Masbia, Ohel have final solution to pervasive problems

Masbia, Ohel have final solution to pervasive problems

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Masgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

In a special joint press release at the Asifa agains the Internet at citi Field the leaders of Masbia soup kitchens and Ohel Family Services announced a new method of controlling the Orthodox community, while eliminating the surplus population created by the rabbinical leadership.

Alexander Rappoport and Moishe Slimazel took the stage together and made the announcement that a new plan was in effect for the ubiquitious soup kitchen located in major Jewish communities throughout New York City. They were going to start adding genetically modified Riacin poison produced by Monsanto to the food at Masbia to eliminate the crowds of mentally ill who had overrun the soup kitchen, originally conceived as a nice place for families to eat in a restaurant.

 According to a paper handed out at the event, the Orthodox requirement of not using birth control had saddled a few generations of families with a lifetime of changing diapers on unwanted adult children with pervasive developmental disorders.

While it was a good boondoggle to wrench money from the government for their care, there were now more needs than the communities have the ability to care for. But the answer was simple.

“This is no difference from how we use so many other methods to defraud the nations which surround klal Yisroel for our personal benefit. In addition to eliminating the surplus expenses associated with all the unwanted and unwatched people, a generous pool of donors was taking out life insurance policies like crazy with the idea this is a new way to strike it rich,” Rapp said. Slimazel added, “Kol Yisroel areivim zeh leh zeh. We have to look out for each other's interest, even if it means murdering the most powerless amongst us."

"While this may sound new to some people, in fact, the community has long preyed off of people, just look at the millions pfilfered off the BT movement that have generously benefited our rabbis," Slimazel said. "Some of that even trickles down to people in need. It is proven by rabbonim, by repeating silly statements about inheritance people will eventually give up common sense with the hope an invisible man in the sky would reward generosity. We know it's a lie, but one that pays the party bureaucrats well."

 The genesis of the idea of eliminating the disabled population centered around an analysis that Masbia customers were no longer accepting services from Ohel and thus not benefiting klal Yisroel anymore. Apparently the idea came from an event during World War Two, when a nurse at a mental hospital poisoned several hundred mental patients to save them from working to death in a Nazi labor camp. Mark Weiskopf was completely exonerated in a tribunal when he said he saved the patients from a slow and painful death.

“We monetized the disabled to the enrichment of ourselves, and many Jewish people, but now there are too many disabled to profit anymore. I made my millions and I want out. We have no easier solution,” Slimazel said. “By controlling adults and forbidding them to use birth control, we created a surplus population of unwanted disabled adults that enabled us to charge the government a fortune providing diapers, medical care and food for them. Who would have imagined there would ever be too many,” Rapp said.

Shlomo Carlebach declared first person resuscitated, Chabad concedes

Shlomo Carlebach declared first person resuscitated, Chabad concedes

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a turn of events that many call amazing, the Hassidic group, Chabad Lubovitch of Crown Heights has conceded to the members of the Carelbach Shul of Manhattan that it is possible that the first person brought back to life when the messiah comes will actually be Rabbi Schlomo Carlebach and not Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson of Crown Heights, Brooklyn, as they had previously claimed.

The unprecedented announcement came at the end of an all-night debate at the board meeting of the Motzes Gedolei Ha Torah, the ultra-orthodox organizing body founded by the Novominsker Rebbe in 1912. Originally it was supposed to be the quarterly board meeting but when a challenge came up, the answer came back from Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, the meeting chairman that the doors should be locked and nobody could leave until the question be settled for once and for all.

Even though the Lubovitchers are the single largest Hassidic group with more than a million members worldwide, the final decision came to a simple technicality on which neighborhood would be called “Ir Hacodesh,” or in English, the holy city, “which anyone could clearly see is Manhattan and not Brooklyn,” said Rabbi Moshe Sherer, president of the Agudath organization. Even more confusing was that Rabbi Sherer died on May 20 of 1998.

“We had to break out the Ouija Board to come to the final solution,” said Yaakov Perlow, current president. “It was tough getting everyones’ hands on the board amidst all the fighting but it happened.”

“This only proves that Shlomo Carlebach brough many people back to the Torah and his reward is to sing to all the Yidden as they roll in the ground back to Jerusalem,” said Rabbi Naftali Citron of the Carelbach Shul. “His style of prayer has become a worldwide standard and made it possible for many more to enjoy and participate.” This comment was thought to be in reference to the theory that all the dead people would roll from wherever they are to Jerusalem to be resuscitated.

In opposition the Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Kazen, founder of chabad.org said that “Carlebach was a nothing who died a pauper in comparision to the Lubavitcher Rebbe who sent schnorers all over the world who collected so much that the rebbe was worth more than $450 million when he died in 1993. Well, he didn't really die, he actually went into hiding.”

The decision is not considered a loss for lubavitch in anyway, according to a current lubavitcher leader,”Since the decision said very little about who gets to be the messiah once the two men are back. And we who live in Crown Heights have total faith that our founder, leader and lord will be our strength and leader in the next world,” said Chabad founder Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, as conjured by Rabbi Ariel Sokolovsky, founder of the RebbeGod blog. Rabbi Sokolovsky believes the Rebbe should be reffered to by the 26 letter name usually reserved for God himself.

“The debate of who would be the messiah has plagued the Jewish people for many many years. Every time something bad happens, everyone moans that this is the sign he is coming. I had a lot of pressure beind the scenes to bring some sort of conclusion to the war between these two most powerful and faithful groups. It doesn't really matter who if they could just stop scuffling,” Rabbi Perlow said.
After the decision was announced, there was some discussion of a nevua, or prophecy that said this might happen from one of the Lubavitcher followers.

“It was just like when the Alter Rebbe passed the mantel on to his son-in-law, there was a nevua then too, and everyone had to follow it,” Said Menachem Mendel Schneur Shem Tuv, a Chasiddic follower of the Rebbe.

Rabbi Abe Xylum, who has been around both groups for years said he was somewhat shocked that there would be a disagreement.

“Sure, the Lube jobs have brawls in their headquarters all the time. People watch it on their web cams. But Carlebach? That shuls most distinguishing characteristic is being the only weekday minyan that has every single adult male there saying kaddish. I wouldn't have think the stock brokers on the West Side would care that much. More power to them for the peaceful settlement,” he said.

The decision and peaceful conclusion has many ramifications besides just the cultural decision from the group. The Agudah is going to be administrating an educational trust to be paid for by the Stockbrokers from the Carlebach shul. The Carlebach Yartzheit Educational fund will be exclusively to pay for Chabad kids throughout the world.

Another point in the decision was that Carlebach was originally doing his kiruv work with Chabad and learned to do outreach from Rabbi Schneerson himself.

“This is also funny, since most Chabadniks take the success of Carlebach as an effront since he was originally working with the Lubavitcher Rabbi and not against him. I mean he was happy in Crown Heights until the Rebbe said he had to stop sleeping with all the young chicks throwing themselves at him. He was originally learning in Lakewood, but what has lakewood done, ever? It is the endless trap of the Torah student. They go in and never leave,” Rabbi Xylum said.