Yeshiva to benefit Typhoon victims in Malaysia by helping themselves

Yeshiva to benefit Typhoon victims in Malaysia by helping themselves

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to MeshumadMeshuback.blogspot.com

In an attempt to alleviate the suffering in the aftermath of the largest tropical typhoon in history, the rabbis at Ohr somayach in Monsey are planning to buy a dozen houses for their children.

"In an attempt to reduce suffering in Malaysia, we agree to recite poems from the book of Psalms in unison with more than 100 students and complete study on a section from the Talmud that we are already studying anyways and we will assign all heavenly benefit from this activity to the people wrecked by disaster if we raise a million dollars," Said Rabbi Avrohom Braun, dean of students for the institution.

While there was an uproar of criticism from many circles for the cynicism of doing nothing while talking about how much they care, the defense of the top wise man at Ohr Somayach was able to quell the murmuring crowds.

Rabbi Simcha Schorr, the top, and only Yiddish lecturer at Ohr Somayach, and son of the actually famous Rabbi Gedalia Schorr presented his analysis to much applause.

"We all have a crop of children coming to marriageable age (the inner circle of rabbis at Ohr Somayach) and we need to buy them houses and set up their trust funds. The guilt our wealthy followers feel over the suffering couldn't come at a better time. This is no different than every year we prevent our check slaves from going to the Salute to Israel Day Parade by hosting a special day of learning. Instead of having fun they tithe and we get rich, this is how we think it should be," he said.

The rabbis at Ohr Somayach are not the only rabbis committing this type of fraud. Almost every synagogue in Monsey has a rabbi who has raise worth in the millions of dollars by asking his impoverished followers for "charity."

Although questionable, this ploy is perfectly legal since the yeshiva fraud is couched in convoluted rationalization, said area legal expert, Duvid Kaetz, Esq. "Take for example, my legal collections business. Through ploy and innuendo, I get people to pay. In turn the synagogue got me to pay out equally large sums. My rabbi is rich and I'm still not popular," He said.

Chabad-Lubavitch declares Communism role model

Chabad-Lubavitch declares Communism role model and sets minimum tithing and income for all true believers

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

The Rebbe grew up under communism and hated it, said it was oppressive. But, he went on to recreate the same organizational structure, but with him in control. Now, the Chabad bureaucracy is operated by a committee of aparatachiks in Crown Heights who have begun to openly embrace communism as the existing system for Chabad houses all over the world.

“The Communists in the Soviet Union made everyone act like they were happy about the leadership or else they put them in a gulag and worked them to death. This seemed to work well, so we convince people to attend our "houses" and then milk our followers until they are bankrupt at threat of cutting them off from their friends, community and way of life. When confronted with a contrived spiritual death, they find a way to pay more. What is the difference?” Said Chabad chief rabbi, Moshe Lehrman.

In addition to taking tithing from foolish people all over the globe, the money is then sent out to hangers on in Crown Heights and Rabbis all over the world in the form of a guaranteed income for all party members and aparatachiks.

When a newly minted emissary is sent off into the world he gets a subsistence funding to get a house, another house for his residence, and orders to start going through local residents until he finds people he can take advantage of. The good ones wind up owning mansions, and very wealthy, sometimes in the most unexpected places. Others have no character and struggle their whole lives. But at least they are there, said Avi Herman Cohen, the third assistant director of friends for emissaries in Brooklyn. "Look at me, all I do is arrange friends for the people working for the directors of the emissaries and I am making good money!" He said.

Jewish group announces new organization, National Alliance for the Mentally Well

Jewish group announces new organization, National Alliance for the Mentally Well

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

The patriarch of the Monsey Community Outreach announced today that a new organization was afoot in Monsey and soon the world would be worshiping at the feet of Jews while they studied Talmud and the Messiah arrived. The National Alliance for the Mentally Well was announced by Mendel Hoffman Tuesday as a new support organization designed to bolster Orthodox influence while taking all the money intended to help sick people nationwide.

The new organization, patterned after the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, has a uniquely Jewish twist, because it is not designed to help people, only to collect money.

“We know that society at large suffers from the mental illness called secularism, and the religious life is the only way. Besides the religion is oppressive enough that most of us suffer from symptoms of PTSD, OCD and depression,” Hoffman said.

“We got all the school vouchers for the New York City. All. 100 percent. Now, we are taking the other money and putting it to use, lining the pockets of the rabbinate of Monsey!” Hoffman gleefully announced to the deafening cheers of a crowd of thousands of Hassidim and Ultra-Orthodox at a collaborative press release and sium in the Rockland county park.

As part of the celebration, the held during the three weeks of summer when the Orthodox are not allowed to eat meat, announcements were made, three old men held a celebration for completing the reading of a tractate of Mishnah and two thousand people ate free barbecue and drank beer in the summer heat. Monsey Community Outreach footed the bill with money allocated for helping adults with Downs Syndrome live independently.

“Even the name is a joke on the goyim,” Hoffman said, “Since everybody knows being frum causes mental illness. Where else can you find such a large group of people all afflicted with PTSD from childhood parental neglect and childhood sexual molestation, OCD from years of obsessing about molecules, contradictory kosher laws and a restrictive lifestyle that doesn't allow for basic health measures, any physical activity, freedom or happiness?”

“The funniest part, for us rabbis,” Hoffman said, “is we know the rules are a joke and we watch our Mexican caterers carry unboiled wine and bless Jesus while they pour a bracha for unsuspecting Hasidim. Then we laugh our ass off. This distresses our followers who then come to us with money, seeking a way to feel better.”

“Now we have an organization to help us use these people to defraud the government through this organization, even while we still collect tithing from them,” Hoffman said. “We already have tons of downs babies and that is a major source of wealth flowing into the community. Now we can start collecting on behalf of healthy normal-ish people as well.”