Parents Sitting Shiva for Newest Chumra

Parents Sitting Shiva for Newest Chumra

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Masgiach Ruchini
Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a move that has shocked the members of congregations around Brooklyn and the world, parents of boys in religious schools are finding new reasons to sit shiva that some find petty. Shiva, means seven and refers to the traditional seven day period of mourning for the dead in the past was restricted for people who weren actually deceased. In recent years its use has been expanded to include limited circumstances like when a child leaves the faith or, cuts off his side locks, called peyos, because some liken this to spiritual death. However, the same Rabbis who instituted the new form of shiva say the community has gone too far, and sits shiva for ideas that are too trivial.

Moshe Willinsky, an accountant and resident of Williamsburg said he felt it appropriate to perform kria and sit shiva when his son failed eighth grade algebra since he saw this meant his son would not be following in his footsteps into the accountant trade.

“I didn’t want this for little Yiddle. If he isn't an accountant he may have no choice but to become a begger or a schlepper in kollel. But mainly I just wanted all the attention of people visiting my home,” Willinsky said.

Ever since it became apparent he wasn’t able to pay for the new Torah day school and community mikveh, visits to the Wilinsky homes have been almost none. And the Willinsky family is representative of a whole new class of Hassidim who are happy to sacrifice their firstborn son to regain attention from their neighbors.

The winner of a straw-poll vote for the best explanation was from Yankel Villiams, owner of Speedvay repair service who is also currently sitting shiva for his son, Zalman.

“It seems there are so many Hassidim around today and so few ways to stand out, I just wanted the fellows at the minyan to come pay attention to me for a few mornings. If that is the only thing I can do to set myself apart, then so be it. I plan on eventual excommunication for all 12 of my children,” Villiams said.

Opinions amongst the members of the Gedolim were mixed, but mostly favorable.

“As usual, the Hassidim are happy with anything that increases divisiveness and keeps the followers too busy to question their leadership. I suppose this chumra, this ridiculous stringency is no worse than the microscopic bugs in the water.”Said Moshe Dovid Tendler, a professor emeritus at Yeshiva University, the most non-hassidic yeshiva in New York.

His opinion was mirrored by Rebbeim from the Hassidic dynasties on the other side of the fence.

“We have a work problem for our children because the number of followers is limited we can’t set up all our children with a stable retinue of subservient donors. The BT movement brought new people in, but this is a good way to mix up the existing followers to put our children in the business of being rabbeim,” Said Rabbi Baruch Shalom HaLevi Ashlag, as conjured via séance by the current Dzirka Rebbe.

But other people were not so blithe about dismissing things off the bat.

“This is a sad day, when people who are already will do almost anything for attention are willing to do this as well,” Said Pastor Jimm Folsell. “It is one thing to wear a heavy wool coat and hat in the summer heat, but child sacrifice was only intended for the Temple when it stood in the time of Jesus.”

“Just look at the book of Gedalia, he offered his daughter up to a sacrifice of thanks. There was a price, but he was able to get out of it and came out ahead in the long run. Don’t you wish you were mentioned in the bible, or at least a Jewish newspaper?” Said sales agent Aryeh Frankel. “Won’t your friends all envy you when they see your shiva on the top of the fold? You won’t have to answer your own phone, and the rabbi will come to your house to cover the mirrors!”

Mikveh Protest Arouses riots from thousands in Burro Park

Mikveh Protest Arouses riots from thousands in Burro Park

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

A protest last Wednesday by single Jewish men outside a Boro Park mikveh attracted hundreds of protestors and thousands of counter protesters and raised fear in the Charedi community of married men.

The single men were angry and protesting that the Orthodox Community doesn't allow dating and was refusing to help them get married, raising massive fear from the married men that their wives would not have sex with them in sympathy to the protestors because Orthodox Jewish law considers them filthy until they complete the required immersion in the ritual bath, or mikveh.

In a manner reminiscent of Christian groups that block access to abortion clinics, the protesting single men formed a human chain across the women's mikvah while chanting, “If we can't get any then you can't either!”

The married men were afraid the women would continue to avoid sex more than they already do in sympathy, when they would be unable to copulate with their husbands or other Jewish lovers.

“Why should my wife continue fucking our Shabbes goy but not me just because of a few stupid single men? If they can't get wealthy parents why should they even want to get married?” some of the counter protesters said.

The single men carried signs protesting shaddchan practices with slogans like “Can't anyone else get pussy without being wealthy first?” or “Can't we all just get it on?”

Meanwhile the married men were also in uproar and had signs that said things like: “I only get laid one week a month and you are going to take another day away from me?”

The protest was organized by Rabbi Moshe Gelbert of Midwood, a sextant in a midtown synagogue. Between chain and chain smoking cigarettes and screaming in the face of everyone he calmly explained how he was screwed over in the marriage game by an unscrupulous loblolly matchmaker, as were many of his friends.

“This protest is for every Jewish boy who suffered for years only to find he wasn't wealthy enough for the rabbis to help him marry.

Notably absent was Chananya Weissman, the Orthodox rabbi behind a different group protesting the same situation. He issued a press releaase on his website, endthemadness.org stating that although he has written and spoken very forcefully on the issues, he couldn't agree with a protest staged by reform Jews.

He gave no indication where he got the idea this was a protest of Reform Jews, a claim strongly disputed by every protester present.

“We don't even have a single kippah seruggah, here” said Gelbert, the groups organizer. However, a survey of the crowds revealed a dozen faces from the colloquium that Weissman held in Midwood during the winter of 2004.

Also present was MTV rock star and Chabad faceman Matisyahu, who managed to give a relevant Dvar torah in Broken Yiddish, despite having grown up a full-on secular American.

“He's progressing on the way to being an FFB very quickly,” said Moshe Grunfield of Crown Heights.

Matisyahu said “It says in parshas Mispotim that the early Israelite men were led astray by the Midianite women. But how can the Hassidic boys of Borro Park be led astray if they can't even attend my concerts to meet women?

“It is bad enough being a yeshiva bachur and your only relief comes from another bachur in the mens mikveh, but with no marriage in sight this is getting ridiculous. Doesn't happiness count anymore?” he said.

New Dating service for Chulent party

New Dating service for Chulent party

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

You may have heard about the dating service called It's just lunch. Well there is a new frum dating service that many are raving about that is centered around a classic Thursday night ritual called the Council for Grabbing Chulent of America. The site, called “It's Just Chulent,” is centered around matching up random people who attend a weekly party of chassidim who gather to socialize, talk Torah, drink beer and smoke.

Much like the busy professional people who go on lunch dates with other potential busy professionals, the site is geared towards attendees of a certain demographic, only partiers at this weekly all-night gathering are less busy than most professionals, instead they are seeking a city of refuge, says founder Rabbi Issac Chai Shon of Burro Park.

According to the web site information, the stated purpose of the group is “to provide traditional matchmaker services for attendees of the group since every is sleeping around with the other people there anyways.” This is in marked contrast to most orthodox yeshivot and congregations where the rabbis are the only ones getting any when they victimize their congregates and members.

Chulenteers get the address and password when attending the weekly gathering. If they pass out it is written on their foreheads with a sharpie. Then, Friday afternoon, they log in and put up their photo, profile and references. Navigating the site is simple with easy to follow icons replacing Yiddish, English, Hebrew or other languages.

“We had to borrow heavily from sign language and Esperanto, said the sites designer, who wishes to remain anonymous in his house of worship which is located on 16^th Avenue between 43 and 46^th Streets, on the left hand side in Burro Park. The designer also cited fears that people wouldn't trust a single male as the head of a large kashruth organization.

The result of the design is phenomenal, users declare.

“I can tell which men are into women, men or both just by the hand symbols, no languages needed. That's great since I am unable to read,” Said Rabbi Nosson Weisz, head of a Congregation Ahava Rabah of Burro Park. “They always love it when I do the penis in the chulent trick!”

Weisz said he is urging his entire congregation to join the site in an effort to simplify his job of satisfying congregants and he is not alone. A recent informal telephone survey of twenty four distinguished Jewish leaders showed unanimous support for making a frum place for people to go off the derech without all the goyim getting involved.

So far the site has led to a boon in an unrelated industry that nobody had expected. “The Rabbis who work as scribes” are cashing in on superstitious Hassidim who “think they need a Get after having intercourse while other people are watching,” said the mashgiasch for the chulent party.

Many people decry the extreme localization of the site, claiming atheists outside of the Manhattan area are getting shortchanged. But Rabbi Chai refuted those claims in a sweeping statement on Thursday, April first of this year.

“There are people who claim that ex-orthodox Jews live in Boston, Atlanta and even California but we all know the Rebbi told us the real Jews only live in Brooklyn!” he said. “The world is flat, and is not even 6,000 years old and single people can come here to us or can suffer in hell!”

Others disageed, saying things like “Isaac is a nut,” or alluded to his accepting funding from right wing Haredi groups so that he could one day move out from living with his mother, according to anonymous sources inside the Chulent party who didn't want to be identified on a Jewish blog.

“We all know Isaac is stuck in that plight of being over 40 and wanting a wife under 20 who will bear him 12 children. He has a lot of financial ground to make up. All the old frum farts get there some time or another,” Said a participant known only by the pseudonym Berel witzoberg.

“The genesis of the site came because so many people were having sex in the bathrooms of the Milinery Center Synagogue, and we just put it into action,” said Rabbi Xylum of the Chulent Party.

Seminary to offer child molester certification for rabbis

Seminary to offer child molester certification for rabbis

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

“We want our kids to have the same upbringing we did,” Said Moshe Karliner-Stanislov, a parent attending the PTA at a local yeshiva school. The parents were quite clear about wanting their Jewish traditions continued at a recent ceremony in the Brooklyn rabbinical school Torah Vodas. This was the idea behind a certification concerning pedophilia at the academy which gives a highly prized ordination and also teaches grades K to 12.

“Unfortunately, pedophilia has been going on as long as society has been around,” said Goldie Rosenberg, a social worker for a Satmar school. “This certification is a great step in the right direction.

The head director of Torah Vodas, Rabbi Yisroel Belsky, gave the address outlining the unofficial school position and why they were offering the endorsement.

“Many of the adults who graduated from this school have fond memories of a Rebbe or teacher who took them aside and showed them the secrets of this world as taken from the holy Shaas and they want that same advantage to their kids,” he said. “By offering a certification in regards to pedophilia, we can ensure everyone learns about sexual interactions at an early age and under proper supervision with their rebbe,” he said.

Another parent also relayed his own fond memories of Rabbi Belsky offering him a ride home and then taking him to the house of Rabbi Yehudda Kolko from nearby Yeshiva Torah Temimah for a little rabbinical-three-way sex.

“That day was the start of my life and the preparation I need for my Bar Mitzvah. It set me up for a lifetime of internal conflict which gave explosion to my book about chronic masturbation and made me a millionaire. If it weren't for my emotional problems I would not be the celebrity I am today,” said visiting Jewish writer Philip Roth.

An upcoming graduate of the ordination program gave a valedictorian where he went in depth with an explaining about the new outreach yeshivas and Chabad being very persistent in encouraging their students to go to the mikveh for spiritual purification.

“You know they discovered that old adage about the mivkeh being where all the dicks and assholes hang out when he limps into Kablat Shabbat during Lecha Dodi while holding his rear end and grimacing. They will never leave the religion at that point, and then they can start in on bulimia,” Said Rabbi Levi Kranz.

“The only thing that can make a man more dedicated, is an adult convert who has a bris with metzizah b'peh as an adult,” Said Kranz, in reference to a controversial form of child abuse that involves a rabbi putting his mouth on the penis of a newborn, that is sometimes done in a prayer hall, and sometimes in privacy in the rabbis study.

Rabbinical Council introduces new blessing for Themselves

Rabbinical Council introduces new blessing for Themselves

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

In a move the say the have calculated to increase honor for themselves, the members of theAgudath Israel Rabbinical board, the Motzes Gedolei Hatorah have introduced a new brocha into the public lexicon.

The blessing is hamotze gedolim min ha-am-haaretz and is calculated for ordinary humans and regular Jews to show the Motze board members the honor they deserve by reciting it when addressing one of the board members, or when board members enter the room, a spokesperson said.

“We’ve legislated informally for a long time that certain rabbis have achieved a level of recognition from the community that they deserve exceptional treatment. This will merely be a way to formally recognize the honor that we deserve as members,” said board chair Yaakov Perlow.

Other people have protested that Rabbis pretend that they are holy with black hats and long white beards but don’t deserve the honorary treatment that would accompany a rabbinically introduced brocha. Nonetheless, the board, claiming they are different, has downed the naysayers and started instituting the blessing.

Pundits and naysayers alike feel like this blessing should do nothing but good for the fundraising efforts of the board members since it will only increase the inferiority complex of people who come to speak to them and must kneel on one knee without bowing.

“We have started with a half folded laminated card that we will distribute as part of our next fundraising mailing and an awareness campaign in association with some of our subsidiary boards,” Said Rabbi Moshe Sherer, the late leader of Agudath Israel, as conjured in a séance by Rabbi Yaakov Perlow. “Since it isn't even me, but our deceased Torah sages, you can trust them more than me,” Perlow added.

Agudath Israel has already raised a million dollars from various donors to pay for advertising in all major Jewish areas and publication. In addition a corps of Lubavitcher kosher supervisors are being hired to escort the Gedolim everywhere, walk quiet and carry large sticks.

Although the thought of a swift whack seems repugnant to the typical person, a random interview of many men walking to work at the offices of B&H camera store received multiple confirmations that this would merely be a continuation of how they were treated as youths in their ultra-orthodox education up to the age of 19.

“As a continuation of the kiddusha of the rabbonim, it is my sincere hope and desire that this is also said for me soon,” Said Isaac Seanfeld, founder of the Vaad Hafotzas Chulent B'America. “I am sure that Shlomo would have the same thing said about him as well.”

Seanfeld went further to state that since Rabbis had taken over the tithing intended for the now defunct Temple in Jerusalem, he hoped to soon buy a home away from his current residence with his mother.

Marine Park Shul Prepares to accept new applications for club 612

Marine Park Shul Prepares to accept new applications for club 612

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

A shul in the Marine Park section of Brooklyn is opening its' own adjunct of a Brooklyn institution that has been around for generations, the famous club 612. As with religion and everything else, the Hasidim of Seagate and Borough Park bring further refinement to the world by introducing genetic counseling and a free loan club to your basic sex club orgy.

Called 612 because they exclude the commandment of adultery from the 613 commandments in the Torah, the group has very specific entry requirements for entry, including examination by a physician for diseases and donation of $20,000 to the free loan fund for members.

“We find that there are so many qualified applications from Marine Park that it is only natural that we extend membership to that area,” Said Nechiemia Waldmanstein, a founding member of the organization.

Other Hassidim had good things to say about the organization as well.

“There is such a lack of genetic diversity in the community, but also so much danger that our children will have Tay Sachs, or other genetic diseases, I find the groups policies to be such a source of comfort,” Said one man who would only be identified as Mordechai, son of David. “There is genetic counselingto say who can procreate with who and we strictly follow it,” he said

Membership includes several of the largest Rebbes in the area who saw the danger of sexual harassment lawsuits early on and opted for an organization that has a signed legal disclaimer up front.

“The Lubavitcher Rebbe might have gotten away with having a bed in his office on the pretense of studying Torah until very late at night but that only worked in the dark ages of litigation and would never pass muster today,” Said Rabbi Whore-a-wiyts, a big Talmud chachim and Jewish historian.

And others pro actively contradict some of the criticisms of the group.

“We are into fucking other mens wives only,” Said a big degenerate. “The group is mainly heterosexual. We excluded the Penislover Rebbe, whose yeshiva was closed because he used to fuck his students in the ass. I mean it is one thing to have a guy help you get ready for his wife, it is another thing to do it with another man to completion, although most of us tried at one point or another. But what are you supposed to do, when you're a fifteen-year-old boy in yeshiva with no relief in sight. As married men and leaders of congregations we don't have to live like that anymore,” Said rabbi Naftali Weiss, who has fathered over 40 children through the club outside of his wife.

And what of claims of religiousness?

“Most of us are officially atheists. As Hasidim we talk about God so much it becomes a meaningless abstraction anyhow,” Rabbi Weiss said. “It is so deeply ingrained in our culture that not believing has little to do with prayer or observance.”

Another kollel wife was also quick to defend the practices of club 612 as well as other afternoon activities of her and other wives.

“Sure it gets lonely when Moishe studies from 6 am to midnight. He's so religious he feels guilty about procreating, which is why I like to spend afternoons cuddling with Sarah next door. But Sarah won't give me more babies, will she?” Said Frummit Maklokes, an adjunct member of 612 whose husband has fathered two of their eight children.

Any walk down 15^th Avenue will show plenty of women walking together, if one knows what to look for, Mrs. Makklokes said. She said the opaque stockings and wigs are just a cover up for a promiscuous lifestyle. “If one knows what to look for, you can see who has been sleeping around. Just look for a wig that has the edge turned a little crooked showing they got dressed in no time flat, and you will have found yet another BP woman who has been taking in an afternoon delight” she said.

Second kashruth scandal erupts in Monsey, this time over fruit

Second kashruth scandal erupts in Monsey, this time over fruit
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini of Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Another scandal has erupted in the Orthodox community of Monsey, NY over the kashruth labeling of fruit in local groceries. Residents are in uproar over fruit under supervision of Rabbi Tzvi Jacobs that was labeled as pareve Yisroel.

“We are furious!” said Moshe Silberstein, a member of the Viznitzer Hassidim. “Parve Yisroel means that the fruit was picked by a Jew in a state of ritual purity. Having the name of Tzvi Jacobs means that no woman handled our bananas during her period!”

People were angry when they discovered the fruit was not from a secret Hassidic Jewish plantation but was actually picked by Mexican migrant laborers in California. The scandal was held back for a period of hours as the original gossips who knew were tracked down and threatened with expulsion if they shared, but one yenta let it slip while reading a shidduch for the rebbes grandson and the tide of news could not be contained any longer.

“They had a secret factory set up in Nyak, solely for removing the Chiquita stickers and putting on the ones that said 'Koysher parvah yisroel' from Rabbi Jacobs. First it was Shevachs chicken, and now this!” said a Monsey Kollel wife who chose to remain anonymous.
While many people can claim they escaped eating the treif chicken from Shevachs, it seems the fruit scandal has pervaded every corner, with almost no person left untouched.

“It was the most beautifully tasty fruit in five counties, I don't know a single person who didn't buy this fruit at one of the local stores,” said Mordechai Swiaticky, Rosh Yeshiva of Ohr Somayach and local Schnorrer.

The response in the mainstream news was incredulous and the television waves were again bombarded with images of frum Jews immersing their fruit bowls and paring knives in boiling water all over Rockland County and also nearby Kiryas Yoel.

The scandal seemed a repeat from a kashruth scandal that erupted over Shevachs chicken, which had the best tasting chicken in town but never seemed to order supplies from the kosher butcher company whose chicken they purportedly were selling. That scandal was discovered when an insomnolent Hassidic man observed a crane lifting the entire freezer off the ground, with the supervisors lock intact and a truck from Perdue Chicken unloading delicious breast meat that only cost a third as much as regular kosher chicken.

Before he fled town, Mr. Shevach was reported as saying the profit margins had been incredible and he had already paid off the mortgage on his mansion, a high-ranch, which is now back on the real-estate market.

“The amazing thing about the chicken was that everyone ate it, and loved how it tasted better than the frum chickn and nobody knew why. But this fruit really affected everyones' neshama in the way a chicken doesn't,” said Mordechai Tenovitch, Grandson of Moshe Tenovitch.