New signs in Meah Shaarim Deplore Work Ethic

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In light of removing the kollel exemption from the Israeli army draft, new signs have been posted at the entrance to the gated community in front of the Jersualem neighborhood of Meah Shaarim and their anti-work statements have been causing quite a stir.

The neighborhood was already famous for signs requesting that women wear a restrictive dress code and asking that no tourist groups come through, now they have signs in German declaring studying Torah makes a person observant while work makes people leave religion.

In a large metal letters on an arch across all entrances to the gated city are the German words, “Arbeit macht frei, Kollel mact frum.” The first half of that phrase was famously posted over the entrance to Nazi Labor internment camps during the 1930's and 1940's to make the gay, Gypsy, Jewish, and Communist people inside work even harder. However, residents of Meah Shaarim say they saw they have reclaimed and revitalized the phrase.

“I have never worked a day in my life and I don’t want my children to either. The only thing is the study of Torah,” said Rabbi Alter Klein of Meah Shaarim. “Working at a job is a sign of secularism and leads people off the path of study,” he said. "Besides, Moshiach is coming, and then all true Jews will be studying Torah while the goyim and fake Jews wait on us hand and foot. I know so because my Kiruv teacher taught me."

Many of the so called "normal" residents of Jerusalem think this is yet another sign that the frummies have lost their minds, with the frum sheep merely echoing another crazy drasha designed to keep them obeying and financially supporting the rabbis of Meah Shaarim.

“I worked year in and year out to grow this beard, and studied a lot also. Now I have my followers trained to think like children. I have been running out of innovations, and this should keep them so busy they never realize I’ve embarrassed them again,” Rabbi Klein said. "Also, My father, alav haShalom, worked hard to generate a trust fund so I don't have to work. This is the only respectable way to be Jewish."

“The people of that neighborhood have long been an eyesore in the area. This is no different,” said Mark Goldberg, who settled in the area because of his Jewish roots, but feels no compunction to keep up with the frummies. “All four of my grandparents died in the gas chambers during the Holocaust, and I find this latest move offensive, but that is also nothing new.”

Viznitzer Rebbe says “Don’t come here to daven, unless you have a jacket”

Viznitzer Rebbe says “Don’t come here to daven, unless you have a jacket”

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to http://MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a near riot last Tuesday night, a congregant was told to leave prayer services at the Vizhnizter minyan factory of Monsey. The Grand Viznitzer Rebbe of Monsey, Rabbi Mordechai Hager was walking with his entourage past a group of men davening in his Synagogue and stopped to tell the young man he should not pray there without a proper jacket and hat.

The synagogue, 1 million square foot prayer hall, has so many members that a minyan, or service starts every fifteen minutes through out the entire day. “This building was intended as a place for all men to come and express their thanks to the creator of the universe, but their prayers are not heard if their hat is the wrong type or if they only wear a yarmulke,” said a translation of the Rebbes drasha give during Shabbat the following Saturday.

Reactions to the announcements were varied. “I was turned away from the Vizhnitzer mikveh because the sign said ‘no one with a hairdo would be admitted,’ and I had not yet shaved my head,” said Don Rosenblum of Monsey. “These things are entirely arbitrary and designed to keep us in line.

This is perfectly normal.” The young man, a Jew of Sephardic descent said that he was not dressed in a disrespectful manner. “I was wearing pants a shirt with a collar and a kippah, the same way I dress when I go to my own shul to pray,” said Daniel Melamed, whose parents are from Syria, but he grew up in Monsey.

Rabbi Mohel plans to give herpes infection directly to male infants

Rabbi Mohel plans to give herpes infection directly to male infants

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach  Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a twisted way of accommodating the requirements of the New York State Department of Health, the Charedi Rabbis in Boro Park and Williamsburg have agreed to use small glass capillary tubes in drawing blood from bris milah but also plan to bring injections of live herpes virus to inject directly into the genitalia of young boys.

“The idea is to passively resist this needless chumrah being imposed on us by the goyish state,” Said Rabbi Mohel, who is famous for causing the death of three boys and the brain death of a dozen other male infants.

He claims “The herpes virus is just another part of hassidus we should all be happy to accept, like clandestine homosexual hookups in the mikveh.” Many followers were in agreement.

“Every child develops a rash over their whole bodies after their circumcision. Herpes is just another rite of passage for childhood,” said Frumkah Friedman of Fellowes Court in Williamsburgh, co-founder of the Fun Frum School for Female First Graders.

“Oy Vey!” Was the response of Doctor Hannoch Teitelbaum, from the Chassidic Health Department of the Satmar Rov. Upon hearing the rabbinical plans he clarified, “This is a great idea but it should be clandestine. How could he make such a public announcement in English?”

Other politicians were not so pleased with the plans. “We need our followers to be intellectually disabled so they don’t try to enter the real world, but there is a danger this plan could go way too far,” Said Rabbi Shlomoh Gardenhouse, founder and Gadol of Congregation Bais Mikvah of Monsey, a school that is internationally acclaimed for turning out the most illiterate graduates of any school on the East Coast. “Many of our talmudim [male students] have low iqs from natal herpes infections. The low IQ makes it impossible for them to leave, and often this is seen as the only way to make frum marriage bearable.” Garenchouse said. “Besides, it creates jobs for the community when these children have paid attendants funded by the state.”

Masbia, Ohel have final solution to pervasive problems

Masbia, Ohel have final solution to pervasive problems

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Masgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

In a special joint press release at the Asifa agains the Internet at citi Field the leaders of Masbia soup kitchens and Ohel Family Services announced a new method of controlling the Orthodox community, while eliminating the surplus population created by the rabbinical leadership.

Alexander Rappoport and Moishe Slimazel took the stage together and made the announcement that a new plan was in effect for the ubiquitious soup kitchen located in major Jewish communities throughout New York City. They were going to start adding genetically modified Riacin poison produced by Monsanto to the food at Masbia to eliminate the crowds of mentally ill who had overrun the soup kitchen, originally conceived as a nice place for families to eat in a restaurant.

 According to a paper handed out at the event, the Orthodox requirement of not using birth control had saddled a few generations of families with a lifetime of changing diapers on unwanted adult children with pervasive developmental disorders.

While it was a good boondoggle to wrench money from the government for their care, there were now more needs than the communities have the ability to care for. But the answer was simple.

“This is no difference from how we use so many other methods to defraud the nations which surround klal Yisroel for our personal benefit. In addition to eliminating the surplus expenses associated with all the unwanted and unwatched people, a generous pool of donors was taking out life insurance policies like crazy with the idea this is a new way to strike it rich,” Rapp said. Slimazel added, “Kol Yisroel areivim zeh leh zeh. We have to look out for each other's interest, even if it means murdering the most powerless amongst us."

"While this may sound new to some people, in fact, the community has long preyed off of people, just look at the millions pfilfered off the BT movement that have generously benefited our rabbis," Slimazel said. "Some of that even trickles down to people in need. It is proven by rabbonim, by repeating silly statements about inheritance people will eventually give up common sense with the hope an invisible man in the sky would reward generosity. We know it's a lie, but one that pays the party bureaucrats well."

 The genesis of the idea of eliminating the disabled population centered around an analysis that Masbia customers were no longer accepting services from Ohel and thus not benefiting klal Yisroel anymore. Apparently the idea came from an event during World War Two, when a nurse at a mental hospital poisoned several hundred mental patients to save them from working to death in a Nazi labor camp. Mark Weiskopf was completely exonerated in a tribunal when he said he saved the patients from a slow and painful death.

“We monetized the disabled to the enrichment of ourselves, and many Jewish people, but now there are too many disabled to profit anymore. I made my millions and I want out. We have no easier solution,” Slimazel said. “By controlling adults and forbidding them to use birth control, we created a surplus population of unwanted disabled adults that enabled us to charge the government a fortune providing diapers, medical care and food for them. Who would have imagined there would ever be too many,” Rapp said.

Yeshivot to add special class on molestation

Yeshivot to add special class on molestation
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Due to the outbreak of attention focussed on scandals surrounding Orthodox rabbis having illicit relations with students a new class has been added to rabbinical classes at a Brooklyn Yeshiva. The rabbis teaching ordination students at Yeshiva Chaim Berlin and Torah Vodaass have joined together to create a curriculum on childhood sexual molestation in the Orthodox community.

“As the preeminent schools for creating rabbinical leadership in the Orthodox world, we realize it is important to address this vital issue early on,” said Rabbi Wosner of Brooklyn, NY. “There are many important facets to this part of Orthodoxy that rabbis must be educated on.

“ Much to the surprise of many concerned parents this class is not going to be the same chillul hashem as The Awareness Center or other groups, Wosner said. Instead this group would educate rabbis. “Many old ideas are no longer applicable, like the supposition that a minor cannot testify in bait din, since they can now testify in secular court. Our class teaches newly minted rabbis how to find the neglected kids from dysfunctional families so there will never be any calls to justice to begin with,” Said Gedalia Schorr, a Monsey rabbi descended from the gadol hador of Torah Vodass, Rabbi Simcha Schorr. “Using tips from my father, I've personally molested more that 3,000 baalei teshuvah and not one has taken it further than the local mikveh. Avrahom Braun and me, we're like the dynamic duo compared with the menuval, Rabbi Tropper!” Schorr Said.

The celebratory tone didn't stop with the announcement. There was a five man band performing all the classic wedding tunes, with men holding hands and dancing in circles in the traditional manner, palm of hand on crotch area of the man next to him, in big circles of gay Israeli style dancing.

A recently revealed adult who says he was a victim of childhood sexual molestation also spoke at the commencement. Chaim Chalvner said he was raped regularly from the age of eight until bar mitzvah. “I was molested for five of the worst years of my life. Yet to silence me, they had their congregation bribe me for hundreds of thousands of dollars, mainly because I come from a wealthy family. Redistribution of wealth is an essential part of communism and what could be more redistributive than having more people receive bribes of silence?” He said.

“Many people don't realize however much molestation might go on, there is no homosexuality in the Orthodox community,” Wosner said. “In order to be considered gay, at least one partner must be a willing participant in an act. Since we victimize children against their will and they are not of legal age to testify in bait din, there is no legal homosexuality. It's the Achmedinajad argument all over again.”

A recent audit of major Hassidic and Ultra-Orthodox congregations by Agudath Israel confirmed a unanimous and complete absence of flamboyance, openly gay behavior, bright clothing or any typical gay behavior. “Except a few young boys had sexy high pitched voices,” the report noted.

Chabad-Lubavitch declares crisis as kollel numbers insufficient for coming crisis

Chabad-Lubavitch declares crisis as kollel numbers insufficient for coming crisis

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

A recent business analysis from the department of finance and acquisitions has place the entire Lubavitch community into a crisis as forecasts predict a shortage of available labor, thus endangering the entire organization.

The crisis began when a middle management bean counter came to the realization that the organization lacked sufficient reserves of employees for a high attrition role, and faced an inability to staff the money gathering positions around the globe in 2012.

Accountant-business manager and mathematician Paul Erdish saw a movie motze Shabbos kodesh parshas Leviticus and was shocked at the historical cataclysms predicted for the year 2012 and realized the organization was insufficiently prepared for the coming catastrophes that are the hallmark of the rebirth pains of the messiah.

Combining an old Christian theory that the messiah will come amongst great tragedy for the followers, and the Lubavitch theorem about Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson coming back to life as the Messiah at the apex of the Mayan Calendar predicting the end of the world in 2012, the idea spread through Crown Heights like wildfire. Even Rabbi Shalom Auslander agreed that when the world is reborn it, a larger number emissaries are necessary for ensuring enough survived to continue raising money after the recreation of society.

“The Rebbe went from a net worth of $10 million to more than $500 million when he realized each emissary sent back ten times the cost of setting him up in business. If we went public, Chabad-Lubavitch has a market valuation of $2 Billion. We need more emissaries carrying our message so that when civilization is eradicated, the primitive man that survives will know that one man was born, killed and after three days rose to heaven. They may get the name wrong or make a pagan religion out of it but the recreation of civilization will know the Messiah came, left and shall return,” Erdish said.

Part of the problem Auslander said, was documented in the book, The Rebbe, The Moshiach and the Plight of Orthodox Indiference. By David Berger. “We all know there are not enough people crazy enough to believe our system and sober enough to serve as believable clergy in the Christian sense of the word. This is a serious crisis, we must begin dispensing Prozac and finishing classes to our followers as soon as possible,” Auslander said.

“The famous quote in the Zohar teaches us many people will die at the end and we must prepare to sacrifice ourselves so our ideas can be perpetuated,even if it means the end of our religions,” said Rabbi Shalom Keller from his pulpit in the Australian Outback, as quoted in the latest issues of Emissary news.

“Most business models stress the important of running a lean operation but having amble back up for critical operations. The early sailing ships had twice as many sailors as needed to compensate for the high rate of attrition. Sure they sat around drunk, but the toughest ones got rich doing it,” Keller said.

Square Rebbe declares war of terror on nonbelievers, converts mikveh to zyklon b gas chambers

Square Rebbe declares war of terror on nonbelievers, converts mikveh to zyklon b gas chambers

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

The patriarch of the Hasidic community in New Square, Rabbi David Twesky has announced a new “War of Terror” against all non-believers who dare to give tithe to shuls other than his own and lethally condemned all Jewish people who pray at other synagogues outside of New Square. As part of the plan he is inviting all people from other area synagogues to come pray at his synagogue and use the New Square Mikvah before, while carefully converting the world-class bathing operation into a gas chamber featuring Zyklon B gas and using the nearby bakery ovens to reduce human remains to ashes.

The news announcement comes after a disturbing incident where a follower, Shaul Spitzer, acting on his own, but with implicit direction from the rebbe, caused burns on 50 percent of the body of Aron Rottenberg, a New Square resident and follower of the Rebbe who had been praying at a different synagogue for well over two weeks.

“I was just trying out something new, and now this,” Said Rottenberg. “I heard about this thing called Modernish Orthodox where people look more American and there was one just down the street. I merely wanted to see if they read from the same Torah as the Square Hassidim.”

According to the Grand Rebbe, this type of insubordination is totally unacceptable. In words echoing the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Long like the King Messiah, every man should think of his Rebbe as the King Messiah, and thus blindly obey.

“This mans presence at another shul show unwanted individual thinking, thus obviating the need for a trial,” Twersky said. “Following the lead of Presidents Bush, Obama and Der Furher, we tried him in absentia, convicted him, and sent a man to burn his house down, forcing him to move. Carrying the sentence out on his person was a unfortunate misdirection, but a result I am fully comfortable with.”

The trial and sentence were carried out by the Brown Shirts of New Square, often called Jihadists by the compassionate and loving members who welcome everyone with open arms and are never harsh or cruel with anyone.

“I think the guy had it coming, associating with Misnagdim, the historical enemy of the Heimish Frum world is verboten,” said Mendel Berger, a community leader and top scoring jihadist. He has presided over the largest number of attacks on infidels of any Squarer Hassidim.