Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach -- Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Chabad-Lubavitch declares crisis as kollel numbers insufficient for coming crisis

2011-06-07T16:02:00.001-07:00

Chabad-Lubavitch declares crisis as kollel numbers insufficient for coming crisis

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

A recent business analysis from the department of finance and acquisitions has place the entire Lubavitch community into a crisis as forecasts predict a shortage of available labor, thus endangering the entire organization.

The crisis began when a middle management bean counter came to the realization that the organization lacked sufficient reserves of employees for a high attrition role, and faced an inability to staff the money gathering positions around the globe in 2012.

Accountant-business manager and mathematician Paul Erdish saw a movie motze Shabbos kodesh parshas Leviticus and was shocked at the historical cataclysms predicted for the year 2012 and realized the organization was insufficiently prepared for the coming catastrophes that are the hallmark of the rebirth pains of the messiah.

Combining an old Christian theory that the messiah will come amongst great tragedy for the followers, and the Lubavitch theorem about Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson coming back to life as the Messiah at the apex of the Mayan Calendar predicting the end of the world in 2012, the idea spread through Crown Heights like wildfire. Even Rabbi Shalom Auslander agreed that when the world is reborn it, a larger number emissaries are necessary for ensuring enough survived to continue raising money after the recreation of society.

“The Rebbe went from a net worth of $10 million to more than $500 million when he realized each emissary sent back ten times the cost of setting him up in business. If we went public, Chabad-Lubavitch has a market valuation of $2 Billion. We need more emissaries carrying our message so that when civilization is eradicated, the primitive man that survives will know that one man was born, killed and after three days rose to heaven. They may get the name wrong or make a pagan religion out of it but the recreation of civilization will know the Messiah came, left and shall return,” Erdish said.

Part of the problem Auslander said, was documented in the book, The Rebbe, The Moshiach and the Plight of Orthodox Indiference. By David Berger. “We all know there are not enough people crazy enough to believe our system and sober enough to serve as believable clergy in the Christian sense of the word. This is a serious crisis, we must begin dispensing Prozac and finishing classes to our followers as soon as possible,” Auslander said.

“The famous quote in the Zohar teaches us many people will die at the end and we must prepare to sacrifice ourselves so our ideas can be perpetuated,even if it means the end of our religions,” said Rabbi Shalom Keller from his pulpit in the Australian Outback, as quoted in the latest issues of Emissary news.

“Most business models stress the important of running a lean operation but having amble back up for critical operations. The early sailing ships had twice as many sailors as needed to compensate for the high rate of attrition. Sure they sat around drunk, but the toughest ones got rich doing it,” Keller said.

Square Rebbe declares war of terror on nonbelievers, converts mikveh to zyklon b gas chambers

2011-06-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

Square Rebbe declares war of terror on nonbelievers, converts mikveh to zyklon b gas chambers

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

The patriarch of the Hasidic community in New Square, Rabbi David Twesky has announced a new “War of Terror” against all non-believers who dare to give tithe to shuls other than his own and lethally condemned all Jewish people who pray at other synagogues outside of New Square. As part of the plan he is inviting all people from other area synagogues to come pray at his synagogue and use the New Square Mikvah before, while carefully converting the world-class bathing operation into a gas chamber featuring Zyklon B gas and using the nearby bakery ovens to reduce human remains to ashes.

The news announcement comes after a disturbing incident where a follower, Shaul Spitzer, acting on his own, but with implicit direction from the rebbe, caused burns on 50 percent of the body of Aron Rottenberg, a New Square resident and follower of the Rebbe who had been praying at a different synagogue for well over two weeks.

“I was just trying out something new, and now this,” Said Rottenberg. “I heard about this thing called Modernish Orthodox where people look more American and there was one just down the street. I merely wanted to see if they read from the same Torah as the Square Hassidim.”

According to the Grand Rebbe, this type of insubordination is totally unacceptable. In words echoing the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Long like the King Messiah, every man should think of his Rebbe as the King Messiah, and thus blindly obey.

“This mans presence at another shul show unwanted individual thinking, thus obviating the need for a trial,” Twersky said. “Following the lead of Presidents Bush, Obama and Der Furher, we tried him in absentia, convicted him, and sent a man to burn his house down, forcing him to move. Carrying the sentence out on his person was a unfortunate misdirection, but a result I am fully comfortable with.”

The trial and sentence were carried out by the Brown Shirts of New Square, often called Jihadists by the compassionate and loving members who welcome everyone with open arms and are never harsh or cruel with anyone.

“I think the guy had it coming, associating with Misnagdim, the historical enemy of the Heimish Frum world is verboten,” said Mendel Berger, a community leader and top scoring jihadist. He has presided over the largest number of attacks on infidels of any Squarer Hassidim.

Chabad-Lubavitch wins award from Amway

2011-06-02T11:17:00.000-07:00

Chabad-Lubavitch wins award from Amway

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

During the 2010 annual Awards dinner banquet at the Amway world headquarters in Ada, Michigan, there was a unique form of recognition given to Chabad-Lubavitch for their expansive international network. Jay Andel and Rich Devos got up in front of the crowd and declared their envy of the international Hassidic organization.

“We're rich, but they are rich and tax exempt. One day Amway will be up there with Scientology and Chabad,” Devos said. “Until then we use our tax havens, pay our taxes and get our customers to work for us as much as possible. But there is so much Amway could learn from this organization.”

A Shaliach, or emissary of the deceased rebbe was on hand to give an eloquent acceptance speech and ask for Amway members to think about Chabad-Lubavitch in their last will and testament and consider making their tithing to the organization.

“We don't ask for much, ten percent of your post tax, post cost of living expenses would not tax most people. We make it sound easy so that even people who are poor can donate and all those poor people eventually add up to as much as half of the donations of one rich person. Plus they all turn into sales people on their own right. This is a lesson Amway could learn from the occult,” Said Rabbi Shalom Ber Liberow, from Chabad of Western Michigan.

In an attempt to cudgel more donations, Rabbi Yosef Weingarten spiked the punch with pure grain alcohol, saying, “It worked with the college kids. Why not with these schmucks?” In his talk he motivated the sellers at Amway by sharing some of the techniques used by Chabad.

“Begin by catching people off guard and finding their weaknesses and then use that to manipulate the crowd. Usually they will be afraid of security for the future. Then you tell them how your product can solve that problem best. I always tell people why worry about retirement when they have no place in the imaginary world that doesn't exist? Then I promise them a seat with the dead guy upstairs! All for a low, low price.”

Then Andel, compared the techniques favorable to Amway motivational pamphlet #17-879.3, becoming your own best customer, page 447, where it says, “basically the same thing, except for the part about dosing your unsuspecting customer with large amounts of vodka.”

Jewish group announces new organization, National Alliance for the Mentally Well

2011-06-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

Jewish group announces new organization, National Alliance for the Mentally Well

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

The patriarch of the Monsey Community Outreach announced today that a new organization was afoot in Monsey and soon the world would be worshiping at the feet of Jews while they studied Talmud and the Messiah arrived. The National Alliance for the Mentally Well was announced by Mendel Hoffman Tuesday as a new support organization designed to bolster Orthodox influence while taking all the money intended to help sick people nationwide.

The new organization, patterned after the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, has a uniquely Jewish twist, because it is not designed to help people, only to collect money.

“We know that society at large suffers from the mental illness called secularism, and the religious life is the only way. Besides the religion is oppressive enough that most of us suffer from symptoms of PTSD, OCD and depression,” Hoffman said.

“We got all the school vouchers for the New York City. All. 100 percent. Now, we are taking the other money and putting it to use, lining the pockets of the rabbinate of Monsey!” Hoffman gleefully announced to the deafening cheers of a crowd of thousands of Hassidim and Ultra-Orthodox at a collaborative press release and sium in the Rockland county park.

As part of the celebration, the held during the three weeks of summer when the Orthodox are not allowed to eat meat, announcements were made, three old men held a celebration for completing the reading of a tractate of Mishnah and two thousand people ate free barbecue and drank beer in the summer heat. Monsey Community Outreach footed the bill with money allocated for helping adults with Downs Syndrome live independently.

“Even the name is a joke on the goyim,” Hoffman said, “Since everybody knows being frum causes mental illness. Where else can you find such a large group of people all afflicted with PTSD from childhood parental neglect and childhood sexual molestation, OCD from years of obsessing about molecules, contradictory kosher laws and a restrictive lifestyle that doesn't allow for basic health measures, any physical activity, freedom or happiness?”

“The funniest part, for us rabbis,” Hoffman said, “is we know the rules are a joke and we watch our Mexican caterers carry unboiled wine and bless Jesus while they pour a bracha for unsuspecting Hasidim. Then we laugh our ass off. This distresses our followers who then come to us with money, seeking a way to feel better.”

“Now we have an organization to help us use these people to defraud the government through this organization, even while we still collect tithing from them,” Hoffman said. “We already have tons of downs babies and that is a major source of wealth flowing into the community. Now we can start collecting on behalf of healthy normal-ish people as well.”

Queen of England visits Obama, stops in Crown Heights to visit red chair

2011-01-18T13:55:00.000-08:00

Queen of England visits Obama, stops in Crown Heights to visit red chair

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

During July of 2010, Elizabeth, the Queen of England came to New York and inspected her colonial holdings started by her grandfather, George III in 1690, including a personal meet and greet with her recently hired property managers, Barack and Michelle Obama. During that visit she also came to visit a red chair in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. The prayer seat that was formerly occupied by the Rebbe of Chabad-Lubavitch, Menachem Mendel Schneerson.

“It was just like how Grandpa described the old Brittish Empire,” she said. “People coming and going from all over the globe. At one point any petty citizen with a good reputation could find himself promoted to viceroy of an entire region. And it felt even more familiar since the rebbe and my family both claim descent from the ancient biblical King David.”

At first her highness said she found it somewhat unsettling to talk to an empty chair, but she soon came around, and began referencing the messianic redepmtion.

“It amazed me how much the Lubavitch talk of messianic redemption and our life in Windsor Palace. We have goyim wait on us hand and foot while we study the Talmud or do whatever we want, and people tell us how there are many sparks of godliness inside of us,” She said.

“Plus, the Rebbe loves us. He wants us to be happy and will arrange things from the grave, where he isn't really dead and help us to obtain our ever wish. She that lady over there, she kept two Shabbos in a row, and now she's going to have her first child at age fifty,” The Royal Queen said, perfectly parroting the old Chabad recruiting line.

The the queen went on to the most amazing revelation, that she had kept Shabbos for 40 years running. “Being of Royalty means that I never have to work, the last time I flicked a light switch was in 1961. All our meals are prepared, we never wear the same clothes twice,” Her highness said.

“I know the Rebbe hasn' worn any clothes since he died and his empire is larger, has Chabad houses in more provinces than the Brittish Empire in it's peak, but I heard he sent his suits to be dry cleaned and sometimes wore them weekly for as long as a year. I've never worn clothes twice,” she said.

The Queen went on to reference succession battles in various Hassidic sects and the divided state of Vihznitz, Satmar and Chernobyl Hassidim as proof. The Royal Family, already declared monarch over 32 countries is the organization to serve as legitimate messianic leadership over the world. But they are not above granting favors to other religious groups in a power sharing agreement, in exchange for obesiance. “Just look at England, with no separation between church and state. All yeshiva tuition is paid for from my national treasury,” She said.

New Organization demands equal treatment for Hassidim

2011-01-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

New Organization demands equal treatment for Hassidim

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Anyone walking along Williamsburg Street on a recent Friday would have glimpsed hundreds of Hassidim Jostling like pigeons to watch an overturned oil truck on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway as a part of their Oneg Shabbos. You would have also observed sundry goyim driving by and shouting various epithets at the Jews blocking traffic on the access road. This is the rational for a heimish new organization being formed in Brooklyn called the Society of People for the Ethical Treatment of Hassidim.

The group is a coordinating body between Williamsburg, Midwood and Boro Park. It’s purpose is to focus attention on the four areas in which the largest number of hassidim suffer most intensely for the longest time, minyan factories, shatnez laboratories, in the clothing trade and cleaning out leavening for passover.

A website for the group declared that PETH works through public education, cruelty investigations, research, animal rescue legislation, special events, celibacy involvement, and protest campaigns.

“I mean look at these poor suffering Hassidim, held slave to a million different myths and fears, half of them never getting laid and the other half giving their wives herpes from the prostitutes on Smith and South ninth streets,” Said Rabbi Pesach Feivel of Monsey. “Every time I go to the titty bar my girls tell me about another tragedy of the system. It is time we began to tell these Hassidim that we care, that they are people also,” he said.

“As of late, large number of protesters have found themselves in trouble with the various townships and councils for their uncompromising stands on Hassidic rights. For example, there are a large number of stringencies associated with the cleaning for passover, the festival of matzos that involve removing every crumb of leavened bread from a persons house. Clearly this is an unnecessary stringency for them to clean every last inch of their home,” Rabbi Feivel said.

The group website said that the training Hassidic children receive from age three to six is inhuman. It said “they suffer from extreme loneliness, boredom and frustration from the intellectual cages month after month.” The website claimed these children cannot speak for themselves and need PETH members to speak for them, and gave a range of suggestions, ranging from writing letters, to boycotts and marches.

Of course one of the biggest areas where help is needed is clothing, and the group was supporting the donation of cruelty free, drop dead georgous clothing for all kinds and sizes of clothing. It even had a skins trade section narrated by Pamela Anderson that would instruct women on the proper way to show some thong without even violating the ban on modest dress and behavior, by being aware of social norms.

One of the more interesting theoretical ideas on the site was the nude run through Williamsburg to show that that there can be modesty based on behavior, regardless of actual dress. The lecture included a video essay of fat old people casually conversing on a nudist beach.

The group was also seeking to overthrow the strict requirement and replace it with an easier way of observing the holidays. One option was to have a giant bunny deliver black socks to all the young boys and black stockings to all the little girls in Boro Park and Williamsburg.
The idea was masterminded by someone identified as Rabbi Paul Kook who said that he “Had no idea if this would be better but that at least it would be a change.”

Sephardim vote to make Flatbush Judenrein

2010-11-22T13:26:00.000-08:00

Sephardim vote to make Flatbush Judenrein

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Masgiach Ruchini
Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

A new war has been declared in Flatbush, but this one is not between the gentile ethnicities and the Jews. This war is between the Syrians and the Ashkenazi Jewish groups living in Brooklyn. The opening salvo began when the Syrians expanded their exclusion of converts to exclude Ashkenazi Jews.

German is not a Jewish language and all other Jews had no Jewish roots, the grand mufti declared on Wednesday. He further declared he wanted the area Jeudenrein, adopting the German term for an area that has been ethnically cleansed of Jewish people speaking German.

“Flatbush was given to us and not to them,” declared Fred Shakirge, the chief rabbi and grand mufti of the diaspora Syrian Jewish community. He went on to compare the Ashkenazi confusion of Poland with the term Po – Len, here to them, in Hebrew. Flatbush has a similar meaning in the Syrian dialect of Farsi that an Ashkenazi Jew would never know.

“We want these Kuzaris out of here,” Shakirge said. “It is declared in the Talmud how mass conversions will bring a curse on the Jewish people. The results are self-evident when we have fools walking around in the summer heat wearing heavy wool outfits and fur hats as if they were in the coldest Siberian winter.”

The contempt Shakirge expresed for white Jews was not constrained to inappropriate clothing choices, he also attacked ridiculous chumra like a prohibition on rice based on flour bags being used for rice in a previous century.

“The core of the problem with them [Askenazis] is that they are using superficial aspects of the religion to afflict people in ridiculous ways. We find a single issue, completely torment people on the one point and they can do what they want the rest of the time,” he said.

“After the movie Syriana came out, we knew Syrian Jews have a special connection to the elite ruling class in America. We have what they want,” Shakirge said. “The people in the movie they have oil, but that is nothing compared with Syrians being the chosen people.”

Sebi Lenihan, a professor of Jewish history at Carnegie Melon university agreed, offering supporting evidence commonly known from history. “After their expulsion from Yemen in 1948 we found the Jews from that region were speaking the language of King Solomon, living as itinerant sheepherders, peeing in latrines and they all had direct lineage to the King. The closest King these other Jews can claim connection to is in the 60's they were marching with Martin Luther King. Not quite the same thing.”

Review of Masbia Soup Kitchen

2010-11-07T12:40:00.000-08:00

Masbia

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchin, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Any reader of food porn in NYC knows that soup kitchens exist to provide sustenance to prevent the lowest rung of society from starving, then rising up to reconquer the ruling class, until now. The opening of Masbia soup kitchens in Boro Park, Williamsburgh and Midwood feed patrons with a level of luxury rarely experienced at any price, and until now, never for free.

The culinary experience is never just the food. The experience, the atmosphere and the staff can make medium food great and can bring a fabulous meal from the peak of quality to the depths of mediocrity. Masbia excels on both accounts. Unlike other religious groups that subject hungry people to long lectures of questionable logic before they are allowed to eat, Masbia only requires one to sign in and take a seat at a table by oneself. Then the staff brings out the delicious entree of the day, usually chicken leg quarters with barley soup and farfel.

At many restaurants it would be considered a problem to have the same menu for every day of the week for years on end, but not in an Orthodox Jewish restaurant. The reasoning is only logical to a person involved in that religion.

“We never want to change anything,” Said Moshe, the Kollel Jungerman who is beginning to explore the world of work by volunteering at Masbia. At the ripe age of 28 he now has his first part-time job.
“The ancient world treated women badly, so do we. The rabbis in post world war two had chicken and chulent every single week, so do we. The ancient progenitors of Judaism worshipped idols and we have photos of rabbis on the walls of our homes and synagogues. Therefore we have had the same menu every day for three years running.”

The restaurant doesn't resemble a soup kitchen in another way, it is decked out as if it were a fancy restaurant, with subdued lighting, formal behavior and waiters who bring the patrons dinner, bottles of seltzer water and the ubiquitous plate of NY pickles and sauerkraut. Instead of a mechitza dividing between the various patrons and genders eating at the restaurant, there are potted rubber plants, so it barely looks like there is a divider, it merely resembles a poor job of decorating.

However one Orthodox tradition is still very strong in this restaurant, as became obvious when this reviewer ate at the Masbia on Coney Island Avenue. A Jewish woman came in to eat because she was poor. She got her food, and an earful as the manager refused to stop berating her for the entire meal because she came to eat wearing pants. It seems that even free food comes with a price that must be extracted, whether it is in blood, flesh or money.

And this brings up the underlying fault of an enterprise of this nature. In it's essence it is communism at the worst form. The wealthy business owners of Boro Park skim millions off the Jewish community and the people of greater New York and in return they give pack pennies in the form of free food to those willing to undergo humiliation and dress a certain way for it. Then they boast they are not the only ones living well, look at this store they set up to help the people living like them, but without the money. The deepest irony is using all the money to have very large families and then neglecting the children and sending them off to me molested by yeshiva rabbis.

This deception of inequality is the root of the problem. Here exists a group of extremely wealthy individuals ignoring the extreme hardship they are causing in the people around them, or laughing at it and justifying the inequality by humiliation, and using it as a tool of indoctrination to further enslave those around them it is no longer charity. It is just another cog in the giant Orthodox propaganda machine that serves to increase the workforce of people willing to accept less pay and health benefits so the wealthy business owners can earn even more outsize profits. Why, you may ask? Because it says so somewhere in the bible, even though nobody can figure out where, because the bible never says any of that.

Yes the biggest Baal Tzedakah of Monsey sucks his fortune out of the community by way of renting commercial real estate at top dollar, causing the Jewish retailers to charge top dollar. The biggest fraudster sold treif chickens as kosher and still gives his weekly Torah lecture, only now he is retired in Jerusalem instead of Monsey.

Orthodox Judaism is a giant Ponzi scheme justified by the phrase, you just don't understand, yet. The charity is really a form of wealth transfer business, supporting people who provide “services” to the poor. But if a person is really hungry and happens to own the right type of hat or Yarmulke, it's not such bad place to boost your triglyceride fat levels for a few hours.

The casualty on your heart arteries is worse than a pogrom the National Socialist Workers Party would envy, and it won't leave you all constipated the way Passover Matzoh will. But the propaganda value would make Joesph Goebbels proud.

Postville Iowa Chulent and immigrants

2010-10-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

Postville, Iowa Chulent Made from undocumented immigrants

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

Many complaints have come across the desk of kosher supervisors across the nation and across the world that chulent has not been tasting as good as it did in the past. After an extensive investigation, the nation's largest Kosher supervision organization has found the answer with the most shocking reasons. It is all tied to the arrest of Shalom Rubashkin and the kosher slaughterhouse in Postville, Iowa.

In a prison cell revelation, Shalom Rubaskin has revealed that he was using undocumented immigrants in the production of Rubaskins Chulent. Everyone knows he hired people without papers, but we are just discovering they were also the secret ingredient that made Rubashkins chulent the best of all brands available in the kosher grocery.

“Humans eat the finest staples of wheat, high fructose corn syrup and aspartame of any animal,” Rubashkin said. “We all learn in cheder [elementary school] how [gentiles] are not really human, lacking the highest part of the neshama (soul), and also human meat is fed the finest grain,” Rubashkin announced at a press conference held in the prison shower room at the point of a highly sharpened butter knife.

But he also offered the apology to “Vinny the knife”. “But I am sure you have a very nice soul and the Ribono shel olam has a place reserved for you in the front row of the world to come,” Rubashkin said. The whole event was caught on the security camera where the prison security officer captured it on the computer, and uploaded it to youtube.com under the screen name, Ny'sboldest.

A series of scientific studies carried out independently across the nation found that in older frozen chulent packages, indeed the hemoglobin on the meat was in fact of Hispanic origin with fat and lean muscle ratios consistent with a diet based on Mcdonald's and Pizza Hut. However it also discovered the more recent frozen chulent packages only contained the meat of animals like cows, chickens, cats dogs and pork.

The Kosher supervision body of note issued a ruling that since the delicious chulent was no longer available no further action was necessary. In a posthumous psak din, Rabbi Harold I Scharfman spoke from his grave in Los Angeles and said, “Human meat is more of a delicacy than monkey or Genie. Besides, this gives valuable employment opportunities to all the surplus populations around the world.”

Chabad makes special chulent

2010-10-19T22:00:00.000-07:00

Chabad at 770 makes special chulent of people from all over the world

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Chulent is often considered the best stew on planet Earth. A mixture of beans and seasoning and meats, served piping hot, it is delicious. Everyone knows the Hassidic world has the best chulent to be found anywhere. Only recently have events in Postville, Iowa began to reveal why. Of course, the best chulent in all Hassidim is found in Crown Heights at the Rebbe's shul, 770 Eastern Parkway. Documents revealed during bankruptcy filings related to Chabad have finally revealed why having an international network can result in the best chulent ever made.

A higher up in the Chabad administration filed bankruptcy to avoid paying child support to his third wife and their twelve children and an astute lawyer was accidentally given access to records from his work where it was revealed Chabad was using it's international network of followers to recruit dedicated Lubvitchers from around the world to serve in the Rebbe's chulent as the most delectable ingredient.

“We sent emissaries to the third and fourth world where the people know human meat is the most delectable sustenance there is. It didn't take a lot of thinking to realize that we had an endless supply of people willing to do anything up to giving up their life for our religious fiction. It was a natural conclusion to include them in the meal,” Said Moshe Hertz, a senior handler for guests to Crown Heights.

Documents reveal extensive communications between employees in Brooklyn and the thousands of Chabad houses around the world coordinating who has their papers in order before travelling to Brooklyn, and who has not yet written Chabad-Lubavitch into their will yet. Emissaries make sure the person will not be missed and around suspicion before allowing them to visit New York and make the ultimate sacrifice for the Rebbe.

“When the rebbe took over Chabad he was worth $10 million. With his business acumen he realized every emissaries sent out sent back ten times as much as he cost and the rebbe died with a net worth of $500 million,” Hertz said. “What makes you think the apparatchiks in Crown Heights limited themselves to the luxuries money can buy?”

As further proof, Hertz, brought up the movie, Sweeny Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, where a restauranteur became immensely wealthy by serving up the most delicious pies, fully of the best meat available to man, human meat.

Isaac Schonfeld, a Lubavitcher living in Boro Park has hosted a Chulent party every Thursday for the past ten years, a place where people stay up until sunrise drinking and smoking their way to varying parts of oblivion. However his Chulent has no meat.

“We are dealing with a varying crowd and it is highly likely someone would leave my party and drink milk after eating chulent, so we don't use any meat at the Chulent party,” He said.

This was in contradiction of a ruling handed down by the Rosh Yeshiva Aaron Kotler, at Bais Midrash Jehovia, in Lakewood, New Jersey.

“Deorisa [from the Torah], human meat is not meat, it is not necessary to wait 3 minutes before having milk. However if it is in a chulent there is a possibility a person might confuse it with meat from a cow or pig,so it is necessary to wait, but only as a fence around the laws, not as a law itself,” Kotler said.

Hertz was dismissive, saying Schonfeld didn't have a very large fan base yet. “Just joining in with Chabad Lubavitch gives rabbis a connection to an already built fan base of millions. We are the single largest Jewish organization in the world, with followers to spare. With all these extra people to waste, we do.”

Troppper - If I did it

2010-09-02T14:31:00.000-07:00

Tropper releases new memoir called If I Did It

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach, Meshumad Meshubach
Masgiach Ruchini, Yehsiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

Rabbi Leib Tropper of Monsey, New York had branched out of the Hebrew language world to release a memoirs of how he eliminated the perceived competition of Rabbi Mordechai Tendler, called If I did It. In this tell-all memoirs Tropper details how he became a millionaire and then used his money and influence to ruin the career of another rabbi by falsified claims and using his social influence.

Tropper starts out with the usual rabbinical story of constantly repeating claims of poverty while raking in hundreds of thousands in donations from wealthy donors to help the poor suffering students, then keeping the money for himself, tax exempt.

He details how he then convinced the Rabbinical councils in Jerusalem to give him almost sole authority in granting conversions that would be accepted in Israel before beginning a slander campaign against Tendler, discrediting him in the eyes of his followers.

“I couldn't believe the unnamed flyers and spreading rumors to a few key gossips could be so effective,” Tropper says in his book. “Then when I was approached by Adina Mermelstein, it was amazing. I couldn't believe such a sweety feel into our laps”.

Tropper goes into depth about the system of using crazy people as weapons in Monsey. “You just know this crazy is going to be hard to handle. Sending them to Tendlers shul guarantees he will be so busy putting out fires that he will neglect everything else.”

He details encountering a sick woman looking for some help with her years of hospitalization for her mental problems and just showering her with love until she would do anything he asked her, then feeding her romantic fantasies about Tendler.

“I just squeezed her and watched her guts spill out all over floor,” he said, regarding how Mermelstein's condition degraded seriously with his manipulation. After a year of floating around Tendlers' shul and alienating the fuck out of everyone, “she was ready for the final stage,” he said.

In the book Tropper details how he had a lawyer in his congregation draw up and file a lawsuit filled with the most crazy allegations he could think up, knowing it would never need to go to trial or be based in fact.

“This schtuss, [shit] we made up, we couldn't believe it, and now everyone in Monsey thinks this guy is some sort of monster! It's wonderful,” Tropper said in a press conference. “He wouldn't touch this poor sick girl, but was nice enough to let her attend his congregation, and that was all we needed. Tendler is one of the nicest people in all of Monsey, but as competition he had to be eliminated.”

New real estate investment opportunities to support yeshivas

2010-08-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

Rabbi Tropper announces new real estate investment opportunities to support yeshivas

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

A rabbi at an Orthodox Outreach organization in Monsey has announced a new investment opportunity that has many Orthodox Jews licking their lips like it was the blood of Christian babies. The real estate investment trust is being promoted as the biggest profit making opportunity since Goldman Sachs introduced mortgage fraud based equities.

Rabbi Lieb Tropper announced that since he lost power in Kol Yaakov his donation revenue has been declining precipitously. So he is using his last non-porofit entity, Horizons to launch a fraud ponzi corporation that will raise money like the world has never seen. The announcement was made last night at his annual money grubbing dinner held at Monsey wedding hall.

“After years of working with Rabbi Lieb Pinter and developing the expertise few people have in the field of mortgages, fraud, organized crime and racketeering, this program will be the climax of my career, the deal that I can retire on.,” Tropper said.

The idea was to build factories in places where cheap labor is available, near shipping. Tropper said he will build a factory in Africa to manufacture luxury houses, employing children who are homeless and willing to work for a cup of rice a day.

“We'll build near a diamond mine to take advantage of existing infrastructure,” he said.

The plan does not stop at manufacturing homes. Tropper said the plan included, “assembling luxury homes all over Statan Island and middle America, and insuring them all.”

“Don't worry about a supposed luxury housing glut,” Tropper said. “All the houses will have a built in wiring defect. After we over-value the lot, they will all burn up, resulting in the largest fire insurance payout in history!”

The idea was well received in Monsey. According to Mendel Hoffman, Monsey Community Newspaper editor, “This is important to the Monsey Community, since yeshiva fraud funds the lines of credit for all local businesses, from dry goods stores to heroin importers, to car salesmen. “

Hoffman went on to describe a billion-dollar “community trust” that will provide for enhanced socialism for all Orthodox currently living in Monsey. “This will provide for Tropper now that the elders of the community have voted that he must move out of town. It will ensure we all get taken care of and when he takes the fall, if it comes to that, well, he will get three hot meals a day and have lots of time to study Talmud over in Sing Sing,” Hoffman said.

And for people who live in nearby Ramapo or Spring Valley? “Those people are not part of our community, but they are eligible if they can find ten people in Monsey willing to sign them into the trust,” Hoffman said.

When the topic of fraud being illegal was mentioned, Tropper was not put off. “We'll do the whole boondoggle through the Rabbinical Court, the Bait Din, and the FBI can't read Hebrew so it won't be an issue with them.”

Bruno, a movie that teaches more than you think

2009-12-23T23:23:00.000-08:00

Bruno, a movie that teaches more than you think

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Sasha Baron Cohen opens his latest movie with the character having a sexual escapade with his midget latino lover that included pouring champagne while using the rectum of his boyfriend as a bottle holder and putting giant 20 foot springs on an overstuffed leather rolling office chair to propel him into anal sex in a comic book fashion. The movie is an artistic success despite not splashing big into the box office.

You are probably wondering how an Orthodox Rabbi would know anything about the current cinema, since, “everybody knows” the Orthodox don't go to movies. That saying is only partially right. A Jewish man in beard and black suit would never be seen in line to a public movie theater. The high admission charge, the questionable kashruth on the pop corn, the questionable content in the movies. No, Orthodox men do not go to movies.

Instead, we download them from the pirate web sites using the free internet access we pilfer from the non-Jewish neighbors and watch the movies on our computers, burn them onto blank DVDs and share it with our “business companions.”

In the beginning we are shown the decadent celebrity life led by Bruno with fashion shows and celebrities. He loses his job and goes on a quest to regain his celebrity status, in the meanwhile hoodwinking many average Americans who don't know they are part of a movie. Because almost everyone has heard about Cohen's characters he had to dig deep to find people to fool. Luckily there are places like Missisisppi and Oklahoma and politicians like Ron Paul, whom he tries to seduce under the auspices of confused identity, he thought he was scoring sex with the Transsexual musician Rupaul.

The best part of this is a test screening of his television show that features him dancing first in only a thong and then naked, followed by a CGI of his penis dancing and shouting his name, “Bruno!” The test audience is completely offended and walks out.

After a case of confusion where the employees of a hotel are confronted with trying to unlock Bruno from a bondage position with his assistant the two men are left to limp their way, still conjoined to a locksmith, until a police officer board the bus and wants to know why two naked men are chained together in a thong with a racoon tail the assistant leaves him.

Bruno sees a rural souther preacher who has a history of converting gays and then goes to a private home for a gang-bang. While all the other couples have an ordinary men and women Bruno brings a freaky looking dominatrix with DD silicon, tattoos all around her waist and dual nipple piercings. While the others have sex, Bruno goes around and stares deeply and romantically in the mens' eyes until the dominatrix grabs him with a whip and he goes out a window and into the night.

Finally Bruno things his ticket to fame is to take up an issue. Since Darfur has always been taken, he asks the audience where is Dar-five. He flies to to the African continent and trades his iPod for a small child and gives the baby boy a name he thinks is African, OJ. There is a long scene where he interviews parents about using their children in a photo shoot involving dangerous machinery, sharp knives, dangerous animals and insects. This is the third scene in the movie where theater is completely silent. No raucous laughter.

He takes little OJ on a talk show, Today With Richard Bey where the all black audience is outraged to see a gay white man raising a black baby. This is where I started to catch on to what Cohen was doing with his movie. While we were laughing at the stupid bystanders he seduced in his first big movie about prejudice, this movie shows us something so ridiculous we don't laugh. The audience gets a taste of the experience the people in the Ali G show and in the movie Borat. The silence in the audience is because people are too disgusted.

Of course he ends the movie on a hilarious note, when he holds a match in the Ultimate Fighting Arena in Oklahoma with a bunch of beer drinking red necks who think they are attending Straight Dave's Fight Night. Their reactions are great when someone in the audience calls the host a faggot, climbs into the ring as if the two are going to fight. It turns out to be Bruno's long lost assistant, and instead of the anticipated fight, the two men begin making out and taking off each other's clothes. The red necks begin throwing things, pelting the cage with bottles of beer and one man hits himself on the head in shock.

The movie is Cohen's third, and probably his last. His three characters and they too well known to fool people again. But don't discount the genius of Cohen to come up with something new and surprising. The movie puts the audience in the position of the people they were laughing at moments before. In his crusade against prejudice Sasha Cohen breaks new ground both by campaigning for gay rights and exposing audiences to their own hypocrisy. The message is clear, we all need to grow up andl earn to accept one another.

Satmar announces number one award for growth

2009-09-12T12:52:00.000-07:00

Satmar spokesman announces CDC number one award for growth

By Rabbi Lamech Somach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

The Hassidic group Satmar held a press conference announcing they won an achievement
award for outstanding progress from the government of the United States, announced Mordechai Teitelbaum, spokesperson for the grand Rebbe based out of the Williamsburg neighborhood in Brooklyn. “Our organizational goal has been to produce as many children as possible and now we are the dominant religious block in New York, and this only validates our existence. We have every appearance of success,” Teitelbaum said.

Although the announcement was heralded as proof of success, the “recognition” was actually a report from the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta regarding large amounts of high risk sexual behavior for the transmission of HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. The carefully worded report was a warning that many members of the Satmar Hassidic group regularly participate in unprotected, high risk sexual behavior, making Williamsburg the site for the next major AIDS outbreak.

The report, “High growth risk in the religious world” said that the high levels of marital infidelity found among all the various Ultra-Orthodox groups form a major risk cluster for HIV and other STDs. Because survey respondents are forced into marriage at an early age, many report openly seeking sexual experiences outside of marriage.68.5 percent of respondents reported that their spouses knew about the affair and but did not care.

Factors contributing to the problem included a complete lack of sexual education and a complete isolation from advertising designed to educate people about the problem. It also mentioned forced marriage at an early age and complete disregard for personal preferences by the individuals charged with arranging marriages. According to CDC analyst Steve Ziglar, these social conditions inside the Satmar community are highly conducive to the transmission and growth of HIV and AIDS.

“There is a disproportionate emphasis on appearances, combined with a total lack of any sex education whatsoever, including basic sexual etiquette or use of protection. The community oppression forces members into living secret lives where high risk behaviors are never addressed'” Ziglar said.

According to the report, Satmar and other Hassidim were once considered an extremely low danger group because of the appearance of high levels of monogamy. But now the danger rate has been changed to high. They now have higher rate of marital infidelity than classical musicians, rock musicians, heroin dealers or Gene Simmons, the Jewish lead singer and founder of the musical group Kiss.

Common activities for the Hassidic groups include Mikvah mixers, group trips around the world, kissing the kverer, kvetching about the tsoras from the Torahs, and the old classic, tossing the salad while peeling the fruit.

Miryam Blein of Boro Park, is quoted in the report as knowing many married couples where the husband, or wife, or both, openly had a boyfriend or girlfriend outside of their marriage, but the couple had to stay married in order to please the rabbi.

Mordechai Teitelbaum said the rabbi disapproved of this practice, saying the use of a plegish or other sexual surrogate was a pleasure reserved only for the Grand Rebbe and his wealthiest donors, not open to any member who is merely wealthy.

Rabbi Mayer Lansky, the famous Misnag had nothing but scorn for the utter ignorance of Ultra Orthodox groups. “The Hassidim don't know the difference between Chlorine and Clorox, so the entire community suffers from extremely dry, irritated skin. If they can't figure that one out, what makes you think they have any idea what those red bumps are on the crotch of their favorite prostitute?”

The group Chabad Lubavitch also received special recognition for their special system of sending emissaries all over the globe. Aish HaTorah was also recognized for spreading a virulently racist ideology.

Vizhnitzer Rebbe announces “Our long national nightmare is over”

2009-01-08T10:47:00.000-08:00

Vizhnitzer Rebbe announces “Our long national nightmare is over”

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to http://meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

Following the announcement of President Elect Barack Obama, on January second, Mordechai Hager, The Rebbe of Vizhnitz-Monsey has announced that “Our long national nightmare is over.” In echoing the words of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, he invoked the feeling that eight years of fear about losing a Federal subsidy to kollel members everywhere has ended.

“For eight years we have seen benefits rolled back by not keeping up with inflation,” the Rebbe announced. “For the entire time of the Bush regime we have lived in fear of losing our government subsidies. Yeshivas suffer from lack of food stamps while the Zionists get the military support we deserve here in the US. Now with the Schvartza in the Ovaltine Office, we have no more fear, our long national nightmare is over.”

Reactions from his followers were mixed, and confusing.

“Oy is mir! Misphachasom V’lednick deh hoor is mein oshvat’chem!” One man in the minyan factory said. However, nobody has been able to translate this statement.

Other responses were clearer in language but just as obtuse in their meaning.

“I know what he said, but what it means in common terms is indelible, quite incredible! This is not even a reversal, it is more like a connection. Wait until I tell my cousin Faige,” Said Feige Sromlowicz of Monsey.

There was considerable outcry against this statement from the Satmar shtible around the corner. Although the prayer hall is a small outpost from the main Satmar groups in Williamsburg and Monroe, the counter reaction of the rebbe expressed shock at their reaction.

“Those anti-Zionist people are nuts, but anyone who thinks the Bush White House was bad for the illegal occupiers of Palestinian Land are confused,” Said Rabbi Tzvi Greystone of Monsey. “Under the Bush we have been blessed to see a holy expansion of the illegal settlements and the oppression of the rightful Palestinian residents of the land has been divinely inspired.”

In the aftermath of hearing this barrage of criticism from his neighbor and arch-rival, the Vizhnitzer Rebbe said “You know, he has a point.”

“This is all the fault of our living in a current society obsessed with secular happiness and pornography. We are the leadership and our job is to cow the followers with continual reminders of the Holocaust and other feel-bad exhortations. Saying the nightmare is over is wrong. The nightmare is always just beginning for a newly religious person somewhere,” Said Rabbi Naftali Reich of Dark Light Yeshiva in Monsey.

Hugh Hefner was unavailable for comment.

Nanny for Chabad in Mumbai to pose naked

2008-12-21T09:57:00.000-08:00

Nanny for Chabad in Mumbai to pose naked

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

In a Tel Aviv press conference Tuesday, Sandra Samuel, the nanny for the murdered Chabad emissary in Mumbai, says she wants to pose naked in Playboy to bring more happiness into the world. She says after such a sad and depressing event, all she wants to do is use her body for a mitzvah to make as many people as possible happy.

After the death of her employers, Gavriel and Rivka Holtzberg, Samuel was upset to hear the first word out of Chabad central was about fundraising. “It seems inappropriate that the first words to remember this father and successful fundraiser were a fundraising speech,” she said. So, instead, Samuel wants to commemorate the joy her boss brought Jews everywhere by posing naked, bringing smiles to the faces of lonely Chabad emissaries worldwide.

The late, great Lubavitcher Rebbe, Menachem Mendel Schneerson, wanted to spread the word of Chabad and God all over the world, so he set out to build a Chabad house anywhere in the world where one could find ten Jews and buy Coca-Cola. As it says in the old commercials, “Ain’t nothin’ like the real thing baby!”.

Although the Chabad Hassidim are most well known for their uniformly conservative dressed members putting up outposts everywhere in the world, it is less known the reason was to operate a sort of amateur kosher hotel service, Samuel said. She then went on to ask, “What is the main thing that goes on in hotels, besides a family vacation? Besides families going to Disney world, it usually involves nudity, so I feel this is the best way to carry on the Chabad tradition, and support myself, now that I have lost my primary form of employment,” Samuel said.

Samuel went on to detail exactly how often she found stains from bodily emissions on the sheets of guests to the rabbi’s house.

“As the housekeeper I took care of the kids, but I also changed the sheets, and there was a lot of intercourse over Shabbes between our various guests,” She said.

A Chabad spokesperson in Crown Heights confirmed that their emissaries allow married houseguests to sleep in the same room, but require unmarried couples to sleep separately.

Hugh Hefner, Founder of Playboy Magazine was unavailable for comment.

MJE spawns new group, Manhattan Gay Experience

2008-10-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

MJE spawns new group, Manhattan Gay Experience

By Rabbi Lamech SomayachMeshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

There is a new group in New York City and their main goal is to recruit straight people and convince them to be gay, and their inspiration, surprisingly, is a recruitment group for the Jewish ultra-Orthodox.

“The MGE is founded on the principle that it can swell the ranks of homosexuals by being nice to straight people, exposing the to the positive side of homosexuality, and in turn they will give us money to bring more straight people over to our orientation,” said Sam Smalz, spokesperson for the MGE.

Smalz said the idea is licensed and paid for from the Jewish Experience since everything in their program lead to the founding of the MGE.

"We saw these extremists passing themselves off as nice moderate rabbis and raking lots of money from it before their congregants came to understand the constantly increasing limitations that were heaped on the after accepting membership in the group. In the same way, MGE will have date night where we set men up with “women” played by confederates who just happen to deny them sex, but encourage them to converse with the nice, clean cut guys we have floating all over the party,” Smalz said.

When a new member proves to be sufficiently obsequious and seeking to support the cause of the organization even more, the plan to offer people jobs recruiting new members or working as a confederate and finding out who is the potential wealthy donor the organization is looking for.

“Since member recruits are highly motivated, we can pay them forty percent less than they would earn in a comparable position in the workforce and the people don’t care,” Said Aron Littlebug, MGE assistant founder. “This makes for good economics, since more of the huge donors funds making it’s way into salary for the founders.”

“It’s like those trickle down economics that Milton Fraudman was talking about at the University of Chicago, we like that guy,” Smalz said.

A wealthy secret donor has already rented the MGE a really nice place on the Upper West Side and renovated it to meet their needs. It has a luxurious meeting hall area, an industrial kitchen, smaller studies and libraries off to the side, and best of all, there is a mikveh in the basement.

“We did improve something big over the Hassidim,” Smalz said. “We know there is a difference between Clorox and chlorine. I don’t want my skin dried out after sex and I know our members don’t either, so we are adding softeners to the water also.”

Smalz said the contractor who built the mikveh was recommended by the MJE and really gave them a hard time about the unholy use of a sacred object. He had to explain how they merely wanted their Jewish brethren to feel at home while mixing and mingling with all the other men and women at the MGE.

Spitzer was an ideal gentleman and customer, Hassidim say

2008-10-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

Spitzer was an ideal gentleman and customer, Hassidim say

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a series of intervews conducted by Journal News it has come to light that a large number of Hassidic Rabbis are coming forth as having been regular co-customers with New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, and they all gave positive reviews to his conduct.

“Everyone Jew in power wants to have sex with a shiksa, a rabbis wife or someone important, ever since King David,” said Moshe, who wished to remain anonymous so the other Satmar hassidim won’t find out he has been a regular at brothels for years. “Not many people tip better than the governor.”

Rabbi Leib Tropper of Monsey also got in on the sex outside of marriage commentary saying that prostitution can be good, but Jewish outreach better. “The women interested in becoming orthodox will do anything just to get involved and take a 'taste' of Yiddishkeit home with them. The best time is if they are trying to convert, those bitches will do almost anything!”

Tropper said he regularly saw Spitzer at the brothels. “The best was to get a woman who just got a huge financial boost from the governor, they were so happy the next customer got treated twice as well also.”

Tropper, who got his current wife at an outreach seminar he was teaching, said that the big money set was “easier to reach at the brothels since they were already in a spending mood, and plus a rabbi in the brothel can be bought off much easier than a journalist.”

In fact the only way this blog entry could be written by Rabbi Somayach was by invoking his rabbinical credentials and the Jewish oath of confidentiality.

Don’t worry, I keep secrets about fifteen minutes on average also, said Rabbi Gerald From, who uses information from his confidential counseling sessions to buy prestige with the area rabbis who officiate over his patients.

“Sometimes helping someone twist a suckers arm is worth more than I could personally afford, and I am sure Tropper and many others were cashing in on Spitzers fun with “Kristen” to the tune of huge bundles of cash on a regular basis,” From said.

In a written statement issued by the Motzes Gedolei HaTorah, Agudath Israel decried a “wanton waste of blackmail resources by the financial industry in driving out the governor before the full amount of his blackmail could be extracted. Although still a billionaire, his wife knows and doesn't care. He is still married and there is no elected position to hold over his head.”

Not to be let out of the fame melee, Governor appointee David Patterson gave a press release where he admitted to “smoking crack in a brothel with some dude who said he was a rabbi.” Patterson then went on to say something about a Cadillac with a furry steering wheel and bunny ears on the seat cover, but his office could offer no verification.

Scandal erupts over Ohr Somayach altering words in Ma’oh Tzur

2008-10-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

Scandal erupts over Ohr Somayach altering words in Ma’oh Tzur

By Rabbi Lamech SomayachMeshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

A recent historical revelation about the practices of Ohr Somayach has once again roiled the Orthodox communities around the world with charges of idolatry and revisionism, much to the chagrin of wealthy donors everywhere.

The scandal surrounds certain rabbis who changed the lyrics to a famous winter holiday tune Ma’oh Tzur to reflect their own glory over the glory of god and sang this song in their prayer hall.

In a recent article about the school in the Haredi rag, the Yated Neeman they quoted the entire speech by famed Haredi fictionist and speaker, Rabbi Simcha Schorr, son of the famous Rabbi Gedalia Schorr. While the article and all critics agree on some of the rabbis statements, there has been a groundswell over the songs and dancing that followed.

The yeshiva has put up with enough bad students to last forever and now we can deny those lacking sufficient wealth, Schorr said in his speech. He was referring to a $12 million payment from Joe Tannenbaum for their fancy study hall.

But then “the rabbis all got up and started dancing and laughing and screaming and sang Ma’oh Tzur, only they changed the words from talking about the inauguration of the holy temple in Jerusalem to a praise of their own building in Monsey they were going to make,” said Fayge Felayge, a Hassidic woman who was witness to the carnage that took place. “They were implying Ohr Somayach as the new temple for all of Judaism, isn’t that what the German Reform Jews said before the Holocaust? That is what I learned at the Aish discovery weekend.”

“The real scandal, besides the rabbis at Ohr Somayach dancing for themselves, is how they are happy leach money from the Monsey community but would not attend the bar mitzvah of a poor orphan, much less dance at the wedding of a minor donor,” Said Rabbi Moshe Dovid Tendler, a Professor Emeritus of Yeshiva University and head of his own congregation in Monsey.

Other Jewish leadership seemed to think that the revision was good for the religion, such as Rabbi Nosson Wolpin, Editor in Chief of the Jewish Observer, the voice of Haredism.

“We see Jewish owned institutions advertising with the private branding of publicly financed institutions like the sports stadiums and roads, and musical jingles were an advertising campaign staple for decades, so it only makes sense to rewrite this bedrock of observance in a way to encourage more donors,” Wolpin said.

Wolpin when further to compare the increasing pace of innovations of all other areas of observance with the change of the song, remarked “We are certain the medieval commentators had nothing except inspiration with most of their interpretations of the Bible and Talmud, so this is no different.”

Shaddchan Group to complete the marriage cycle by brokering divorces

2008-09-03T22:46:00.000-07:00

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini

Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

A group of Jewish matchmakers in Brooklyn are now following the model of Wall Street and expanding their business services as a way of increasing revenues and profits. The council of matchmakers, are undertaking to undo their hard work of marrying people by negotiating their divorces.

The organization, called Oyvei Hagefen, has been helping the grown up girls and boys of the Orthodox persuasion get hitched based on such love related topics as the type of hats they wear, or what brand of stockings the girls wear. Since such a superficial connection undoubtedly leads to divorce, it only makes sense to complete the cycle and profit from the second half of marriage, the split-up.

“We already got to know everything about them when we married them, their clothes, rabbi and prayer book they use. They pay us good money, but we are just not earning enough for those hotel vacations for our entire families,” Said Yehuddith Rustpig, an overweight pig and housewife who has spent the last ten years eating herself to death while coercing skinny young men to marry ugly fat single women on the basis of their wealthy father-in-laws to be. “Since the matchmaker already knows everything important to get a boy and a girl together, it should be easy for us to split them apart as well. We'll just say she got too fat during the marriage.”

“Often times a boy will want to keep his children so there will be enough government family aid so that he can keep warming a bench in Lakewood, or the wife will want to keep a small portion of her dowry so that we can help her remarry, and we are happy to accommodate that, we just increase our fee,” Rustpig said.

“The matchmaker isn't just a gossipy and pushy Jewish housewife,” Rustpig said. “She is a gossiping and pushy Jewish housewife who can earn more than $100,000 if she plays her cards right. After all, she is usually from a rabbinnical family and has been shown the inner Talmudic secrets of how to manipulate and harm people.”

Rustpig went further to explain how they will often coordinate with the rabbi of the newlywed couple to concoct supposed reasons the newlywed couple should not have sex. “Denying them intimacy for the majority of the first year increases misery and frustration, especially since they have never been allowed any emotional expression for 16 years of the repressive educational system.”

In the essential Haredi publication, the Jewish Oberver, Rabbi Nosson Wolpin explained how ordinary lay Jews are not allowed to know the rules and bylaws of marital purity, thus making them total passive slaves to the extortions of their rabbi. “Later on, they have years of experience and can guess when the rabbi is deviating from the law. But newlyweds? They are like lambs to slaughter.”

Not everyone was happy with the new system. Many rabbis expressed dismay that a revenue stream from mediating the unhappy marriage was being transferred from them to some shubby matchmaker so she could end it.

“For example, they are already miserable and fighting. Why don't I just ruin their lives for ten years when it is so easy,” Said Rabbi Lable Slander HaMalshin of Monsey. I do it enough to my yeshiva bochurs.

Linguistic discovery reveals root of name Boro Park

2008-08-24T23:45:00.000-07:00

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Residents of a Hassidic neighborhood are threatening another riot over an academic paper recently released that gained new insights into the Hassidic language that reflected badly on their community. It has many people asking if the Hassidim really are Jackasses or what is in a name.

The paper was written by Noam Chomsky, the world-renowned linguistic genuis and professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It portends to reveal an anomaly in Yiddish, the language of Hassidic Boro Park. Yiddish, which is German for Jewish, is a combination of many languages with Hebrew. Originally it was German and Hebrew and was meant for German Jews living in New York. In Spain the Jews combined Hebrew with Spanish, in Ukraine with Russian and so forth. In the US it is now combined with English.

“You may notice that in South Brooklyn the Hasidim live in a neighborhood called Boro Park. However the rest of New York uses the Latin spelling for neighborhood, Borough. This is in the English tradition,” Chomsky said in his book.

Boro is not a Yiddish translation of Latin for neighborhood,” Chomsky said. “Instead, it is Spanish, burro is the Spanish word for Jackass. He said there was some certainty the name was connected both to the Spanish speaking community that lives in the top of Boro Park, near 39^th Street, but added it probably had something to do with the Hassidim all selling their houses in Crown Heights for a song and then blowing outrageous amounts to move into an industrial area simply because it had permissive zoning.

The move started with Lubavitchers in Crown Heights insisting their rabbi would never die and instead would be the messiah. The flow of people moving out of Crown Heights peaked once Menachem Mendel Schneerson, the Chabad rebbe died and riots began breaking out.

To give away a $2 million house for $400,000 and then spend another million building an ugly three family monstrosity in the industrial waste part of town could be considered the epitome of being a donkey, according to real estate broker Channy “Hunny” Fleishmon.

“These critics don’t know what they are talking about. I lost a $1,500 Town car in those riots, it was a good investment to move to a safer area,” Said Moshe Stanislov of Boro Park. “The name is unfortunate but seems to have stuck.”

Parents Sitting Shiva for Newest Chumra

2007-12-08T13:18:00.000-08:00

Parents Sitting Shiva for Newest Chumra

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Masgiach Ruchini
Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a move that has shocked the members of congregations around Brooklyn and the world, parents of boys in religious schools are finding new reasons to sit shiva that some find petty. Shiva, means seven and refers to the traditional seven day period of mourning for the dead in the past was restricted for people who weren actually deceased. In recent years its use has been expanded to include limited circumstances like when a child leaves the faith or, cuts off his side locks, called peyos, because some liken this to spiritual death. However, the same Rabbis who instituted the new form of shiva say the community has gone too far, and sits shiva for ideas that are too trivial.

Moshe Willinsky, an accountant and resident of Williamsburg said he felt it appropriate to perform kria and sit shiva when his son failed eighth grade algebra since he saw this meant his son would not be following in his footsteps into the accountant trade.

“I didn’t want this for little Yiddle. If he isn't an accountant he may have no choice but to become a begger or a schlepper in kollel. But mainly I just wanted all the attention of people visiting my home,” Willinsky said.

Ever since it became apparent he wasn’t able to pay for the new Torah day school and community mikveh, visits to the Wilinsky homes have been almost none. And the Willinsky family is representative of a whole new class of Hassidim who are happy to sacrifice their firstborn son to regain attention from their neighbors.

The winner of a straw-poll vote for the best explanation was from Yankel Villiams, owner of Speedvay repair service who is also currently sitting shiva for his son, Zalman.

“It seems there are so many Hassidim around today and so few ways to stand out, I just wanted the fellows at the minyan to come pay attention to me for a few mornings. If that is the only thing I can do to set myself apart, then so be it. I plan on eventual excommunication for all 12 of my children,” Villiams said.

Opinions amongst the members of the Gedolim were mixed, but mostly favorable.

“As usual, the Hassidim are happy with anything that increases divisiveness and keeps the followers too busy to question their leadership. I suppose this chumra, this ridiculous stringency is no worse than the microscopic bugs in the water.”Said Moshe Dovid Tendler, a professor emeritus at Yeshiva University, the most non-hassidic yeshiva in New York.

His opinion was mirrored by Rebbeim from the Hassidic dynasties on the other side of the fence.

“We have a work problem for our children because the number of followers is limited we can’t set up all our children with a stable retinue of subservient donors. The BT movement brought new people in, but this is a good way to mix up the existing followers to put our children in the business of being rabbeim,” Said Rabbi Baruch Shalom HaLevi Ashlag, as conjured via séance by the current Dzirka Rebbe.

But other people were not so blithe about dismissing things off the bat.

“This is a sad day, when people who are already will do almost anything for attention are willing to do this as well,” Said Pastor Jimm Folsell. “It is one thing to wear a heavy wool coat and hat in the summer heat, but child sacrifice was only intended for the Temple when it stood in the time of Jesus.”

“Just look at the book of Gedalia, he offered his daughter up to a sacrifice of thanks. There was a price, but he was able to get out of it and came out ahead in the long run. Don’t you wish you were mentioned in the bible, or at least a Jewish newspaper?” Said sales agent Aryeh Frankel. “Won’t your friends all envy you when they see your shiva on the top of the fold? You won’t have to answer your own phone, and the rabbi will come to your house to cover the mirrors!”

Mikveh Protest Arouses riots from thousands in Burro Park

2007-11-05T09:35:00.000-08:00

Mikveh Protest Arouses riots from thousands in Burro Park

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

A protest last Wednesday by single Jewish men outside a Boro Park mikveh attracted hundreds of protestors and thousands of counter protesters and raised fear in the Charedi community of married men.

The single men were angry and protesting that the Orthodox Community doesn't allow dating and was refusing to help them get married, raising massive fear from the married men that their wives would not have sex with them in sympathy to the protestors because Orthodox Jewish law considers them filthy until they complete the required immersion in the ritual bath, or mikveh.

In a manner reminiscent of Christian groups that block access to abortion clinics, the protesting single men formed a human chain across the women's mikvah while chanting, “If we can't get any then you can't either!”

The married men were afraid the women would continue to avoid sex more than they already do in sympathy, when they would be unable to copulate with their husbands or other Jewish lovers.

“Why should my wife continue fucking our Shabbes goy but not me just because of a few stupid single men? If they can't get wealthy parents why should they even want to get married?” some of the counter protesters said.

The single men carried signs protesting shaddchan practices with slogans like “Can't anyone else get pussy without being wealthy first?” or “Can't we all just get it on?”

Meanwhile the married men were also in uproar and had signs that said things like: “I only get laid one week a month and you are going to take another day away from me?”

The protest was organized by Rabbi Moshe Gelbert of Midwood, a sextant in a midtown synagogue. Between chain and chain smoking cigarettes and screaming in the face of everyone he calmly explained how he was screwed over in the marriage game by an unscrupulous loblolly matchmaker, as were many of his friends.

“This protest is for every Jewish boy who suffered for years only to find he wasn't wealthy enough for the rabbis to help him marry.

Notably absent was Chananya Weissman, the Orthodox rabbi behind a different group protesting the same situation. He issued a press releaase on his website, endthemadness.org stating that although he has written and spoken very forcefully on the issues, he couldn't agree with a protest staged by reform Jews.

He gave no indication where he got the idea this was a protest of Reform Jews, a claim strongly disputed by every protester present.

“We don't even have a single kippah seruggah, here” said Gelbert, the groups organizer. However, a survey of the crowds revealed a dozen faces from the colloquium that Weissman held in Midwood during the winter of 2004.

Also present was MTV rock star and Chabad faceman Matisyahu, who managed to give a relevant Dvar torah in Broken Yiddish, despite having grown up a full-on secular American.

“He's progressing on the way to being an FFB very quickly,” said Moshe Grunfield of Crown Heights.

Matisyahu said “It says in parshas Mispotim that the early Israelite men were led astray by the Midianite women. But how can the Hassidic boys of Borro Park be led astray if they can't even attend my concerts to meet women?

“It is bad enough being a yeshiva bachur and your only relief comes from another bachur in the mens mikveh, but with no marriage in sight this is getting ridiculous. Doesn't happiness count anymore?” he said.

New Dating service for Chulent party

2007-10-30T13:34:00.000-07:00

New Dating service for Chulent party

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

You may have heard about the dating service called It's just lunch. Well there is a new frum dating service that many are raving about that is centered around a classic Thursday night ritual called the Council for Grabbing Chulent of America. The site, called “It's Just Chulent,” is centered around matching up random people who attend a weekly party of chassidim who gather to socialize, talk Torah, drink beer and smoke.

Much like the busy professional people who go on lunch dates with other potential busy professionals, the site is geared towards attendees of a certain demographic, only partiers at this weekly all-night gathering are less busy than most professionals, instead they are seeking a city of refuge, says founder Rabbi Issac Chai Shon of Burro Park.

According to the web site information, the stated purpose of the group is “to provide traditional matchmaker services for attendees of the group since every is sleeping around with the other people there anyways.” This is in marked contrast to most orthodox yeshivot and congregations where the rabbis are the only ones getting any when they victimize their congregates and members.

Chulenteers get the address and password when attending the weekly gathering. If they pass out it is written on their foreheads with a sharpie. Then, Friday afternoon, they log in and put up their photo, profile and references. Navigating the site is simple with easy to follow icons replacing Yiddish, English, Hebrew or other languages.

“We had to borrow heavily from sign language and Esperanto, said the sites designer, who wishes to remain anonymous in his house of worship which is located on 16^th Avenue between 43 and 46^th Streets, on the left hand side in Burro Park. The designer also cited fears that people wouldn't trust a single male as the head of a large kashruth organization.

The result of the design is phenomenal, users declare.

“I can tell which men are into women, men or both just by the hand symbols, no languages needed. That's great since I am unable to read,” Said Rabbi Nosson Weisz, head of a Congregation Ahava Rabah of Burro Park. “They always love it when I do the penis in the chulent trick!”

Weisz said he is urging his entire congregation to join the site in an effort to simplify his job of satisfying congregants and he is not alone. A recent informal telephone survey of twenty four distinguished Jewish leaders showed unanimous support for making a frum place for people to go off the derech without all the goyim getting involved.

So far the site has led to a boon in an unrelated industry that nobody had expected. “The Rabbis who work as scribes” are cashing in on superstitious Hassidim who “think they need a Get after having intercourse while other people are watching,” said the mashgiasch for the chulent party.

Many people decry the extreme localization of the site, claiming atheists outside of the Manhattan area are getting shortchanged. But Rabbi Chai refuted those claims in a sweeping statement on Thursday, April first of this year.

“There are people who claim that ex-orthodox Jews live in Boston, Atlanta and even California but we all know the Rebbi told us the real Jews only live in Brooklyn!” he said. “The world is flat, and is not even 6,000 years old and single people can come here to us or can suffer in hell!”

Others disageed, saying things like “Isaac is a nut,” or alluded to his accepting funding from right wing Haredi groups so that he could one day move out from living with his mother, according to anonymous sources inside the Chulent party who didn't want to be identified on a Jewish blog.

“We all know Isaac is stuck in that plight of being over 40 and wanting a wife under 20 who will bear him 12 children. He has a lot of financial ground to make up. All the old frum farts get there some time or another,” Said a participant known only by the pseudonym Berel witzoberg.

“The genesis of the site came because so many people were having sex in the bathrooms of the Milinery Center Synagogue, and we just put it into action,” said Rabbi Xylum of the Chulent Party.

Seminary to offer child molester certification for rabbis

2007-10-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

Seminary to offer child molester certification for rabbis

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

“We want our kids to have the same upbringing we did,” Said Moshe Karliner-Stanislov, a parent attending the PTA at a local yeshiva school. The parents were quite clear about wanting their Jewish traditions continued at a recent ceremony in the Brooklyn rabbinical school Torah Vodas. This was the idea behind a certification concerning pedophilia at the academy which gives a highly prized ordination and also teaches grades K to 12.

“Unfortunately, pedophilia has been going on as long as society has been around,” said Goldie Rosenberg, a social worker for a Satmar school. “This certification is a great step in the right direction.

The head director of Torah Vodas, Rabbi Yisroel Belsky, gave the address outlining the unofficial school position and why they were offering the endorsement.

“Many of the adults who graduated from this school have fond memories of a Rebbe or teacher who took them aside and showed them the secrets of this world as taken from the holy Shaas and they want that same advantage to their kids,” he said. “By offering a certification in regards to pedophilia, we can ensure everyone learns about sexual interactions at an early age and under proper supervision with their rebbe,” he said.

Another parent also relayed his own fond memories of Rabbi Belsky offering him a ride home and then taking him to the house of Rabbi Yehudda Kolko from nearby Yeshiva Torah Temimah for a little rabbinical-three-way sex.

“That day was the start of my life and the preparation I need for my Bar Mitzvah. It set me up for a lifetime of internal conflict which gave explosion to my book about chronic masturbation and made me a millionaire. If it weren't for my emotional problems I would not be the celebrity I am today,” said visiting Jewish writer Philip Roth.

An upcoming graduate of the ordination program gave a valedictorian where he went in depth with an explaining about the new outreach yeshivas and Chabad being very persistent in encouraging their students to go to the mikveh for spiritual purification.

“You know they discovered that old adage about the mivkeh being where all the dicks and assholes hang out when he limps into Kablat Shabbat during Lecha Dodi while holding his rear end and grimacing. They will never leave the religion at that point, and then they can start in on bulimia,” Said Rabbi Levi Kranz.

“The only thing that can make a man more dedicated, is an adult convert who has a bris with metzizah b'peh as an adult,” Said Kranz, in reference to a controversial form of child abuse that involves a rabbi putting his mouth on the penis of a newborn, that is sometimes done in a prayer hall, and sometimes in privacy in the rabbis study.

Rabbinical Council introduces new blessing for Themselves

2007-08-21T16:08:00.000-07:00

Rabbinical Council introduces new blessing for Themselves

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah

Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

In a move the say the have calculated to increase honor for themselves, the members of theAgudath Israel Rabbinical board, the Motzes Gedolei Hatorah have introduced a new brocha into the public lexicon.

The blessing is hamotze gedolim min ha-am-haaretz and is calculated for ordinary humans and regular Jews to show the Motze board members the honor they deserve by reciting it when addressing one of the board members, or when board members enter the room, a spokesperson said.

“We’ve legislated informally for a long time that certain rabbis have achieved a level of recognition from the community that they deserve exceptional treatment. This will merely be a way to formally recognize the honor that we deserve as members,” said board chair Yaakov Perlow.

Other people have protested that Rabbis pretend that they are holy with black hats and long white beards but don’t deserve the honorary treatment that would accompany a rabbinically introduced brocha. Nonetheless, the board, claiming they are different, has downed the naysayers and started instituting the blessing.

Pundits and naysayers alike feel like this blessing should do nothing but good for the fundraising efforts of the board members since it will only increase the inferiority complex of people who come to speak to them and must kneel on one knee without bowing.

“We have started with a half folded laminated card that we will distribute as part of our next fundraising mailing and an awareness campaign in association with some of our subsidiary boards,” Said Rabbi Moshe Sherer, the late leader of Agudath Israel, as conjured in a séance by Rabbi Yaakov Perlow. “Since it isn't even me, but our deceased Torah sages, you can trust them more than me,” Perlow added.

Agudath Israel has already raised a million dollars from various donors to pay for advertising in all major Jewish areas and publication. In addition a corps of Lubavitcher kosher supervisors are being hired to escort the Gedolim everywhere, walk quiet and carry large sticks.

Although the thought of a swift whack seems repugnant to the typical person, a random interview of many men walking to work at the offices of B&H camera store received multiple confirmations that this would merely be a continuation of how they were treated as youths in their ultra-orthodox education up to the age of 19.

“As a continuation of the kiddusha of the rabbonim, it is my sincere hope and desire that this is also said for me soon,” Said Isaac Seanfeld, founder of the Vaad Hafotzas Chulent B'America. “I am sure that Shlomo would have the same thing said about him as well.”

Seanfeld went further to state that since Rabbis had taken over the tithing intended for the now defunct Temple in Jerusalem, he hoped to soon buy a home away from his current residence with his mother.

Marine Park Shul Prepares to accept new applications for club 612

2007-08-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

Marine Park Shul Prepares to accept new applications for club 612

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach

Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

A shul in the Marine Park section of Brooklyn is opening its' own adjunct of a Brooklyn institution that has been around for generations, the famous club 612. As with religion and everything else, the Hasidim of Seagate and Borough Park bring further refinement to the world by introducing genetic counseling and a free loan club to your basic sex club orgy.

Called 612 because they exclude the commandment of adultery from the 613 commandments in the Torah, the group has very specific entry requirements for entry, including examination by a physician for diseases and donation of $20,000 to the free loan fund for members.

“We find that there are so many qualified applications from Marine Park that it is only natural that we extend membership to that area,” Said Nechiemia Waldmanstein, a founding member of the organization.

Other Hassidim had good things to say about the organization as well.

“There is such a lack of genetic diversity in the community, but also so much danger that our children will have Tay Sachs, or other genetic diseases, I find the groups policies to be such a source of comfort,” Said one man who would only be identified as Mordechai, son of David. “There is genetic counselingto say who can procreate with who and we strictly follow it,” he said

Membership includes several of the largest Rebbes in the area who saw the danger of sexual harassment lawsuits early on and opted for an organization that has a signed legal disclaimer up front.

“The Lubavitcher Rebbe might have gotten away with having a bed in his office on the pretense of studying Torah until very late at night but that only worked in the dark ages of litigation and would never pass muster today,” Said Rabbi Whore-a-wiyts, a big Talmud chachim and Jewish historian.

And others pro actively contradict some of the criticisms of the group.

“We are into fucking other mens wives only,” Said a big degenerate. “The group is mainly heterosexual. We excluded the Penislover Rebbe, whose yeshiva was closed because he used to fuck his students in the ass. I mean it is one thing to have a guy help you get ready for his wife, it is another thing to do it with another man to completion, although most of us tried at one point or another. But what are you supposed to do, when you're a fifteen-year-old boy in yeshiva with no relief in sight. As married men and leaders of congregations we don't have to live like that anymore,” Said rabbi Naftali Weiss, who has fathered over 40 children through the club outside of his wife.

And what of claims of religiousness?

“Most of us are officially atheists. As Hasidim we talk about God so much it becomes a meaningless abstraction anyhow,” Rabbi Weiss said. “It is so deeply ingrained in our culture that not believing has little to do with prayer or observance.”

Another kollel wife was also quick to defend the practices of club 612 as well as other afternoon activities of her and other wives.

“Sure it gets lonely when Moishe studies from 6 am to midnight. He's so religious he feels guilty about procreating, which is why I like to spend afternoons cuddling with Sarah next door. But Sarah won't give me more babies, will she?” Said Frummit Maklokes, an adjunct member of 612 whose husband has fathered two of their eight children.

Any walk down 15^th Avenue will show plenty of women walking together, if one knows what to look for, Mrs. Makklokes said. She said the opaque stockings and wigs are just a cover up for a promiscuous lifestyle. “If one knows what to look for, you can see who has been sleeping around. Just look for a wig that has the edge turned a little crooked showing they got dressed in no time flat, and you will have found yet another BP woman who has been taking in an afternoon delight” she said.

Second kashruth scandal erupts in Monsey, this time over fruit

2007-05-07T15:25:00.000-07:00

Second kashruth scandal erupts in Monsey, this time over fruit
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini of Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Another scandal has erupted in the Orthodox community of Monsey, NY over the kashruth labeling of fruit in local groceries. Residents are in uproar over fruit under supervision of Rabbi Tzvi Jacobs that was labeled as pareve Yisroel.

“We are furious!” said Moshe Silberstein, a member of the Viznitzer Hassidim. “Parve Yisroel means that the fruit was picked by a Jew in a state of ritual purity. Having the name of Tzvi Jacobs means that no woman handled our bananas during her period!”

People were angry when they discovered the fruit was not from a secret Hassidic Jewish plantation but was actually picked by Mexican migrant laborers in California. The scandal was held back for a period of hours as the original gossips who knew were tracked down and threatened with expulsion if they shared, but one yenta let it slip while reading a shidduch for the rebbes grandson and the tide of news could not be contained any longer.

“They had a secret factory set up in Nyak, solely for removing the Chiquita stickers and putting on the ones that said 'Koysher parvah yisroel' from Rabbi Jacobs. First it was Shevachs chicken, and now this!” said a Monsey Kollel wife who chose to remain anonymous.
While many people can claim they escaped eating the treif chicken from Shevachs, it seems the fruit scandal has pervaded every corner, with almost no person left untouched.

“It was the most beautifully tasty fruit in five counties, I don't know a single person who didn't buy this fruit at one of the local stores,” said Mordechai Swiaticky, Rosh Yeshiva of Ohr Somayach and local Schnorrer.

The response in the mainstream news was incredulous and the television waves were again bombarded with images of frum Jews immersing their fruit bowls and paring knives in boiling water all over Rockland County and also nearby Kiryas Yoel.

The scandal seemed a repeat from a kashruth scandal that erupted over Shevachs chicken, which had the best tasting chicken in town but never seemed to order supplies from the kosher butcher company whose chicken they purportedly were selling. That scandal was discovered when an insomnolent Hassidic man observed a crane lifting the entire freezer off the ground, with the supervisors lock intact and a truck from Perdue Chicken unloading delicious breast meat that only cost a third as much as regular kosher chicken.

Before he fled town, Mr. Shevach was reported as saying the profit margins had been incredible and he had already paid off the mortgage on his mansion, a high-ranch, which is now back on the real-estate market.

“The amazing thing about the chicken was that everyone ate it, and loved how it tasted better than the frum chickn and nobody knew why. But this fruit really affected everyones' neshama in the way a chicken doesn't,” said Mordechai Tenovitch, Grandson of Moshe Tenovitch.

What Does My Name Mean?

2007-04-20T13:06:00.000-07:00

What does my name mean?

An editorial column by Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

Hi everyone! I have been getting lots of inquiries as of late, so I came to realize that you too may wonder, what does all the Hebew in my name stand for? Well, I am here to tell you.
Rabbi, is an old word, it means teacher or leader. Although lately people act like it means you should give them the Priestly tithing to live will without working, as if they were actually conducting the service in the demolished temple in Jerusalem. Of course we all know that is not true, but that is what rabbi means.

My first name, Lamech is after a biblical character. He was cousin to Cain. After Cain slew Abel, Lamech was out hunting in the woods. Of course, he was already old and partially blind so he was hunting with his son, who told him which way to point his bow and arrow. Apparently he was so strong and the bow was so big, that he was the only one who could hunt with it. His son saw a movement and told him to shoot, so he killed Cain. He was so upset at this he clapped, and that then killed his own firstborn son.

Then his wives wanted to divorce him to avoid the curse he brought on his household, but he then pointed out nobody would want to mess with him since he was cursed for seven generations for killing his cousin, but anyone who messed with him would be cursed for 77 generations.

In the yeshiva world it was considered an insult to call someone klutzy a Lamech.
Somayach is the Hebrew word for happiness. It is a pun on so many organizations that call themselves the source of happiness or the light. Of course I am pretty happy now, but I wasn't for a long time.

A Meshumad is one who has had the good fortune to fall away from religiousness and since the Haredim frown on any individuality, they consider this a bad thing. But you and I know otherwise.

A person who is worthy of praise is called a Meshubach, and in this case, what is more worthy of praise than bringing people to the truth of how their silly chumras are drivng them crazy.
When in yeshiva there are all the normal types of positions counterpart to what one might expect from a public school with a few additions or subtractions. The Mashgiach Ruchini is a patronage position and a general teaching position given to someone charged with giving inspirational talks about how all the lies are true and how pure the motives of the money grubbing blood suckers who run the place. Usually it is a person who cheers on the yeshiva and the whole system, not the other way around.

The name of the yeshiva where I am employed is Aishes Eish Hatorah and this is perhaps one of the greatest mixed metaphors of all. One of the largest sources of misinformation about Charedi Judaism is called Aish HaTorah, or Fire of the Torah. They wear an easy face but they really advocate an extremely restrictive millionaire lifestyle, since they are looking mainly for millionaire donors. The second half of the metaphor is a biblical term for adultery, Aishes Eish, or a married mans' woman. Of course this is one thing they don't advocate, but it makes for a nice contrast.

Reform Rabbis Forbid Visits To Monsey

2007-04-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

Reform Rabbis Declare Monsey off limits to Jews

By Rabbi Lamech SomayachMeshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to Meshumadmeshubach.blogspot.com

Many Jews are in an uproar following a recent In a recent spate of declarations by various rabbis across the nation, as various cities have been declared off limits. The ban on visiting cities now means that many will have to undergo a pricely relocation their residence or else follow strict rules to stay in their current home.

While several prominent Orthodox rabbis have banned Miami, more surprisingly, the largest body of reform rabbis have correspondingly banned Monsey, NY, home to the orthodox rabbis who banned Miami.

“This is not a revenge banning,” Said Rabbi Fred Smith, a member of the council that issued the Monsey Ban.

While the original ban on Miami was based on the declarations that people on the beach were dressed immodestly, The Central Conference of American Rabbis, a Reform umbrella organization however has declared Monsey off-limits for other reasons. The ban on Monsey is based on an opinion that the Rabbis there behave immorally.

“The mandate of carry the message of ethics to the world has been abandoned in favor of ripping everyone off for tithing profits to religious institutions. This abandonment of Gods great and holy message has made Monsey and all businesses connected to that place a source of great spiritual danger. There is great risk for the people who go so far as to lay their eyes on a single fur hat, or a head that is full of lust for money and power,” Said Rabbi Harry K. Danziger, president of the Central Conference of American Rabbis, a Reform umbrella organization.

The proclamation read, in part: “Behold, we have found Charedi men who have given themselves to dishonesty in business and lust for money. We have found a place where rabbis consider themselves men of power who cover up for themselves and others to dwell with small children in lust and who hunger after money and power, and this is a desecration of Gods holy 26 letter name” began the proclamation that the Reform rabbis sent.

They also went into long length about the sin of using a religion to embarrass fellow Jews in public or to use rules designed to build people up as a way to strong-arm them into tithing or other forms of donations.

Quoting the words of the Chazon Ish, the great Haredi Rabbi who founded B'nei B'rak, the rabbis go on to point out how the entire city has become corrupted beyond redemption and the only solution is for people to voluntarily relocate to towns with little or no business and renew their reputations by living a simple life and avoiding the consumption of meat or dairy products.

The Reform Rabbis even copied the ban in Miami when the invoked the Babylonian Talmud in declaring anyone who voluntarily associated with such a place to be an evil man, saying that dishonest business practices in the town were so rampant that it was impossible to avert ones eyes, for even the menu prices in restaurants are 50 percent higher than in the delicious treifeleh goyish eateries.

Completing the ban were orderly numbered directions for extricating ones' business affairs and moving bank accounts to a more wasp oriented zip code, but included a suggestion of keeping ones affairs within the Reform Jewish community if possible. Not surprisingly it only made a mild allowances for anyone who would want to visit a sick or elderly parent or relative.

“History has shown that a complete disengagement is the only way to start the process of changes necessary for ethical living,” Danziger said. The Chazon Ish showed that in making a new town of Bnei Brak and we're doing it again 50 years later.”

The steps made allowances for the elderly to stay in their homes, although it said that children wouldn't have to visit their parents since it would be a sin; said that visiting sick parents there should be left up to women and not men, but said a man could visit his parents if he stayed off the main streets. The ban of Monsey concluded with a promise of everlasting salvation to people who were able to leave such an environment and locate elsewhere.

“This is just like Chemielnicky and the Cossack uprisings in Bershad, well at least they didn't kills us this time,” Said Rabbi Yaakov Rotenberg, the Salka Roov of Monsey, through a translater. The translator clarified that although Rabbi Rotenberg speaks perfect English, he refused to to so for “a schmuttzy blog like that of Rabbi Somayach.”

Kolko reinstated for celebration of Simchas Bais HaToeva

2007-04-08T12:41:00.000-07:00

Kolko reinstated for celebration of Simchas Bais HaToeva at his old Yeshvia

Rabbi Yehudda Kolko is out of jail and rehired at Torah Temimah

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a move that shocked many today, Rabbi Lipa Margolies re-instated Rabbi Yehudda Kolko at the yeshiva where he is accused of molesting little boys and then created a new celebration of that fact. The new holiday is called Simchas Bais Hatoevah at Torah Temimah, and Kolko will be in charge of the celebrations.

The pending incarceration of the rabbi and a pending lawsuit were not a deterrent to Rabbi Margolies, who said that recent allegations of child molestation could not be substantiated by people who were minors at the time since women and children are not valid witnesses in a Jewish court.

“If you know the law, you can always find an exception,” He said.

In demonstration of his renewed trust in Kolko, he announced that the rabbis new job title will be supervisor of the boys bathhouse where he will be in charge of the new annual celebration called Simchas Bais HaToeva, in English, the celebration in the house of abomination.

The celebration promises to be totally unlike Simchas Bais HaShoevah which occurs after Sukkus, and is based on the prayer for rain that marks the start of the rain and growing season in Israel, where it doesn't rain at all in the summer. Usually the men have big celebrations with men dancing and singing and drinking and eating while the women sit in the balcony and watch on.

In the Abomination festival things will be different. Margolies said he is going to have Kolko “in the mikveh getting naked with the boys making sure nothing funny goes on with those little perverts,” Margolies said. “The only way to put a stop to the cycle of rumours, is putting him on the council supervising modesty for the yeshiva and have him in a room alone with the boys to make sure it is ok.”

Reactions ranged from shock to celebration. “This is just another in a long series of outrages, but it could be good for business” said Jeffrey Herman, an attorney who says poised to make millions of dollars from his multiple suits filed on behalf of former victims of Kolko, some cases going back decades.

But many others were not shocked and actually were happy with the decision. For example, Harav Naftali Halberstam released a statement that “the daas Torah of Rabbi Kolko cannot be challenged by the apikorsus of a few children since they are not even admissible as witnesses in a religious court and are not considered viable humans under Talmudic law.

The opinion of Rabbi Halberstam supporting the unquestioned innocence of Rabbi Kolko based solely on Talmudic circumlucation was co-signed by over 35 Roshei Yeshiva from around Brooklyn, Monsey, Monroe, Jersualem and B’nei B’rak.

Other people were merely against the introduction of a new rabbinically ordained holiday. “We haven't had a a rabinically created holiday since 560 CE, when the composition of Talmud was completed. What makes him think they can start now just because they want to legitimize a little monkey business?” said Amnon Pizza, whose kosher dairy shop on 13th Avenue sells, oddly enough, Pizza.

Shlomo Carlebach declared first person resuscitated, Chabad concedes

2007-03-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

Shlomo Carlebach declared first person resuscitated, Chabad concedes

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a turn of events that many call amazing, the Hassidic group, Chabad Lubovitch of Crown Heights has conceded to the members of the Carelbach Shul of Manhattan that it is possible that the first person brought back to life when the messiah comes will actually be Rabbi Schlomo Carlebach and not Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson of Crown Heights, Brooklyn, as they had previously claimed.

The unprecedented announcement came at the end of an all-night debate at the board meeting of the Motzes Gedolei Ha Torah, the ultra-orthodox organizing body founded by the Novominsker Rebbe in 1912. Originally it was supposed to be the quarterly board meeting but when a challenge came up, the answer came back from Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, the meeting chairman that the doors should be locked and nobody could leave until the question be settled for once and for all.

Even though the Lubovitchers are the single largest Hassidic group with more than a million members worldwide, the final decision came to a simple technicality on which neighborhood would be called “Ir Hacodesh,” or in English, the holy city, “which anyone could clearly see is Manhattan and not Brooklyn,” said Rabbi Moshe Sherer, president of the Agudath organization. Even more confusing was that Rabbi Sherer died on May 20 of 1998.
“We had to break out the Ouija Board to come to the final solution,” said Yaakov Perlow, current president. “It was tough getting everyones’ hands on the board amidst all the fighting but it happened.”
“This only proves that Shlomo Carlebach brough many people back to the Torah and his reward is to sing to all the Yidden as they roll in the ground back to Jerusalem,” said Rabbi Naftali Citron of the Carelbach Shul. “His style of prayer has become a worldwide standard and made it possible for many more to enjoy and participate.” This comment was thought to be in reference to the theory that all the dead people would roll from wherever they are to Jerusalem to be resuscitated.
In opposition the Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Kazen, founder of chabad.org said that “Carlebach was a nothing who died a pauper in comparision to the Lubavitcher Rebbe who sent schnorers all over the world who collected so much that the rebbe was worth more than $450 million when he died in 1993. Well, he didn't really die, he actually went into hiding.”
The decision is not considered a loss for lubavitch in anyway, according to a current lubavitcher leader,”Since the decision said very little about who gets to be the messiah once the two men are back. And we who live in Crown Heights have total faith that our founder, leader and lord will be our strength and leader in the next world,” said Chabad founder Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, as conjured by Rabbi Ariel Sokolovsky, founder of the RebbeGod blog. Rabbi Sokolovsky believes the Rebbe should be reffered to by the 26 letter name usually reserved for God himself.
“The debate of who would be the messiah has plagued the Jewish people for many many years. Every time something bad happens, everyone moans that this is the sign he is coming. I had a lot of pressure beind the scenes to bring some sort of conclusion to the war between these two most powerful and faithful groups. It doesn't really matter who if they could just stop scuffling,” Rabbi Perlow said.
After the decision was announced, there was some discussion of a nevua, or prophecy that said this might happen from one of the Lubavitcher followers.
“It was just like when the Alter Rebbe passed the mantel on to his son-in-law, there was a nevua then too, and everyone had to follow it,” Said Menachem Mendel Schneur Shem Tuv, a Chasiddic follower of the Rebbe.

Rabbi Abe Xylum, who has been around both groups for years said he was somewhat shocked that there would be a disagreement.

“Sure, the Lube jobs have brawls in their headquarters all the time. People watch it on their web cams. But Carlebach? That shuls most distinguishing characteristic is being the only weekday minyan that has every single adult male there saying kaddish. I wouldn't have think the stock brokers on the West Side would care that much. More power to them for the peaceful settlement,” he said.

The decision and peaceful conclusion has many ramifications besides just the cultural decision from the group. The Agudah is going to be administrating an educational trust to be paid for by the Stockbrokers from the Carlebach shul. The Carlebach Yartzheit Educational fund will be exclusively to pay for Chabad kids throughout the world.

Another point in the decision was that Carlebach was originally doing his kiruv work with Chabad and learned to do outreach from Rabbi Schneerson himself.

“This is also funny, since most Chabadniks take the success of Carlebach as an effront since he was originally working with the Lubavitcher Rabbi and not against him. I mean he was happy in Crown Heights until the Rebbe said he had to stop sleeping with all the young chicks throwing themselves at him. He was originally learning in Lakewood, but what has lakewood done, ever? It is the endless trap of the Torah student. They go in and never leave,” Rabbi Xylum said.

Monsey Rabbi starts organization for extramarital hookers

2007-03-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

Monsey Rabbi starts organization for extramarital hookers

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshivah Aishes Eish HaTorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a move to pull an outdated legalistic society into the modern age while, Rabbi Leible Tropper of Monsey, New York has started a new organization called Eternal Jewish Pelegish, aimed at encouraging more Jewish men to take on additional sex partners in addition to their wife.

“Everyone already knows this sort of thing is common, but we want tit in the context of a legal commitment. We also want to have a slice of the money by charging men for the legal accouterments of the hoes, things like handwritten contracts on fine lambskin parchment and mikveh visits,” Tropper declared at a fundraising dinner where he announced the plan. The dinner attracted over 170 rabbis of various denominations.

There may be a lambskin document, but this is not a place for a lambskin condom, Tropper said.

“We need a greater growth rate than a mere 12 children per family, and this will allow our breadwinners to have at least 24 children for each baal habas, think of the miser from all those followers, I am almost cumming in my bekisheh at the thought,” Tropper said.

The problem is that a conversion of a non-Jewish spouse can take ten years or more and some rabbis will never give a non-Jewish spouse a conversion. He then gave the Url of a web site, http://www.eternaljewishfamily.org as a place for further information.

According to the site, Tropper and his organization have established seven rabbinical courts across the nation catering to the frum-sex and frum-group-sex crowds., and they are in the process of establishing more.

By standardizing the pilegesh process, Eternal Jewish Family hopes to lure in mixed couples that vow to adhere to Orthodoxy said Rabbi Marvin Jacobs, conference and fundraising chair.

“We don't let any boys in the yeshiva date until we are convinced they can keep their stupid mouths shut, so that I know they won't tell anyone about having sex on the side when they are bored with their first baby popper, er wife. Just like my wife doesn't know about me and our cute Russian housekeeper,” Tropper said. “Oops,” he added.

Many graduates of his yeshiva know that the celibacy enforced on bachurim is well worth it and that the sex fest begins after sheva brachos ends.

“Didn't you ever wonder why women aren't allowed to talk in the mikveh? It is so they won't ask who all the strange visitors are that they don't recognize. We really run an orderly system in Monsey,” Tropper said.

Vaad of Flatbush places all BTs in Cherem

2007-03-15T20:51:00.000-07:00

Vaad of Flatbush places all BTs in Cherem

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach Meshumad Meshubach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah

Special to MeshumadMeshubach.Blogspot.com

The Vaad harabbonim of Flatbush has declared cherem on all Baal T’shuva Jews, in a move reminiscent of The Vilna Gaon’s declaration of excommunication on practicing Hassidus.
The ruling declares that anyone who can’t prove at least 15 years of continuous observance is now expelled from the Jewish community and cannot be called to the Toireh or to witness marriages or rabbinical courts. It does not differentiate between the alleged distinction of people born into the religion and those who became religious of their own decision as adults. Instead the focus is on weeding out anyone who isn't toting the rabbinical line of chumra.

“We have had enough of people going on and off the derech and bringing the shmutz of the outside world back into our synagogues. If you haven’t been with us continuously for the last fifteen years, we don’t want you anymore. If anyone is going to take gods name in vain, it is going to be me,” Said Rabbi Yosef Eisen, head of Kosher Supervision for the 5 towns of long Island.

Although widely proclaimed as just what the religion needs to pep things up a bit, others have been less enthusiastic, claiming the decision would make it the religion of old men with gray beards. Others claim that has already happened.

“Fifteen years ago most of my followers were celebrating Christmas and didn’t yet know they could give me money instead,” Said Rebbitzen Ester Jungereis, founder and principal beneficiary of Hineni Heritage Center on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. “With no followers, how I am supposed to pay the mortgage on a luxurious brownstone on the Upper West Side as well as my home in the Five Towns of Long Island?”

Sources confirm that financial modeling was not conducted prior to the gezera and that the impact on revenues could be much greater than originally projected. In a confidential confession, one accountant for a major organization declared “We had no idea how compromised the yechus of our followers was until we started looking objectively. We may have to let go of a few of our rabbis, even ones who have stayed on the derech. This is a major deal. It is almost as if no human could actually live up to even a small percentage of all chumras and halachas.”

Another organization said they were simply shifting their affiliation but continuing to work with the new untouchables of the Orthodox Jewish world.

“Newly Jewish people are our bread and butter. We could never let their revenue stream move elsewhere,” Said Rabbi Mark Wildes, founder of the Manhattan Jewish Experience. “Instead we are going to affiliate with the halachically responsible arm of the Jewish Theological Seminary. We already pretend to dress like conservative rabbis anyhow.”

Beit Din proceeding to Revoke Smicha on Aish Rabbi

2007-02-15T10:30:00.000-08:00

Beit Din proceeding to Revoke Smicha on Aish Rabbi
By Rabbi Lamech Somayach
Mashgiach Ruchini, Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a move that has shocked many in the frum and Baal T’shuva world, the Beit Din of the Motezes Gadolim Hador announced they are immediately starting legal proceedings to revoke the rabbinical ordination of Aish HaTorah Rabbi Kalman Packouz of North Miami Beach. The grounds for the revocation come from a d’var torah that Rabbi Packouz sent out in 2004 that contradicts the philosophical goals of Orthodox teachings and has resulted in the falling out of more than six wealthy donors from the Orthodox donors list world wide.

The announcement comes on the heels of a wave of reputation trashings across the world for rabbis who dare to make unpopular comments, often innocently enough at the time but in later light their comment is somehow found to be offensive or else there is a person who is angry and looking for a place to vent their rage.

“This loss of financial clout is unforgivable in how many rabbinical trips to vacation in Israel were lost because of people reading this essay, and that can never be forgiven” said Rabbi Nosson Wolpin, editor of the Jewish Observer, the mouthpiece of the organization. “What, should I start telling people my name is Nathanial now,” he added sarcastically.

The controversial essay was written By Rabbi Packouz on August 29, 2003, was a fairly common commentary that connected the weekly Torah Portion with contemporary events in an extemporaneous essay loaded with donation links and fundraising pleas.

The exact phrase was: “Our lesson? We must learn to be discerning. Even those things that appear to be harmless can be very dangerous. Similarly, there are many things that are detrimental to one's spiritual well-being that at first glance do not seem dangerous.”
This is clearly supposed to be a throw away cocktail party comment, Wolpin said. However, because of its ambiguity several wealthy people came to realize that their ethics had become suspect due to exposure to the Orthodox emphasis on fundraising at any cost. In addition the people realized their personal life was not significantly better after becoming frum than it was before.

“We realized we were so busy with an intellectually vacuous life that we had entirely abandoned the rigorous intellectualism that drew us in and replaced it with constantly running to minyan and watching out for chumras, and we owe this realization to Rabbi Packouz” the people said.

In order to prevent future scandals like this, the Motzes is contemplating implementing guidelines requiring central approval for all sermons before publication, but acknowledges that language can have multiple interpretations, Wolpin said.

Motzes Gedolei Hador come forth with new brocha for adultery

2007-02-12T09:22:00.000-08:00

Motzes Gedolei Hador come forth with new brocha for adultery
Say it is time for Orthodox to connect with modern times

By Rabbi Lamech Somayach
Mashgiach Ruchini Yeshiva Aishes Eish Hatorah
Special to MeshumadMeshubach.blogspot.com

In a move that shocked the audience at the last public meeting of the Board of Agudath Israel of America, Rabbi Nosson Scherman and Rabbi Joseph Elias announced the publication of a new brocha to be said before committing adultery and consensual intercourse between unmarried people.

The new blessing is supposed to bring a long standing tradition among Frum men back into the world of halacha by reminding both the men and women having sex outside of their spouse that Hashem is in charge of the world and that rabbinical supervision of panties and niddah is still required. It also brought a promise of rabbinical secrecy and confidentiality in the case of infidelity.

The blessing sounds like a very familiar blessing over apples and starts out just like every blessing, invoking the G-d who is the creator of the universe and commanded us with his commandments. However the ending is a surprising invocation of original sin and the tree of Knowledge. It is intended both for the pelegish and the man to recite before poking a hole in the sheet or unrolling the condom.

“The next printing of the Artscroll Siddur will contain the blessing Barouch atah adonay, elokanoo meilech ha-oilam asher kiddushanu b’mitsvosav u’vitsevanu l’ocheilas bo’ray pa’ri ha aitz ha daas,” Rabbi Scherman said. “In English that would read, “Blessed art thou, oh L-rd our G-d, creator of the universe who commanded us with his mitzvoth and commanded us concerning regarding eating of the fruit of knowledge.”

“This will bring the omnipresent knowledge of everything man does in the eyes of rabbonim to Jews attempting to stray everywhere. We estimate the increased guilt will increase tithings by 10 to 15 percent,” said Rabbi Elias. “Since donations in the shul have not kept up with the increase prices of real estate this is a vital part of continuted rabbinical hegemony.”

“After a few years of living this way our membership should be so screwed up they won’t even know if they are coming or going, much less what the leadership is or is not doing,” Elias added.

Pundits agree that the blessing should bring legitimacy to a widespread practice and thus would strengthen the state of orthodoxy even more than the innovation when Channukah was eleveated to the level of Christmas gift giving in America.

However more than one halachic scholar noted that the invention of the blessing was still too late for some people.

“This spells eventual forgiveness for Rabbi Kolko and all of Torah Temimah, but only after the NAMBLA people get through with it and that might be years, he could be dead by then,” Said Rabbi Moses Dovid Tendler of Yeshiva University.

Another scholar who refused to be named because of his own connections to allegations of marital infidelity in his own synagogue said that the main reason for the new blessing and related halachot was because some people who were unpopular have been ousted from their synagogue. For them it is too late, but others may still be saved, he said.

The Orthodox and Ultra Orthodox world have been shaken by several major scandals of sexual nature in recent years and the new blessing is hoped to be a way to stem the tide of sexual impropriety by bringing the issue back into the mainstream of discussion.

“We’ve already included excerpts from all the related Talmudic tractates and several commentaries by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, alav haShalom, into the Complete Artscroll Guide to Adultry,” Rabbi Scherman said.

Despite a single case of homosexual child molestation at one Brooklyn middle and high school, there was still no allowance for homosexuality in the brocha, which is strictly forbidden, Rabbi Scherman said. He declined to elaborate on the topic of the proper age of consent, noting solely that the Torah determines a woman is able to copulate once she has her first period, but only says males become a man at 13.

Scherman and several other rabbis went to great lengths to explain how the problem has gotten big enough to be recognized and contained and not just ignored. And failing this, they are already at work to included the blessings for Cherem and beheading as well as choking on molten lead.

New Blog

2007-02-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

I am creating this new blog for posting of my articles for your perusal. I hope you enjoy and can relate to the satires contained here. This is the first post but I am planning to put up more as time goes on. I have attended Ponovich, Mir, Bais Midrash Elyon, Shema Yisroel, Ohr Somayach, Aish HaTorah, Derech Chaim, Hadar HaTorah, Emunas Yisroel, Shomrei Emunah, Stalin, Carlin, Viznitz, Satmar, Bostoner, Toldos Avrahom Yitzchock, The Vaad Chafatzos Chulent B'America, Yeshiva Chipas Emes, Shomer Shabbos and many other institutes of higher Torah learning. I have lived in Boro Park, Flatbush, Midwood, Monsey, Lakewood, Long Beach, Five Towns, the Upper West Side, the Upper East Side, Jerusalem, Bnei Brak, Tel Aviv and many other Jewish places. You probably know me and have no idea who I am. I love Jasmine Tea.