of Masbia Soup Kitchen

Masbia

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchin, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Any reader of food porn in NYC knows that soup kitchens exist to provide sustenance to prevent the lowest rung of society from starving, then rising up to reconquer the ruling class, until now. The opening of Masbia soup kitchens in Boro Park, Williamsburgh and Midwood feed patrons with a level of luxury rarely experienced at any price, and until now, never for free.

The culinary experience is never just the food. The experience, the atmosphere and the staff can make medium food great and can bring a fabulous meal from the peak of quality to the depths of mediocrity. Masbia excels on both accounts. Unlike other religious groups that subject hungry people to long lectures of questionable logic before they are allowed to eat, Masbia only requires one to sign in and take a seat at a table by oneself. Then the staff brings out the delicious entree of the day, usually chicken leg quarters with barley soup and farfel.

At many restaurants it would be considered a problem to have the same menu for every day of the week for years on end, but not in an Orthodox Jewish restaurant. The reasoning is only logical to a person involved in that religion.

“We never want to change anything,” Said Moshe, the Kollel Jungerman who is beginning to explore the world of work by volunteering at Masbia. At the ripe age of 28 he now has his first part-time job.
“The ancient world treated women badly, so do we. The rabbis in post world war two had chicken and chulent every single week, so do we. The ancient progenitors of Judaism worshipped idols and we have photos of rabbis on the walls of our homes and synagogues. Therefore we have had the same menu every day for three years running.”

The restaurant doesn't resemble a soup kitchen in another way, it is decked out as if it were a fancy restaurant, with subdued lighting, formal behavior and waiters who bring the patrons dinner, bottles of seltzer water and the ubiquitous plate of NY pickles and sauerkraut. Instead of a mechitza dividing between the various patrons and genders eating at the restaurant, there are potted rubber plants, so it barely looks like there is a divider, it merely resembles a poor job of decorating.

However one Orthodox tradition is still very strong in this restaurant, as became obvious when this reviewer ate at the Masbia on Coney Island Avenue. A Jewish woman came in to eat because she was poor. She got her food, and an earful as the manager refused to stop berating her for the entire meal because she came to eat wearing pants. It seems that even free food comes with a price that must be extracted, whether it is in blood, flesh or money.

And this brings up the underlying fault of an enterprise of this nature. In it's essence it is communism at the worst form. The wealthy business owners of Boro Park skim millions off the Jewish community and the people of greater New York and in return they give pack pennies in the form of free food to those willing to undergo humiliation and dress a certain way for it. Then they boast they are not the only ones living well, look at this store they set up to help the people living like them, but without the money. The deepest irony is using all the money to have very large families and then neglecting the children and sending them off to me molested by yeshiva rabbis.

This deception of inequality is the root of the problem. Here exists a group of extremely wealthy individuals ignoring the extreme hardship they are causing in the people around them, or laughing at it and justifying the inequality by humiliation, and using it as a tool of indoctrination to further enslave those around them it is no longer charity. It is just another cog in the giant Orthodox propaganda machine that serves to increase the workforce of people willing to accept less pay and health benefits so the wealthy business owners can earn even more outsize profits. Why, you may ask? Because it says so somewhere in the bible, even though nobody can figure out where, because the bible never says any of that.

Yes the biggest Baal Tzedakah of Monsey sucks his fortune out of the community by way of renting commercial real estate at top dollar, causing the Jewish retailers to charge top dollar. The biggest fraudster sold treif chickens as kosher and still gives his weekly Torah lecture, only now he is retired in Jerusalem instead of Monsey.

Orthodox Judaism is a giant Ponzi scheme justified by the phrase, you just don't understand, yet. The charity is really a form of wealth transfer business, supporting people who provide “services” to the poor. But if a person is really hungry and happens to own the right type of hat or Yarmulke, it's not such bad place to boost your triglyceride fat levels for a few hours.

The casualty on your heart arteries is worse than a pogrom the National Socialist Workers Party would envy, and it won't leave you all constipated the way Passover Matzoh will. But the propaganda value would make Joesph Goebbels proud.

Postville Iowa Chulent and immigrants

Postville, Iowa Chulent Made from undocumented immigrants

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

Many complaints have come across the desk of kosher supervisors across the nation and across the world that chulent has not been tasting as good as it did in the past. After an extensive investigation, the nation's largest Kosher supervision organization has found the answer with the most shocking reasons. It is all tied to the arrest of Shalom Rubashkin and the kosher slaughterhouse in Postville, Iowa.

In a prison cell revelation, Shalom Rubaskin has revealed that he was using undocumented immigrants in the production of Rubaskins Chulent. Everyone knows he hired people without papers, but we are just discovering they were also the secret ingredient that made Rubashkins chulent the best of all brands available in the kosher grocery.

“Humans eat the finest staples of wheat, high fructose corn syrup and aspartame of any animal,” Rubashkin said. “We all learn in cheder [elementary school] how [gentiles] are not really human, lacking the highest part of the neshama (soul), and also human meat is fed the finest grain,” Rubashkin announced at a press conference held in the prison shower room at the point of a highly sharpened butter knife.

But he also offered the apology to “Vinny the knife”. “But I am sure you have a very nice soul and the Ribono shel olam has a place reserved for you in the front row of the world to come,” Rubashkin said. The whole event was caught on the security camera where the prison security officer captured it on the computer, and uploaded it to youtube.com under the screen name, Ny'sboldest.

A series of scientific studies carried out independently across the nation found that in older frozen chulent packages, indeed the hemoglobin on the meat was in fact of Hispanic origin with fat and lean muscle ratios consistent with a diet based on Mcdonald's and Pizza Hut. However it also discovered the more recent frozen chulent packages only contained the meat of animals like cows, chickens, cats dogs and pork.

The Kosher supervision body of note issued a ruling that since the delicious chulent was no longer available no further action was necessary. In a posthumous psak din, Rabbi Harold I Scharfman spoke from his grave in Los Angeles and said, “Human meat is more of a delicacy than monkey or Genie. Besides, this gives valuable employment opportunities to all the surplus populations around the world.”

Chabad makes special chulent

Chabad at 770 makes special chulent of people from all over the world

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Chulent is often considered the best stew on planet Earth. A mixture of beans and seasoning and meats, served piping hot, it is delicious. Everyone knows the Hassidic world has the best chulent to be found anywhere. Only recently have events in Postville, Iowa began to reveal why. Of course, the best chulent in all Hassidim is found in Crown Heights at the Rebbe's shul, 770 Eastern Parkway. Documents revealed during bankruptcy filings related to Chabad have finally revealed why having an international network can result in the best chulent ever made.

A higher up in the Chabad administration filed bankruptcy to avoid paying child support to his third wife and their twelve children and an astute lawyer was accidentally given access to records from his work where it was revealed Chabad was using it's international network of followers to recruit dedicated Lubvitchers from around the world to serve in the Rebbe's chulent as the most delectable ingredient.

“We sent emissaries to the third and fourth world where the people know human meat is the most delectable sustenance there is. It didn't take a lot of thinking to realize that we had an endless supply of people willing to do anything up to giving up their life for our religious fiction. It was a natural conclusion to include them in the meal,” Said Moshe Hertz, a senior handler for guests to Crown Heights.

Documents reveal extensive communications between employees in Brooklyn and the thousands of Chabad houses around the world coordinating who has their papers in order before travelling to Brooklyn, and who has not yet written Chabad-Lubavitch into their will yet. Emissaries make sure the person will not be missed and around suspicion before allowing them to visit New York and make the ultimate sacrifice for the Rebbe.

“When the rebbe took over Chabad he was worth $10 million. With his business acumen he realized every emissaries sent out sent back ten times as much as he cost and the rebbe died with a net worth of $500 million,” Hertz said. “What makes you think the apparatchiks in Crown Heights limited themselves to the luxuries money can buy?”

As further proof, Hertz, brought up the movie, Sweeny Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, where a restauranteur became immensely wealthy by serving up the most delicious pies, fully of the best meat available to man, human meat.

Isaac Schonfeld, a Lubavitcher living in Boro Park has hosted a Chulent party every Thursday for the past ten years, a place where people stay up until sunrise drinking and smoking their way to varying parts of oblivion. However his Chulent has no meat.

“We are dealing with a varying crowd and it is highly likely someone would leave my party and drink milk after eating chulent, so we don't use any meat at the Chulent party,” He said.

This was in contradiction of a ruling handed down by the Rosh Yeshiva Aaron Kotler, at Bais Midrash Jehovia, in Lakewood, New Jersey.

“Deorisa [from the Torah], human meat is not meat, it is not necessary to wait 3 minutes before having milk. However if it is in a chulent there is a possibility a person might confuse it with meat from a cow or pig,so it is necessary to wait, but only as a fence around the laws, not as a law itself,” Kotler said.

Hertz was dismissive, saying Schonfeld didn't have a very large fan base yet. “Just joining in with Chabad Lubavitch gives rabbis a connection to an already built fan base of millions. We are the single largest Jewish organization in the world, with followers to spare. With all these extra people to waste, we do.”

Troppper - If I did it

Tropper releases new memoir called If I Did It

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach, Meshumad Meshubach
Masgiach Ruchini, Yehsiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

Rabbi Leib Tropper of Monsey, New York had branched out of the Hebrew language world to release a memoirs of how he eliminated the perceived competition of Rabbi Mordechai Tendler, called If I did It. In this tell-all memoirs Tropper details how he became a millionaire and then used his money and influence to ruin the career of another rabbi by falsified claims and using his social influence.

Tropper starts out with the usual rabbinical story of constantly repeating claims of poverty while raking in hundreds of thousands in donations from wealthy donors to help the poor suffering students, then keeping the money for himself, tax exempt.

He details how he then convinced the Rabbinical councils in Jerusalem to give him almost sole authority in granting conversions that would be accepted in Israel before beginning a slander campaign against Tendler, discrediting him in the eyes of his followers.

“I couldn't believe the unnamed flyers and spreading rumors to a few key gossips could be so effective,” Tropper says in his book. “Then when I was approached by Adina Mermelstein, it was amazing. I couldn't believe such a sweety feel into our laps”.

Tropper goes into depth about the system of using crazy people as weapons in Monsey. “You just know this crazy is going to be hard to handle. Sending them to Tendlers shul guarantees he will be so busy putting out fires that he will neglect everything else.”

He details encountering a sick woman looking for some help with her years of hospitalization for her mental problems and just showering her with love until she would do anything he asked her, then feeding her romantic fantasies about Tendler.

“I just squeezed her and watched her guts spill out all over floor,” he said, regarding how Mermelstein's condition degraded seriously with his manipulation. After a year of floating around Tendlers' shul and alienating the fuck out of everyone, “she was ready for the final stage,” he said.

In the book Tropper details how he had a lawyer in his congregation draw up and file a lawsuit filled with the most crazy allegations he could think up, knowing it would never need to go to trial or be based in fact.

“This schtuss, [shit] we made up, we couldn't believe it, and now everyone in Monsey thinks this guy is some sort of monster! It's wonderful,” Tropper said in a press conference. “He wouldn't touch this poor sick girl, but was nice enough to let her attend his congregation, and that was all we needed. Tendler is one of the nicest people in all of Monsey, but as competition he had to be eliminated.”

New real estate investment opportunities to support yeshivas

Rabbi Tropper announces new real estate investment opportunities to support yeshivas

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

A rabbi at an Orthodox Outreach organization in Monsey has announced a new investment opportunity that has many Orthodox Jews licking their lips like it was the blood of Christian babies. The real estate investment trust is being promoted as the biggest profit making opportunity since Goldman Sachs introduced mortgage fraud based equities.

Rabbi Lieb Tropper announced that since he lost power in Kol Yaakov his donation revenue has been declining precipitously. So he is using his last non-porofit entity, Horizons to launch a fraud ponzi corporation that will raise money like the world has never seen. The announcement was made last night at his annual money grubbing dinner held at Monsey wedding hall.

“After years of working with Rabbi Lieb Pinter and developing the expertise few people have in the field of mortgages, fraud, organized crime and racketeering, this program will be the climax of my career, the deal that I can retire on.,” Tropper said.

The idea was to build factories in places where cheap labor is available, near shipping. Tropper said he will build a factory in Africa to manufacture luxury houses, employing children who are homeless and willing to work for a cup of rice a day.

“We'll build near a diamond mine to take advantage of existing infrastructure,” he said.

The plan does not stop at manufacturing homes. Tropper said the plan included, “assembling luxury homes all over Statan Island and middle America, and insuring them all.”

“Don't worry about a supposed luxury housing glut,” Tropper said. “All the houses will have a built in wiring defect. After we over-value the lot, they will all burn up, resulting in the largest fire insurance payout in history!”

The idea was well received in Monsey. According to Mendel Hoffman, Monsey Community Newspaper editor, “This is important to the Monsey Community, since yeshiva fraud funds the lines of credit for all local businesses, from dry goods stores to heroin importers, to car salesmen. “

Hoffman went on to describe a billion-dollar “community trust” that will provide for enhanced socialism for all Orthodox currently living in Monsey. “This will provide for Tropper now that the elders of the community have voted that he must move out of town. It will ensure we all get taken care of and when he takes the fall, if it comes to that, well, he will get three hot meals a day and have lots of time to study Talmud over in Sing Sing,” Hoffman said.

And for people who live in nearby Ramapo or Spring Valley? “Those people are not part of our community, but they are eligible if they can find ten people in Monsey willing to sign them into the trust,” Hoffman said.

When the topic of fraud being illegal was mentioned, Tropper was not put off. “We'll do the whole boondoggle through the Rabbinical Court, the Bait Din, and the FBI can't read Hebrew so it won't be an issue with them.”