Rabbinical Council introduces new blessing for Themselves

Rabbinical Council introduces new blessing for Themselves

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

In a move the say the have calculated to increase honor for themselves, the members of theAgudath Israel Rabbinical board, the Motzes Gedolei Hatorah have introduced a new brocha into the public lexicon.

The blessing is hamotze gedolim min ha-am-haaretz and is calculated for ordinary humans and regular Jews to show the Motze board members the honor they deserve by reciting it when addressing one of the board members, or when board members enter the room, a spokesperson said.

“We’ve legislated informally for a long time that certain rabbis have achieved a level of recognition from the community that they deserve exceptional treatment. This will merely be a way to formally recognize the honor that we deserve as members,” said board chair Yaakov Perlow.

Other people have protested that Rabbis pretend that they are holy with black hats and long white beards but don’t deserve the honorary treatment that would accompany a rabbinically introduced brocha. Nonetheless, the board, claiming they are different, has downed the naysayers and started instituting the blessing.

Pundits and naysayers alike feel like this blessing should do nothing but good for the fundraising efforts of the board members since it will only increase the inferiority complex of people who come to speak to them and must kneel on one knee without bowing.

“We have started with a half folded laminated card that we will distribute as part of our next fundraising mailing and an awareness campaign in association with some of our subsidiary boards,” Said Rabbi Moshe Sherer, the late leader of Agudath Israel, as conjured in a séance by Rabbi Yaakov Perlow. “Since it isn't even me, but our deceased Torah sages, you can trust them more than me,” Perlow added.

Agudath Israel has already raised a million dollars from various donors to pay for advertising in all major Jewish areas and publication. In addition a corps of Lubavitcher kosher supervisors are being hired to escort the Gedolim everywhere, walk quiet and carry large sticks.

Although the thought of a swift whack seems repugnant to the typical person, a random interview of many men walking to work at the offices of B&H camera store received multiple confirmations that this would merely be a continuation of how they were treated as youths in their ultra-orthodox education up to the age of 19.

“As a continuation of the kiddusha of the rabbonim, it is my sincere hope and desire that this is also said for me soon,” Said Isaac Seanfeld, founder of the Vaad Hafotzas Chulent B'America. “I am sure that Shlomo would have the same thing said about him as well.”

Seanfeld went further to state that since Rabbis had taken over the tithing intended for the now defunct Temple in Jerusalem, he hoped to soon buy a home away from his current residence with his mother.

Marine Park Shul Prepares to accept new applications for club 612

Marine Park Shul Prepares to accept new applications for club 612

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

A shul in the Marine Park section of Brooklyn is opening its' own adjunct of a Brooklyn institution that has been around for generations, the famous club 612. As with religion and everything else, the Hasidim of Seagate and Borough Park bring further refinement to the world by introducing genetic counseling and a free loan club to your basic sex club orgy.

Called 612 because they exclude the commandment of adultery from the 613 commandments in the Torah, the group has very specific entry requirements for entry, including examination by a physician for diseases and donation of $20,000 to the free loan fund for members.

“We find that there are so many qualified applications from Marine Park that it is only natural that we extend membership to that area,” Said Nechiemia Waldmanstein, a founding member of the organization.

Other Hassidim had good things to say about the organization as well.

“There is such a lack of genetic diversity in the community, but also so much danger that our children will have Tay Sachs, or other genetic diseases, I find the groups policies to be such a source of comfort,” Said one man who would only be identified as Mordechai, son of David. “There is genetic counselingto say who can procreate with who and we strictly follow it,” he said

Membership includes several of the largest Rebbes in the area who saw the danger of sexual harassment lawsuits early on and opted for an organization that has a signed legal disclaimer up front.

“The Lubavitcher Rebbe might have gotten away with having a bed in his office on the pretense of studying Torah until very late at night but that only worked in the dark ages of litigation and would never pass muster today,” Said Rabbi Whore-a-wiyts, a big Talmud chachim and Jewish historian.

And others pro actively contradict some of the criticisms of the group.

“We are into fucking other mens wives only,” Said a big degenerate. “The group is mainly heterosexual. We excluded the Penislover Rebbe, whose yeshiva was closed because he used to fuck his students in the ass. I mean it is one thing to have a guy help you get ready for his wife, it is another thing to do it with another man to completion, although most of us tried at one point or another. But what are you supposed to do, when you're a fifteen-year-old boy in yeshiva with no relief in sight. As married men and leaders of congregations we don't have to live like that anymore,” Said rabbi Naftali Weiss, who has fathered over 40 children through the club outside of his wife.

And what of claims of religiousness?

“Most of us are officially atheists. As Hasidim we talk about God so much it becomes a meaningless abstraction anyhow,” Rabbi Weiss said. “It is so deeply ingrained in our culture that not believing has little to do with prayer or observance.”

Another kollel wife was also quick to defend the practices of club 612 as well as other afternoon activities of her and other wives.

“Sure it gets lonely when Moishe studies from 6 am to midnight. He's so religious he feels guilty about procreating, which is why I like to spend afternoons cuddling with Sarah next door. But Sarah won't give me more babies, will she?” Said Frummit Maklokes, an adjunct member of 612 whose husband has fathered two of their eight children.

Any walk down 15^th Avenue will show plenty of women walking together, if one knows what to look for, Mrs. Makklokes said. She said the opaque stockings and wigs are just a cover up for a promiscuous lifestyle. “If one knows what to look for, you can see who has been sleeping around. Just look for a wig that has the edge turned a little crooked showing they got dressed in no time flat, and you will have found yet another BP woman who has been taking in an afternoon delight” she said.

Second kashruth scandal erupts in Monsey, this time over fruit

Second kashruth scandal erupts in Monsey, this time over fruit
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini of Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Another scandal has erupted in the Orthodox community of Monsey, NY over the kashruth labeling of fruit in local groceries. Residents are in uproar over fruit under supervision of Rabbi Tzvi Jacobs that was labeled as pareve Yisroel.

“We are furious!” said Moshe Silberstein, a member of the Viznitzer Hassidim. “Parve Yisroel means that the fruit was picked by a Jew in a state of ritual purity. Having the name of Tzvi Jacobs means that no woman handled our bananas during her period!”

People were angry when they discovered the fruit was not from a secret Hassidic Jewish plantation but was actually picked by Mexican migrant laborers in California. The scandal was held back for a period of hours as the original gossips who knew were tracked down and threatened with expulsion if they shared, but one yenta let it slip while reading a shidduch for the rebbes grandson and the tide of news could not be contained any longer.

“They had a secret factory set up in Nyak, solely for removing the Chiquita stickers and putting on the ones that said 'Koysher parvah yisroel' from Rabbi Jacobs. First it was Shevachs chicken, and now this!” said a Monsey Kollel wife who chose to remain anonymous.
While many people can claim they escaped eating the treif chicken from Shevachs, it seems the fruit scandal has pervaded every corner, with almost no person left untouched.

“It was the most beautifully tasty fruit in five counties, I don't know a single person who didn't buy this fruit at one of the local stores,” said Mordechai Swiaticky, Rosh Yeshiva of Ohr Somayach and local Schnorrer.

The response in the mainstream news was incredulous and the television waves were again bombarded with images of frum Jews immersing their fruit bowls and paring knives in boiling water all over Rockland County and also nearby Kiryas Yoel.

The scandal seemed a repeat from a kashruth scandal that erupted over Shevachs chicken, which had the best tasting chicken in town but never seemed to order supplies from the kosher butcher company whose chicken they purportedly were selling. That scandal was discovered when an insomnolent Hassidic man observed a crane lifting the entire freezer off the ground, with the supervisors lock intact and a truck from Perdue Chicken unloading delicious breast meat that only cost a third as much as regular kosher chicken.

Before he fled town, Mr. Shevach was reported as saying the profit margins had been incredible and he had already paid off the mortgage on his mansion, a high-ranch, which is now back on the real-estate market.

“The amazing thing about the chicken was that everyone ate it, and loved how it tasted better than the frum chickn and nobody knew why. But this fruit really affected everyones' neshama in the way a chicken doesn't,” said Mordechai Tenovitch, Grandson of Moshe Tenovitch.

What Does My Name Mean?

What does my name mean?

An editorial column by Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Hi everyone! I have been getting lots of inquiries as of late, so I came to realize that you too may wonder, what does all the Hebew in my name stand for? Well, I am here to tell you.
Rabbi, is an old word, it means teacher or leader. Although lately people act like it means you should give them the Priestly tithing to live will without working, as if they were actually conducting the service in the demolished temple in Jerusalem. Of course we all know that is not true, but that is what rabbi means.

My first name, Lamech is after a biblical character. He was cousin to Cain. After Cain slew Abel, Lamech was out hunting in the woods. Of course, he was already old and partially blind so he was hunting with his son, who told him which way to point his bow and arrow. Apparently he was so strong and the bow was so big, that he was the only one who could hunt with it. His son saw a movement and told him to shoot, so he killed Cain. He was so upset at this he clapped, and that then killed his own firstborn son.

Then his wives wanted to divorce him to avoid the curse he brought on his household, but he then pointed out nobody would want to mess with him since he was cursed for seven generations for killing his cousin, but anyone who messed with him would be cursed for 77 generations.

In the yeshiva world it was considered an insult to call someone klutzy a Lamech.
Somayach is the Hebrew word for happiness. It is a pun on so many organizations that call themselves the source of happiness or the light. Of course I am pretty happy now, but I wasn't for a long time.

A Meshumad is one who has had the good fortune to fall away from religiousness and since the Haredim frown on any individuality, they consider this a bad thing. But you and I know otherwise.

A person who is worthy of praise is called a Meshubach, and in this case, what is more worthy of praise than bringing people to the truth of how their silly chumras are drivng them crazy.
When in yeshiva there are all the normal types of positions counterpart to what one might expect from a public school with a few additions or subtractions. The Mashgiach Ruchini is a patronage position and a general teaching position given to someone charged with giving inspirational talks about how all the lies are true and how pure the motives of the money grubbing blood suckers who run the place. Usually it is a person who cheers on the yeshiva and the whole system, not the other way around.

The name of the yeshiva where I am employed is Aishes Eish Hatorah and this is perhaps one of the greatest mixed metaphors of all. One of the largest sources of misinformation about Charedi Judaism is called Aish HaTorah, or Fire of the Torah. They wear an easy face but they really advocate an extremely restrictive millionaire lifestyle, since they are looking mainly for millionaire donors. The second half of the metaphor is a biblical term for adultery, Aishes Eish, or a married mans' woman. Of course this is one thing they don't advocate, but it makes for a nice contrast.

Reform Rabbis Forbid Visits To Monsey

Reform Rabbis Declare Monsey off limits to Jews

By Rabbi Lamech SomayachMeshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

Many Jews are in an uproar following a recent In a recent spate of declarations by various rabbis across the nation, as various cities have been declared off limits. The ban on visiting cities now means that many will have to undergo a pricely relocation their residence or else follow strict rules to stay in their current home.

While several prominent Orthodox rabbis have banned Miami, more surprisingly, the largest body of reform rabbis have correspondingly banned Monsey, NY, home to the orthodox rabbis who banned Miami.

“This is not a revenge banning,” Said Rabbi Fred Smith, a member of the council that issued the Monsey Ban.

While the original ban on Miami was based on the declarations that people on the beach were dressed immodestly, The Central Conference of American Rabbis, a Reform umbrella organization however has declared Monsey off-limits for other reasons. The ban on Monsey is based on an opinion that the Rabbis there behave immorally.

“The mandate of carry the message of ethics to the world has been abandoned in favor of ripping everyone off for tithing profits to religious institutions. This abandonment of Gods great and holy message has made Monsey and all businesses connected to that place a source of great spiritual danger. There is great risk for the people who go so far as to lay their eyes on a single fur hat, or a head that is full of lust for money and power,” Said Rabbi Harry K. Danziger, president of the Central Conference of American Rabbis, a Reform umbrella organization.

The proclamation read, in part: “Behold, we have found Charedi men who have given themselves to dishonesty in business and lust for money. We have found a place where rabbis consider themselves men of power who cover up for themselves and others to dwell with small children in lust and who hunger after money and power, and this is a desecration of Gods holy 26 letter name” began the proclamation that the Reform rabbis sent.

They also went into long length about the sin of using a religion to embarrass fellow Jews in public or to use rules designed to build people up as a way to strong-arm them into tithing or other forms of donations.

Quoting the words of the Chazon Ish, the great Haredi Rabbi who founded B'nei B'rak, the rabbis go on to point out how the entire city has become corrupted beyond redemption and the only solution is for people to voluntarily relocate to towns with little or no business and renew their reputations by living a simple life and avoiding the consumption of meat or dairy products.

The Reform Rabbis even copied the ban in Miami when the invoked the Babylonian Talmud in declaring anyone who voluntarily associated with such a place to be an evil man, saying that dishonest business practices in the town were so rampant that it was impossible to avert ones eyes, for even the menu prices in restaurants are 50 percent higher than in the delicious treifeleh goyish eateries.

Completing the ban were orderly numbered directions for extricating ones' business affairs and moving bank accounts to a more wasp oriented zip code, but included a suggestion of keeping ones affairs within the Reform Jewish community if possible. Not surprisingly it only made a mild allowances for anyone who would want to visit a sick or elderly parent or relative.

“History has shown that a complete disengagement is the only way to start the process of changes necessary for ethical living,” Danziger said. The Chazon Ish showed that in making a new town of Bnei Brak and we're doing it again 50 years later.”

The steps made allowances for the elderly to stay in their homes, although it said that children wouldn't have to visit their parents since it would be a sin; said that visiting sick parents there should be left up to women and not men, but said a man could visit his parents if he stayed off the main streets. The ban of Monsey concluded with a promise of everlasting salvation to people who were able to leave such an environment and locate elsewhere.

“This is just like Chemielnicky and the Cossack uprisings in Bershad, well at least they didn't kills us this time,” Said Rabbi Yaakov Rotenberg, the Salka Roov of Monsey, through a translater. The translator clarified that although Rabbi Rotenberg speaks perfect English, he refused to to so for “a schmuttzy blog like that of Rabbi Somayach.”

Kolko reinstated for celebration of Simchas Bais HaToeva

Kolko reinstated for celebration of Simchas Bais HaToeva at his old Yeshvia

Rabbi Yehudda Kolko is out of jail and rehired at Torah Temimah

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com


In a move that shocked many today, Rabbi Lipa Margolies re-instated Rabbi Yehudda Kolko at the yeshiva where he is accused of molesting little boys and then created a new celebration of that fact. The new holiday is called Simchas Bais Hatoevah at Torah Temimah, and Kolko will be in charge of the celebrations.

The pending incarceration of the rabbi and a pending lawsuit were not a deterrent to Rabbi Margolies, who said that recent allegations of child molestation could not be substantiated by people who were minors at the time since women and children are not valid witnesses in a Jewish court.

“If you know the law, you can always find an exception,” He said.

In demonstration of his renewed trust in Kolko, he announced that the rabbis new job title will be supervisor of the boys bathhouse where he will be in charge of the new annual celebration called Simchas Bais HaToeva, in English, the celebration in the house of abomination.

The celebration promises to be totally unlike Simchas Bais HaShoevah which occurs after Sukkus, and is based on the prayer for rain that marks the start of the rain and growing season in Israel, where it doesn't rain at all in the summer. Usually the men have big celebrations with men dancing and singing and drinking and eating while the women sit in the balcony and watch on.

In the Abomination festival things will be different. Margolies said he is going to have Kolko “in the mikveh getting naked with the boys making sure nothing funny goes on with those little perverts,” Margolies said. “The only way to put a stop to the cycle of rumours, is putting him on the council supervising modesty for the yeshiva and have him in a room alone with the boys to make sure it is ok.”

Reactions ranged from shock to celebration. “This is just another in a long series of outrages, but it could be good for business” said Jeffrey Herman, an attorney who says poised to make millions of dollars from his multiple suits filed on behalf of former victims of Kolko, some cases going back decades.

But many others were not shocked and actually were happy with the decision. For example, Harav Naftali Halberstam released a statement that “the daas Torah of Rabbi Kolko cannot be challenged by the apikorsus of a few children since they are not even admissible as witnesses in a religious court and are not considered viable humans under Talmudic law.

The opinion of Rabbi Halberstam supporting the unquestioned innocence of Rabbi Kolko based solely on Talmudic circumlucation was co-signed by over 35 Roshei Yeshiva from around Brooklyn, Monsey, Monroe, Jersualem and B’nei B’rak.

Other people were merely against the introduction of a new rabbinically ordained holiday. “We haven't had a a rabinically created holiday since 560 CE, when the composition of Talmud was completed. What makes him think they can start now just because they want to legitimize a little monkey business?” said Amnon Pizza, whose kosher dairy shop on 13th Avenue sells, oddly enough, Pizza.

Shlomo Carlebach declared first person resuscitated, Chabad concedes

Shlomo Carlebach declared first person resuscitated, Chabad concedes

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a turn of events that many call amazing, the Hassidic group, Chabad Lubovitch of Crown Heights has conceded to the members of the Carelbach Shul of Manhattan that it is possible that the first person brought back to life when the messiah comes will actually be Rabbi Schlomo Carlebach and not Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson of Crown Heights, Brooklyn, as they had previously claimed.

The unprecedented announcement came at the end of an all-night debate at the board meeting of the Motzes Gedolei Ha Torah, the ultra-orthodox organizing body founded by the Novominsker Rebbe in 1912. Originally it was supposed to be the quarterly board meeting but when a challenge came up, the answer came back from Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, the meeting chairman that the doors should be locked and nobody could leave until the question be settled for once and for all.

Even though the Lubovitchers are the single largest Hassidic group with more than a million members worldwide, the final decision came to a simple technicality on which neighborhood would be called “Ir Hacodesh,” or in English, the holy city, “which anyone could clearly see is Manhattan and not Brooklyn,” said Rabbi Moshe Sherer, president of the Agudath organization. Even more confusing was that Rabbi Sherer died on May 20 of 1998.

“We had to break out the Ouija Board to come to the final solution,” said Yaakov Perlow, current president. “It was tough getting everyones’ hands on the board amidst all the fighting but it happened.”

“This only proves that Shlomo Carlebach brough many people back to the Torah and his reward is to sing to all the Yidden as they roll in the ground back to Jerusalem,” said Rabbi Naftali Citron of the Carelbach Shul. “His style of prayer has become a worldwide standard and made it possible for many more to enjoy and participate.” This comment was thought to be in reference to the theory that all the dead people would roll from wherever they are to Jerusalem to be resuscitated.

In opposition the Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Kazen, founder of chabad.org said that “Carlebach was a nothing who died a pauper in comparision to the Lubavitcher Rebbe who sent schnorers all over the world who collected so much that the rebbe was worth more than $450 million when he died in 1993. Well, he didn't really die, he actually went into hiding.”

The decision is not considered a loss for lubavitch in anyway, according to a current lubavitcher leader,”Since the decision said very little about who gets to be the messiah once the two men are back. And we who live in Crown Heights have total faith that our founder, leader and lord will be our strength and leader in the next world,” said Chabad founder Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, as conjured by Rabbi Ariel Sokolovsky, founder of the RebbeGod blog. Rabbi Sokolovsky believes the Rebbe should be reffered to by the 26 letter name usually reserved for God himself.

“The debate of who would be the messiah has plagued the Jewish people for many many years. Every time something bad happens, everyone moans that this is the sign he is coming. I had a lot of pressure beind the scenes to bring some sort of conclusion to the war between these two most powerful and faithful groups. It doesn't really matter who if they could just stop scuffling,” Rabbi Perlow said.
After the decision was announced, there was some discussion of a nevua, or prophecy that said this might happen from one of the Lubavitcher followers.

“It was just like when the Alter Rebbe passed the mantel on to his son-in-law, there was a nevua then too, and everyone had to follow it,” Said Menachem Mendel Schneur Shem Tuv, a Chasiddic follower of the Rebbe.

Rabbi Abe Xylum, who has been around both groups for years said he was somewhat shocked that there would be a disagreement.

“Sure, the Lube jobs have brawls in their headquarters all the time. People watch it on their web cams. But Carlebach? That shuls most distinguishing characteristic is being the only weekday minyan that has every single adult male there saying kaddish. I wouldn't have think the stock brokers on the West Side would care that much. More power to them for the peaceful settlement,” he said.

The decision and peaceful conclusion has many ramifications besides just the cultural decision from the group. The Agudah is going to be administrating an educational trust to be paid for by the Stockbrokers from the Carlebach shul. The Carlebach Yartzheit Educational fund will be exclusively to pay for Chabad kids throughout the world.

Another point in the decision was that Carlebach was originally doing his kiruv work with Chabad and learned to do outreach from Rabbi Schneerson himself.

“This is also funny, since most Chabadniks take the success of Carlebach as an effront since he was originally working with the Lubavitcher Rabbi and not against him. I mean he was happy in Crown Heights until the Rebbe said he had to stop sleeping with all the young chicks throwing themselves at him. He was originally learning in Lakewood, but what has lakewood done, ever? It is the endless trap of the Torah student. They go in and never leave,” Rabbi Xylum said.