Yeshiva to benefit Typhoon victims in Malaysia by helping themselves

Yeshiva to benefit Typhoon victims in Malaysia by helping themselves

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to MeshumadMeshuback.blogspot.com

In an attempt to alleviate the suffering in the aftermath of the largest tropical typhoon in history, the rabbis at Ohr somayach in Monsey are planning to buy a dozen houses for their children.

"In an attempt to reduce suffering in Malaysia, we agree to recite poems from the book of Psalms in unison with more than 100 students and complete study on a section from the Talmud that we are already studying anyways and we will assign all heavenly benefit from this activity to the people wrecked by disaster if we raise a million dollars," Said Rabbi Avrohom Braun, dean of students for the institution.

While there was an uproar of criticism from many circles for the cynicism of doing nothing while talking about how much they care, the defense of the top wise man at Ohr Somayach was able to quell the murmuring crowds.

Rabbi Simcha Schorr, the top, and only Yiddish lecturer at Ohr Somayach, and son of the actually famous Rabbi Gedalia Schorr presented his analysis to much applause.

"We all have a crop of children coming to marriageable age (the inner circle of rabbis at Ohr Somayach) and we need to buy them houses and set up their trust funds. The guilt our wealthy followers feel over the suffering couldn't come at a better time. This is no different than every year we prevent our check slaves from going to the Salute to Israel Day Parade by hosting a special day of learning. Instead of having fun they tithe and we get rich, this is how we think it should be," he said.

The rabbis at Ohr Somayach are not the only rabbis committing this type of fraud. Almost every synagogue in Monsey has a rabbi who has raise worth in the millions of dollars by asking his impoverished followers for "charity."

Although questionable, this ploy is perfectly legal since the yeshiva fraud is couched in convoluted rationalization, said area legal expert, Duvid Kaetz, Esq. "Take for example, my legal collections business. Through ploy and innuendo, I get people to pay. In turn the synagogue got me to pay out equally large sums. My rabbi is rich and I'm still not popular," He said.

Chabad-Lubavitch declares Communism role model

Chabad-Lubavitch declares Communism role model and sets minimum tithing and income for all true believers

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

The Rebbe grew up under communism and hated it, said it was oppressive. But, he went on to recreate the same organizational structure, but with him in control. Now, the Chabad bureaucracy is operated by a committee of aparatachiks in Crown Heights who have begun to openly embrace communism as the existing system for Chabad houses all over the world.

“The Communists in the Soviet Union made everyone act like they were happy about the leadership or else they put them in a gulag and worked them to death. This seemed to work well, so we convince people to attend our "houses" and then milk our followers until they are bankrupt at threat of cutting them off from their friends, community and way of life. When confronted with a contrived spiritual death, they find a way to pay more. What is the difference?” Said Chabad chief rabbi, Moshe Lehrman.

In addition to taking tithing from foolish people all over the globe, the money is then sent out to hangers on in Crown Heights and Rabbis all over the world in the form of a guaranteed income for all party members and aparatachiks.

When a newly minted emissary is sent off into the world he gets a subsistence funding to get a house, another house for his residence, and orders to start going through local residents until he finds people he can take advantage of. The good ones wind up owning mansions, and very wealthy, sometimes in the most unexpected places. Others have no character and struggle their whole lives. But at least they are there, said Avi Herman Cohen, the third assistant director of friends for emissaries in Brooklyn. "Look at me, all I do is arrange friends for the people working for the directors of the emissaries and I am making good money!" He said.

Aish to produce new film series called Insipid

Aish to produce new film series called Insipid

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to http://meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

The famous outreach machine of Rabbi Noah Weinberg is at it again, but this time with a fresh new approach that even has some of their critics smiling and supporting them. The folks at Aish are making yet another movie, titled 'Insipid.' The approach is time tried and true, try and sucker in the worrried well-to-do with an movie that helps them to feel at home with their fabulous wealth while simultaneously addressing their gut with feelings of guilt by saying the problem is they are not religious enough.

“The people love it because it takes their guilt off their tremendous wealth, and they pay us handsomely for the service, while we enslave them to obedience of us,” Said Rabbi Chaim Sampson, director of outreach and Scientology at the Upper West Side center. “Scientology uses a cross in their symbolism, thus making a huge gaping hole for us to take advantage of wealthy Jews who are averse to symbolism that involves a Cross.”

While their previous movies have exclusively shown people who were financially advantaged and implied that the normal culmination of that lifestyle is adopting the Aish rabbis as beneficiaries of their largess, the movie still managed to offend the people of Lakewood and Williamsburg with a portrayal of a married woman who makes a decision about her own life.

“Women should be barefoot and pregnant, popping babies for the rebbe, not sipping a latte while reading a book from Aish,” said Rabbi Aron Kotler, founder of Yeshiva Bath Medrash Jehova in Lakewood, NJ. “We resent any depiction of a woman making a decision, even if she is in a wig and a dress.”

Other critics say the new outreach program could be even worse, according to a marketing analysis by Aish.

“We target people financially advantaged enough to help us, so we portray the millionaire lifestyle as normal, same as advertisers on television shows like, Friends or LA Law. But now we are competing in a much more difficult market that has the rest of America in a severe decline. This is not going back to the golden age of mass marketing. This is the most challenging sales job in the history of Judaism.

The film, titled insipid, will portray mouth breathing morons who can think of nothing more fun than sittng in a dark, cold room eating raw food.

New signs in Meah Shaarim Deplore Work Ethic

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In light of removing the kollel exemption from the Israeli army draft, new signs have been posted at the entrance to the gated community in front of the Jersualem neighborhood of Meah Shaarim and their anti-work statements have been causing quite a stir.

The neighborhood was already famous for signs requesting that women wear a restrictive dress code and asking that no tourist groups come through, now they have signs in German declaring studying Torah makes a person observant while work makes people leave religion.

In a large metal letters on an arch across all entrances to the gated city are the German words, “Arbeit macht frei, Kollel mact frum.” The first half of that phrase was famously posted over the entrance to Nazi Labor internment camps during the 1930's and 1940's to make the gay, Gypsy, Jewish, and Communist people inside work even harder. However, residents of Meah Shaarim say they saw they have reclaimed and revitalized the phrase.

“I have never worked a day in my life and I don’t want my children to either. The only thing is the study of Torah,” said Rabbi Alter Klein of Meah Shaarim. “Working at a job is a sign of secularism and leads people off the path of study,” he said. "Besides, Moshiach is coming, and then all true Jews will be studying Torah while the goyim and fake Jews wait on us hand and foot. I know so because my Kiruv teacher taught me."

Many of the so called "normal" residents of Jerusalem think this is yet another sign that the frummies have lost their minds, with the frum sheep merely echoing another crazy drasha designed to keep them obeying and financially supporting the rabbis of Meah Shaarim.

“I worked year in and year out to grow this beard, and studied a lot also. Now I have my followers trained to think like children. I have been running out of innovations, and this should keep them so busy they never realize I’ve embarrassed them again,” Rabbi Klein said. "Also, My father, alav haShalom, worked hard to generate a trust fund so I don't have to work. This is the only respectable way to be Jewish."

“The people of that neighborhood have long been an eyesore in the area. This is no different,” said Mark Goldberg, who settled in the area because of his Jewish roots, but feels no compunction to keep up with the frummies. “All four of my grandparents died in the gas chambers during the Holocaust, and I find this latest move offensive, but that is also nothing new.”

Viznitzer Rebbe says “Don’t come here to daven, unless you have a jacket”

Viznitzer Rebbe says “Don’t come here to daven, unless you have a jacket”

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to http://MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a near riot last Tuesday night, a congregant was told to leave prayer services at the Vizhnizter minyan factory of Monsey. The Grand Viznitzer Rebbe of Monsey, Rabbi Mordechai Hager was walking with his entourage past a group of men davening in his Synagogue and stopped to tell the young man he should not pray there without a proper jacket and hat.

The synagogue, 1 million square foot prayer hall, has so many members that a minyan, or service starts every fifteen minutes through out the entire day. “This building was intended as a place for all men to come and express their thanks to the creator of the universe, but their prayers are not heard if their hat is the wrong type or if they only wear a yarmulke,” said a translation of the Rebbes drasha give during Shabbat the following Saturday.

Reactions to the announcements were varied. “I was turned away from the Vizhnitzer mikveh because the sign said ‘no one with a hairdo would be admitted,’ and I had not yet shaved my head,” said Don Rosenblum of Monsey. “These things are entirely arbitrary and designed to keep us in line.

This is perfectly normal.” The young man, a Jew of Sephardic descent said that he was not dressed in a disrespectful manner. “I was wearing pants a shirt with a collar and a kippah, the same way I dress when I go to my own shul to pray,” said Daniel Melamed, whose parents are from Syria, but he grew up in Monsey.

Rabbi Mohel plans to give herpes infection directly to male infants

Rabbi Mohel plans to give herpes infection directly to male infants

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach  Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a twisted way of accommodating the requirements of the New York State Department of Health, the Charedi Rabbis in Boro Park and Williamsburg have agreed to use small glass capillary tubes in drawing blood from bris milah but also plan to bring injections of live herpes virus to inject directly into the genitalia of young boys.

“The idea is to passively resist this needless chumrah being imposed on us by the goyish state,” Said Rabbi Mohel, who is famous for causing the death of three boys and the brain death of a dozen other male infants.

He claims “The herpes virus is just another part of hassidus we should all be happy to accept, like clandestine homosexual hookups in the mikveh.” Many followers were in agreement.

“Every child develops a rash over their whole bodies after their circumcision. Herpes is just another rite of passage for childhood,” said Frumkah Friedman of Fellowes Court in Williamsburgh, co-founder of the Fun Frum School for Female First Graders.

“Oy Vey!” Was the response of Doctor Hannoch Teitelbaum, from the Chassidic Health Department of the Satmar Rov. Upon hearing the rabbinical plans he clarified, “This is a great idea but it should be clandestine. How could he make such a public announcement in English?”

Other politicians were not so pleased with the plans. “We need our followers to be intellectually disabled so they don’t try to enter the real world, but there is a danger this plan could go way too far,” Said Rabbi Shlomoh Gardenhouse, founder and Gadol of Congregation Bais Mikvah of Monsey, a school that is internationally acclaimed for turning out the most illiterate graduates of any school on the East Coast. “Many of our talmudim [male students] have low iqs from natal herpes infections. The low IQ makes it impossible for them to leave, and often this is seen as the only way to make frum marriage bearable.” Garenchouse said. “Besides, it creates jobs for the community when these children have paid attendants funded by the state.”

Masbia, Ohel have final solution to pervasive problems

Masbia, Ohel have final solution to pervasive problems

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Masgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

In a special joint press release at the Asifa agains the Internet at citi Field the leaders of Masbia soup kitchens and Ohel Family Services announced a new method of controlling the Orthodox community, while eliminating the surplus population created by the rabbinical leadership.

Alexander Rappoport and Moishe Slimazel took the stage together and made the announcement that a new plan was in effect for the ubiquitious soup kitchen located in major Jewish communities throughout New York City. They were going to start adding genetically modified Riacin poison produced by Monsanto to the food at Masbia to eliminate the crowds of mentally ill who had overrun the soup kitchen, originally conceived as a nice place for families to eat in a restaurant.

 According to a paper handed out at the event, the Orthodox requirement of not using birth control had saddled a few generations of families with a lifetime of changing diapers on unwanted adult children with pervasive developmental disorders.

While it was a good boondoggle to wrench money from the government for their care, there were now more needs than the communities have the ability to care for. But the answer was simple.

“This is no difference from how we use so many other methods to defraud the nations which surround klal Yisroel for our personal benefit. In addition to eliminating the surplus expenses associated with all the unwanted and unwatched people, a generous pool of donors was taking out life insurance policies like crazy with the idea this is a new way to strike it rich,” Rapp said. Slimazel added, “Kol Yisroel areivim zeh leh zeh. We have to look out for each other's interest, even if it means murdering the most powerless amongst us."

"While this may sound new to some people, in fact, the community has long preyed off of people, just look at the millions pfilfered off the BT movement that have generously benefited our rabbis," Slimazel said. "Some of that even trickles down to people in need. It is proven by rabbonim, by repeating silly statements about inheritance people will eventually give up common sense with the hope an invisible man in the sky would reward generosity. We know it's a lie, but one that pays the party bureaucrats well."

 The genesis of the idea of eliminating the disabled population centered around an analysis that Masbia customers were no longer accepting services from Ohel and thus not benefiting klal Yisroel anymore. Apparently the idea came from an event during World War Two, when a nurse at a mental hospital poisoned several hundred mental patients to save them from working to death in a Nazi labor camp. Mark Weiskopf was completely exonerated in a tribunal when he said he saved the patients from a slow and painful death.

“We monetized the disabled to the enrichment of ourselves, and many Jewish people, but now there are too many disabled to profit anymore. I made my millions and I want out. We have no easier solution,” Slimazel said. “By controlling adults and forbidding them to use birth control, we created a surplus population of unwanted disabled adults that enabled us to charge the government a fortune providing diapers, medical care and food for them. Who would have imagined there would ever be too many,” Rapp said.